OK mirth fans, empty your colostomy bags & fasten your seat belts, this ribbed tickler will have you in stitches.
I road-tested it on a willing 'human guinea pig' so to speak, at the memorabilia fair; he asked to remain nameless,
so let's just refer to him as Steve Russell.
When I told him this Comedy Classic, he was helpless with laughter, and as he wiped away tears of mirth,
he said "Steve son, you are a comedy genius" (with a build up like that, it'd better be good! - ed.), so here goes.
I went to a fancy dress party, as a screwdriver. I certainly turned plenty of heads!
No animals were harmed during the testing of this joke.
I went for an eye check yesterday, and guess who I bumped into?
Everybody!
Today is National Hug A Plumber Day!
It's also Wear a Football Shirt Day, the idea is you donate to a certain charity,
for wearing your team's shirt. I'm wearing my 'Royal Panda' shirt - however, I've forgotten which charity
is involved, so I won't be making a donation.
And a Top Tip:
It's the London Marathon on Sunday; kid people you've just run it, by staggering around
central London after the first runners have come in, wearing shorts & a vest with a large number on it,
and 6 foot of bacofoil draped over your shoulders!
On this special day, the 80th Anniversary of V-E Day, I can't help but remember my dear old granddad,
who was the first man off the landing crafts on D-Day.
Sadly, the MPs caught him, put him back on & made him go to Normandy.
Then, on the other side of the family, my uncle brought down 11 German fighters in the Battle of Britain!
The Luftwaffe said he was the worst mechanic they'd ever had.
Time for me once more to channel the spirit of that bloke out of That's Life
(whose name escapes me) & once more smooth the sleeve of my velvet smoking jacket,
look knowingly at the camera & simper, "I am indebted to Daniel Wells, aka dannyboyurs off the old offy MB,
for this ribbed tickler:
I've just been diagnosed with agorophobia - get in!!
Did anyone hear Tony Blackburn read out one of my ribbed ticklers on today's show??
If you missed it, you can hear it on the BBC i-player, if not here it is:
I went to see my GP because I was covered in spots.
He said I'm allergic to eating jelly, sponge & custard.......
but that diagnosis sounds a trifle rash.
I heard in the news that Billy Joel has had to cancel all shows, because he has water on the brain.
I know what would sort that out - a tap on the head.
And an Interesting Fact: (M'sieu, you are really spoiling us!)
Before he found fame with Kajagoogoo, singer Limahl was an extra in Adam & The Ants' video for Stand & Deliver.
Well I Never!
Nothing for me in the king's birthday honours list. Not even an OBE.
Would a knighthood be too much to ask??
Picture the scene - "For services to comedy, (tap tap) arise Sir Steve."
But I'm not bitter and here to prove it is the pick of today's Tony Blackburn Show:
As it's summer, I've started a magazine devoted to ice cream. I've just had my 1st scoop.
But the only thing I take seriously in newspapers these days, is fish & chips -
& I even take that with a pinch of salt.
It's my birthday today, it's also the birthday of a good friend, who's an opera singer.
But I don't know what to buy him - I mean, what can you get for a tenor these days??
Interesting Facts:
A friend sent me a card that had some amazing stats about the year I was born (1955, if you must ask)
In 1955, the average salary was £564 a year (YEAR!), the average house cost £1,937 & a Ford Anglia cost £511.
The world's population was just 2.75billion.
