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Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2022 2:37 pm
by steveqpr881
Plagiarism rears it's ugly head again.
Not once, but twice in a week.
Last week, Steve Wright nicked my "no-one to chauffeur it" joke;
now, Private Eye have used my "Olly Gark" pun. Latest issue, page 94.
I wouldn't mind, but do they ever pay me any royalties for using my material??
Do they heck as like - I don't even get a name-check. 
Anyway, on with today's ribbed tickler - let's see who steals this.
And I'll be honest, I stole it from Private Eye;fair exchange is no robbery.
Rod Stewart's been filling in potholes in the road near his home;
but he found that the first rut is the deepest.
And an Interesting Fact:
Snails can sleep for up to 3 years! (but ants never sleep)
Clint Hill - Buffalo Bill.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Mon Mar 21, 2022 11:49 am
by steveqpr881
My mate asked me if I liked my hi-vis jacket;
I said I wouldn't be seen without it. 
Mind you, it wouldn't be much use in a custard factory.
That reminds me of the time a man on crutches stole my camouflage jacket;
I said you cant run, but you can hide. 
Thought For The Day:
Will Egypt ever ask for The Pharaoh Islands back?? 
Nigel Spackman - Hugh Jackman.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2022 11:26 am
by steveqpr881
Hope this isn't too risque for some of you more sensitive souls......
I asked my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her key-ring - but she just fobbed me off 
A friend who works in an sofa making factory fell into the upholstering machine;
he's OK now, he's fully re-covered. 
Interesting Fact:
Chemically, the closest substance to human blood is.....sea water.
Luke Amos - Diana Ross
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2022 3:08 pm
by steveqpr881
More plagiarism - on Radio 2's Steve Wright show again;
today, he nicked my "photographic memory" joke.
I'm sure they're monitoring this thread & picking off the best jokes
Is this what I pay my license fee for??
Anyway, I've just a new job, collecting rubbish (like these jokes! - ed.)
(I shall ignore that)
There was no training, I just picked it up as I went along.
Sean Derry - Chuck Berry.
btw, 3,944 views - should go thru the 4k mark over the weekend
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2022 10:30 am
by steveqpr881
steveqpr881 wrote: ↑Fri Mar 25, 2022 3:08 pm
[color=#0000BF
btw, 3,944 views - should go thru the 4k mark over the weekend[/color]
Sure enough - 4,031!
And the cream of the crop from this morning's Tony Blackburn Show:
I accidentally handed my wife a tube of glue when she asked me to pass her
lipstick over. She's still not talking to me. 
I live in a village where everyone wears a jumper that's 2 sizes too small;
it's a very close-knit community.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2022 10:35 am
by steveqpr881
As you know, I get hundreds of emails every day from my legion of fans -
well, dozens. One or two. OK, none. But here's another email from Mrs. Smith,
she says, "Steve son, tell us one of your side-splitting ribbed ticklers, or my husband will
come over & give yo' ass a slap." Always happy to oblige, so here goes:
My grief councillor died recently;
luckily, he was so good at his job, I didn't give a monkey's.
Thought For The Day:
Is a row of Barbie dolls called a barbeque ?? 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2022 11:24 am
by steveqpr881
By the way - and I'm blowing my own trumpet here -
have a look at the latest issue of Private Eye;
they've printed my letter (page 23) & it's a real ribbed tickler.
Don't ask me what it says, go into WHSmith & have a look..... 
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2022 9:13 am
by steveqpr881
My dog usually comes in for a meal every day at 12;
but since the clocks went forward, he's an hour late.
Guess he's not a watch dog.....
And that reminds me of this comedy classic:
a man went to see his GP, he said,
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
The doc replied, "Do you want to lie on the couch?"
The man said, "No thanks, I'm not allowed."
That Val Doonican....the only man in showbiz who didn't want a personalised numberplate.
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2022 12:31 pm
by steveqpr881
Now you know me, I'm not one to boast......but yesterday, I had the heating on!
And that reminds me of a comedy classic;this joke won the Eurovision Joke Contest back in 1968:
Q: What did the gas meter say to the shilling?* (*- younger readers:I'm sure kerrins will be happy to explain what a shilling was )
A:Glad you dropped in!
It's the Grand National today, and here's Steve's Top Tip:
Put your money on Riderless Horse, it's first across the line every year.
Chris Day - Johnnie Ray
Re: Joke Thread 3.0
Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2022 12:28 pm
by steveqpr881
....nobody? Ok, never mind - back to the usual fare.
A friend came over yesterday & we played hide & seek.
It went on for hours, which just goes to show.....
a good friend is hard to find.
Interesting Fact: today's date is a palindrome - that is,for the less
intelligent of you, the numbers are the same backwards as well as forwards:
22/4/22 = 22/4/22 backwards. Well I never!