969 views - only 8 since yesterday, what's going on??
Anyway, some good news mirth fans; I overslept this morning & missed today's Tony Blackburn Show.
So here instead are some golden oldies, retrieved from the last Joke Fred, before the website crashed.
2 Yanks knocked on my door, with suits & crew cuts; they asked me if I ever ate brown bread;
they were Hovis Witnesses.
I took my goldfish to the vet, because I thought it had epilepsy;
the vet said, "Well, it looks OK to me."
I said, "Hang on - I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
R.I.P. Barry Cryer, one of the greats of British comedy over the last 50+ years.
Here is one of his best jokes.
A woman sees a parrot in a pet shop window, and goes in to ask how.
"£20," says the assistant. "That's cheap," she says-
to which the assistant says, "Yes, he used to work in a brothel."
So she buys the parrot & takes him home.
Once there, he has a look around & says,"What a lovely room."
Then the woman's daughter walks in & the parrot says, "What a lovely girl."
Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, "Hello, Keith."
A very Happy Birthday to that leg end of comedy, and this Fred's spiritual inspiration -
Tony Blackburn is a Poptastic 79 today!!
And here, to celebrate, is a sensational selection of the top gags from his Radio 2 show this morning.
I sent Tony a boomerang as a birthday present; I hope it'll give him many happy returns.
I asked him to play "Bus Stop," by The Hollies; it was a request bus stop.
I planted some spring bulbs recently, but they're not doing too well -
they haven't grown hyacinth last week.
Funniest thing I heard all weekend was BBC Radio Berkshire's commentary on the Real Hoops v Phony Hoops game.
The 3 commentators are all pro-Reading, 2 of them are ex-players.
Here's a selection of their finest.....
1st half: Pathetic - a shambles - I'm pulling me hair out - an absolute mess - it's just been awful, this 1st half - lack of heart, lack of belief
2nd half: Goodness gracious me, I think we've had enough - it could even be a lot worse than 4-nil - Reading are absolutely clueless - Its looking pretty gloomy for Reading - QPR are just sitting back now - the only positive thing is that it's only 4-nil - could've been 8 or 9 -
Reading's man of the match was their goalie.
Saving the best for last, after the match their manager said, "We played some good football in between the goals."
A man knocked on my door, he said "Help us out, guv, I haven't eaten in 3 days."
I said to him, "Could you manage a cold rice pudding?" He said he could.
So I said, "Well come back tomorrow, it's still warm."
JOHN22 rang me last night, I said hello John, where you been?
He said "I've just come out of the Henry Ford Clinic, Steve."
I said, "Henry Ford? Don't you mean Betty Ford??"
He said "No, it's similar, but they don't let you out until you've built a car."
Thought For The Day:
To the man who invented the zero - thanks for nothing.
Stop me if you've heard this before (we've heard 'em all, Steve - ed.)
it sounds a bit familiar, don't know if I've already posted it -
it's deja vu all over again. Anyway, I told my GP I felt like a pack of cards;
he said, "Shuffle over there, I'll deal with you later."
I went to the Millwall game the other week, I told one of their fans he's not a real Cockney;
he said he was, and threatened to kick me down the apples & oranges.
Message for Dubliner: there's a message for you, on The Boot Room.
I just had a sneaky peek, and it's a Top Tip from Steve Russell: make your waterbed bouncier, fill it with spring water.
Just walked past a charity bloke collecting money for Parkinson's; he was shaking his tin, which I thought was a bit insensitive.
re. that ladder book.....I rang the author, but the phone just rung & rung
A guy at work said the photocopier had run out of ink;
I don't like to be spoken to in that toner voice....
Thought For The Day:
Why is it, whenever Star Trek "boldly goes where no-one's gone before"
that there's always somebody already there?? Highly illogical, captain.
Through the 3,000 barrier, I see!
And today's ribbed tickler:
The head of the local dyslexia group was told he was getting an OBE;
he said, "What's the point - I can't play it."
I went to see the doc, asked him how I could lose weight.
He said, "Dont eat anything fatty."
I said, "What - like pies, biscuits,cakes?"
He said, "No, I meant dont eat anything - fatty."
Brace yourselves mirth fans, here comes an absolute cracker.
I road-tested this on a willing participant - a human guinea pig if you will -
in S.A. Road before the Cardiff game; now, he's asked to stay anonymous,
so of course I respect that totally, I'll only refer to him as St*eve R*ussell
but after I'd told him this ribbed tickler, he said, "Steve son, you absolutely must post that."
So here goes........Just found out I failed my abseiling exam - I let myself down badly.
