Independent Rs Messageboard

[steveqpr881]

Q: If I had 12 oranges in one hand, and 10 apples in the other, what would I have?
A: Big hands.

Interesting Fact: Donald Duck is 88 today!
He first appeared in a cartoon that was released on this day in 1934.

[steveqpr881]

My wife's a bit of a magician & she's been teaching our dog magic tricks;
he's an Abracadabralabrador.
She's pretty good at magic herself; only yesterday, she turned her car into a tree.

Interesting Fact: Lego is Latin for "I put together."

[steveqpr881]

My friend Pete's a plumber.
He's just split up with his girlfriend Florence.
But he reckons he's over Flo......

Today is the start of National Diarrhoea Week - runs until Sunday.

[steveqpr881]

2 cows in a field.
One says, "Are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says, "No, it don't affect me, I'm a giraffe."

[steveqpr881]

Normal service has been resumed!!
Well, I say normal......couldn't post at all yesterday,must've been those pesky bots again.
Anyway, I have a backlog of ribbed ticklers for your edification, so here goes....
It's the qualifying round of Surgeon of the Year; I wonder who'll make the final cut?
A friend of mine's a getaway driver; he uses a different car for each job.
He's just been hired for a bank raid in Slough, he's taking the A4.
If we all had Top-Gun style code names, what would we be called?
I reckon Steve Russell would be Badgeman

[steveqpr881]

Some bad news for you, mirth fans.
I overslept this morning, and missed the jokes on the Tony Blackburn Show.
So here is a golden oldie I nicked from a "Dad Jokes" page.....
I was singing in the shower this morning & it was ok, until I got shampoo in my mouth-
then it became a soap opera.
{The Management apologises for the poor quality of that joke}

Top Gun code names: Colin Woodley...….. Death Star.

[steveqpr881]

Saturday was the anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo.
As immortalised in song by ABBA, of course.
Which made think what a genius the Duke of Wellington was:
how he found time to write all those songs, take his Big Band on the road
and win the battle of Trafalgar is a mystery to me.

I can remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject;
now, whenever Botox is mentioned, nobody raises an eyebrow.

Interesting Fact: Snails only ever mate once in their lives;
however, the act can last up to 12 hours!

[steveqpr881]

I've had numerous emails - well OK, just the one - in fact, none
pointing out that Duke Ellington didn't win the Battle of Trafalgar, that was Lord Nelson Riddle.
Happy to put the record straight.
Any road up, on to today's ribbed tickler:
I sellotaped a ouija board to a boomerang & thought - that'll come back to haunt me!

Interesting Fact: Hitchcock's "Psycho" was the first film to show a toilet flushing.

Top Gun code names: Bernard Lambert - Columbo.

[steveqpr881]

I bought a new puppy, but I didn't know what breed he was;
then he got a sore throat, so I took him to the Vet, & he told me.....
he was a little husky.

Top Tip: Sprinkle whisky on your lawn,that way the grass comes up half cut.

Interesting Fact: Butterflies taste with their feet.

[steveqpr881]

I went to buy a knitted hat, but when I tried one on, it was too small.
The assistant said it looked fine, but I didn't let him pull the wool over my eyes.

I'm sure of one thing; nothing in life is certain.