For all QPR and Non QPR threads that don't fit in the other areas.
steveqpr881
Posts: 1633
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

198 views - we've finally overtaken the Birfdays Fred (195).
You know, they say a dog is for life, not just for Christmas.
And that reminds me, last year I got a dog from a blacksmith;
I'd only had him an hour, when he made a bolt for the door. :)
So I got a puppy,but he had a constant sore throat; I took him to the vet,
I said "What's wrong with him, and btw what breed is he?"
The vet said, "He's a little husky." :D
Anyway, time once more to open a door on......THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.
My kids keep laughing at my poor memory....
well they won't be laughing on Xmas Day, when there's no eggs under the bonfire. :shock:

And some QPR rhyming slang:
Steve Zico - Marx, Chico
JOHN22 - Danny La rue.
Last edited by steveqpr881 on Wed Dec 22, 2021 12:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
steveqpr881
Posts: 1633
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

Time yet again (don't worry, it'll soon be over :) ) to open today's door on
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOOOOM.
I saw a book on DIY surgery - thought, that'll make a nice present.
When I got it home, the appendix had been taken out. :o

Interesting Fact: Jellyfish only died if killed by an external cause;
they are essentially immortal. :shock:

Question: When will all the rhetorical questions end??

Steve Burke - Pauline Quirk.
steveqpr881
Posts: 1633
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

"late 50s" was the reason, Bernard - some of us don't go quite that far back. :P
Anyway, here's a bonus joke:
Dubliner bought his wife a DIY mime kit last Xmas - she was literally speechless.
:lol:
steveqpr881
Posts: 1633
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

Welcome back, Dubliner - and with some cutting edge ribbed ticklers. :D
You know, as a comic, Dubliner is often compared to Tommy Cooper;
people are always saying, "He's nowhere as funny as Tommy Cooper." :oops:
Dubliner decided to buy his good lady wife a food processor, but he had trouble deciding which one to buy;
he spent ages doing the whisk assessment.

Good news - I managed to get a crate of beers for a penny under 20 quid;
this Xmas, I'm gonna party like it's £19.99!

btw, I've been ripped off - yet again; heard my "tinsellitus" joke on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show today.
Didn't get a word of credit, but they obviously read this fred. :evil:

Anyway, for almost the last time this year we once more open......
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.
I opened a Christmas card, and a load of rice fell out.....
it was from Uncle Ben.
Dubliner
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2021 10:02 am

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by Dubliner »

… and some more from the Crackers:

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?
He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

My wife said people say I'm intimidating.
I said "that's not true!" Then I just stared at  her until she apologised.

How do you start a flea circus?
From scratch.

What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light Blue.

….. enough already?
steveqpr881
Posts: 1633
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

I was tucking into one of Mr. Kipling's deep filled mince pies yesterday, and it made me realise what a multi-talented genius he is.
How he finds the time to bake his exceedingly good cakes and write all those poems & books is beyond me.
For instance, he wrote "If" - which Telly Savalas took to the top of the charts in the 70s;
plus he wrote the screenplay for Disney's The Jungle Book - he deserved an Oscar for that, shurely??
Oh, I'm the king of the swingers.....but enough about my personal life, time once more to open the door on
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOOOOM.
And it's a Christmas Classic:
It's Christmas Eve on the Death Star, and Darth Vader says to the evil emperor (aka ESSEX),
(sound effect - heavy breathing) "I know what you've got for Xmas, my emperor, I felt your presents."
steveqpr881
Posts: 1633
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

449 views - will we crack the 500 barrier before Christmas??
Anyway, for the very last time this year,(you'll be relieved to hear),
it's once more time to open the door on........THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.
Here's one I heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show this morning; they ripped off my tinsellitus joke,
it's only fair that I return the favour: Who delivers presents to all the little baby sharks? Santa Jaws! :roll:
A friend of mine has just retired from his job making Xmas decorations;
he had a glittering career. :)
And finally, Ronnie: I'll be spending Xmas Day as I always do;
first I'll prune the hedge, then I'll have lunch with all the trimmings. :D

QPR rhyming slang: Frank Sibley - Vicar of Dibley.
Thought For The Day: I see why icy is so easy to spell.

A very Merry Xmas one & all, see you again after Christmas.
steveqpr881
Posts: 1633
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

steveqpr881 wrote: Thu Dec 23, 2021 10:42 am 449 views - will we crack the 500 barrier before Christmas??.
Yes - 844 views!!
Anyway, you'll be relieved to hear that we've opened all the doors on the advent calendar of doom,
so now it's time to bring you a selection fo gags from the best Xmas present I got this year-
The Tony Blackburn Joke Book! :o
Q: How do you stop your mouth from freezing, in this cold weather?
A: Grit your teeth.
My local corner shop has been broken into, and 20 cases of Red Bull were stolen;
how do these people sleep at night??

Interesting Fact: England's first turkey was eaten by King Henry V111, in 1523.

QPR rhyming slang: Lilly Allen - Kevin Gallen.

steveqpr881
Posts: 1633
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

I'm back - after a dose of COVID!!!! :o
I'm OK Now, my 7 days self-isolation are up.
Have to say, it was nothing; the day before I tested Pos I had a slight cold,
which may have been Covid; but even if it was, no big deal.
So the joke-fest resumes, and I've got a bit of a backlog to clear,
so empty your colostomy bags people.......

Q:How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Banana. :roll:

I'm dating identical twins at the moment, but it's easy to tell them apart;
Debbie has blonde hair, Sam's got a beard. :o

I just opened my 2022 calendar, but the 5th month is missing;
I'm dis-Mayed.....

Thought For The Day:
If I could only watch 1 film again ever, it'd be Groundhog Day.
And some QPR Rhyming Slang:
Trevor Sinclair - (Sir) Tony Blair.
steveqpr881
Posts: 1633
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:58 am
Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road

Re: Joke Thread 3.0

Post by steveqpr881 »

I was caught peeing in the swimming pool;
when the lifeguard blew his whistle, I was so surprised, I almost fell in. :oops:

I went to a meeting of The Sceptics Society;
a bloke said, "I don't believe we've met."
I said, "I don't believe you don't believe....." 8-)

Just come back from a friend's funeral. He died from drinking a bottle of varnish.
Nasty way to go, but at least he had a nice finish. :D

Thought For The Day: Imagine The Titanic with a lisp; it's unthinkable.
And more QPR rhyming slang: Tony Currie - Bill Murray.

Anyone....feel free to have a go.....anyone??
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