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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 10, 2019 11:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I've heard nothing since.

To the Person who stole my glasses.
I will find you. I have contacts...



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PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2019 2:04 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Paddy says to Taffy "How did the faith healing event go last night?"
"Terrible" he said "Even a fella in a wheelchair walked out!"


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 17, 2019 10:12 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I am fortunate. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 17, 2019 11:25 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea



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PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 12:23 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
As Farmer Brown approached his neighbour’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown shouted.
Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”

.......................................................................................................................


A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 12:56 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
Dubliner’s wife noticed him standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2019 1:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Christmas is a-coming, so it's time once more to open.......
(ominous music)
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.

This is fresh off of this morning's Tony Blackburn show -
jokes don't come more up to date than that.

I just bought a new Motown wardrobe.
It's not very big...just enough room for Four Tops.
And the follow-up:
I've got a Motown fridge.
It's full of Temptations.



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PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2019 7:15 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Couple of days' worth of doors to open......
stand by for a festival of fun.........

Boeing have announced they plan to introduce an invisible airliner.
I can't see it taking off.

My granddad always used to say - one door opens, and another door closes.
Nice guy, terrible cabinet maker.

The wife's complained about all the CCTV cameras I've installed in the house
I can see where she's coming from.


And the posh bird from the Ferrerro Rocher ad says-
"M'sieu, wiz all zese top jokes, you are really spoiling us."



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PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:09 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Just opened up a Christmas card delivered today and some rice fell out. i think it was from Uncle Ben.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 14, 2019 1:47 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Time once more to open the daily door on.........
The Advent Calendar of Doom (cue creaky door opening)

I told a sexist joke on Facebook, and now the radical feminists know where I live......luckily, none of them can read a map.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 1:46 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Feck me, time to brush the cobwebs off this thread!

These Australian bush fires remind me of the time I was in Sydney, and there was a native Australian playing 'Dancing Queen' on a didgeridoo.
I thought - "He's Abbariginal."

My grief counsellor died recently......luckily, he was so good at his job I didn't give a monkey's.

Up for another? Or would that be a mirth overload??
Oh go on then......
I said to JOHN22, "Why do you call Dubliner 'Mother Theresa' - is it because he helps the poor? He replied, "No Steve; it's because he's old and wears blue & white."

And the posh bird in the Fererro Rocher ad said-
M'sieu, wiz all zese top jokes, you are really spoiling us.



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PostPosted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 9:14 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
Dubliner stepped out of the shower, He heard someone in the kitchen downstairs. He was sure his wife was out, so he grabbed his 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that he was in his birthday suit.
He came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find his wife loading the dishwasher.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”
Scanning the contours of Dubliners doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 9:41 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
Flavio saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."

With that Flavio dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen" said Flavio.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 9:44 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
So the wife said to me : 'Can my mother come down for Easter ?'

I said: 'Why?'

And she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof for two weeks now!!


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 3:47 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Little boy comes home from school, all excited & tells his Dad, "I've just been picked for a part in the school play. I'm gonna be a man who's been married for 25 years."
Dad says, "Well done, son - maybe next time you'll get a speaking role."



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