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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 9:35 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I said to my mate "I'm thinking about getting a divorce because my wife has not spoken to me for over 2 months."

He said "Don't be too hasty because women like that are hard to find"


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 10, 2019 1:51 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
I have a trampoline phobia...
I can't help it, they just always make me jumpy!

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.



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PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2019 12:07 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 13, 2019 4:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon.

I suppose that’s what happens when you cut corners.



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2019 3:39 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My son told me he did not understand cloning.

I said "That makes two of us"


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 04, 2019 1:35 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 316
I met a mate who informed me he`s had the Shits for the last 6 weeks :shock: ....."but not to worry" he said they go back to school this week :wink:


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 06, 2019 12:46 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
Hypochondriacs anonymous
Step#1 admitting you don't have a problem



I actually forgot to go to my Hypochondriacs Anonymous meeting today

I bet it's early on-set Alzheimers



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 06, 2019 4:50 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Australian poetry competition.

The 2 finalists needed a tie breaker to decide the winner. They had 20 seconds to write a poem including the name of a town in the Sahara desert known as Timbuktu. One finalist was from Sydney university and the other from the outback.

The university graduate had first go.

Travelling across the desert sand
was a slowly moving caravan
Made up of camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

Much clapping and cheering from the audience

The guy from the outback's turn

Tim and I, on holiday went.
Found three Sheilas in a pop up tent
They were 3 and we were 2
so I bucked one and Tim bucked two.

This brought the house down!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 11, 2019 2:54 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 316
A sex therapist told me that the most erotic thing a girl can do to a man to get him going is to kiss his ears ,I said I think you`ll find thats Boll*cks Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_02


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 1:54 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
A guy gets lost flying a hot air baloon. He sees a farmer working in a field. He shouts down

"Do you know where I am?".

The farmer shouts back. "You can't fool me. You're in the basket!"


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2019 10:19 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
A few years ago, my wife gave me an ultimatum that if she saw me drink another pint of beer, our marriage would be over.

It's fair to say that since then, it's been a tale of two halves.



...and to the person who stole my antidepressants I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2019 7:39 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
When I was over for the match this weekend, I decided to get my fortune told.
So I went to see Esmeralda, the local palm reader, in Shepherds Bush Market.
She grabbed my hand and said, "Your future looks very, very black."

I said, "Hold on a minute love, I haven't taken my gloves off yet."


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2019 8:02 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know That *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm Finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The fecking funeral director," said his wife.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2019 2:01 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
..... Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is very disappointing.....



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PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2019 8:21 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else.One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:Always keep your condoms in the car!


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