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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:23 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
What’s your name?" asked the policeman when he stopped John22.

"John” he said.

"And your last name?" The Policeman asked.

"It's always been John......."



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:25 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
What do you call an Italian beggar?

Giovanni Change.



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 10, 2019 1:51 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
I have a trampoline phobia...
I can't help it, they just always make me jumpy!

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.



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PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2019 12:07 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2019 11:25 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
I hear Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East.

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 13, 2019 4:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon.

I suppose that’s what happens when you cut corners.



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2019 3:39 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My son told me he did not understand cloning.

I said "That makes two of us"


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 25, 2019 5:51 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My grandad once told me "When one door closes another one opens". Lovely man but a terrible cabinet maker!


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2019 8:55 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
I couldn't figure out why the ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



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PostPosted: Wed Sep 04, 2019 1:35 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 322
I met a mate who informed me he`s had the Shits for the last 6 weeks :shock: ....."but not to worry" he said they go back to school this week :wink:


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 06, 2019 12:46 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
Hypochondriacs anonymous
Step#1 admitting you don't have a problem



I actually forgot to go to my Hypochondriacs Anonymous meeting today

I bet it's early on-set Alzheimers



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 06, 2019 4:50 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Australian poetry competition.

The 2 finalists needed a tie breaker to decide the winner. They had 20 seconds to write a poem including the name of a town in the Sahara desert known as Timbuktu. One finalist was from Sydney university and the other from the outback.

The university graduate had first go.

Travelling across the desert sand
was a slowly moving caravan
Made up of camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

Much clapping and cheering from the audience

The guy from the outback's turn

Tim and I, on holiday went.
Found three Sheilas in a pop up tent
They were 3 and we were 2
so I bucked one and Tim bucked two.

This brought the house down!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 11, 2019 2:54 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 322
A sex therapist told me that the most erotic thing a girl can do to a man to get him going is to kiss his ears ,I said I think you`ll find thats Boll*cks Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_02


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 1:54 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
A guy gets lost flying a hot air baloon. He sees a farmer working in a field. He shouts down

"Do you know where I am?".

The farmer shouts back. "You can't fool me. You're in the basket!"


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2019 10:19 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
A few years ago, my wife gave me an ultimatum that if she saw me drink another pint of beer, our marriage would be over.

It's fair to say that since then, it's been a tale of two halves.



...and to the person who stole my antidepressants I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!



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