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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 09, 2019 7:33 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I'm told that "SHAG" is not a rude word because it has many meanings:-

To an American - it's a dance
To a carpet maker - it's long pile rug
To a smoker - it's a type of tobacco
To an ornithologist - it's a bird
To Steve - it's a remote possibility.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2019 10:47 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Mick and Paddy reading headstones in a Graveyard.

Mick says to Paddy " There's a fella here who lived until 152!"

Paddy said " Amazing - what was his name?"

Mick says * Miles, from London"


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2019 11:20 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing.

When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old.
In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch."
*WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out.

The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?"

"Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fucking Coco Pops."


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2019 11:27 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 19, 2019 2:37 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My mate said to his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She said she "would take half and leave" him.

"Great" he said. " I have just won £10. Here's a fiver ....... stay in touch"


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 6:31 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
Steppenwolf was an assumed name.
He was born Toby Wild.

Walking my dog today and we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog.
I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.



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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 6:59 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I have just landed a job at an auctioneers. They said I had a lot to offer!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:01 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I have just inherited a dairy farm. I am going to milk it for all its worth!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:07 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My friend said "What rhymes with orange?" I said no it dosen't.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:10 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I got a surprise whem my wife opened the car door for me today. I would have preferred it if we were not travelling at 70 mph at the time!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:15 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I have had amnesia for as long as I can remember.


I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day. He was wearing a cat flap.

A man walks in to a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He said to the barman " Pint please and one for the road!"


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 2:13 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
I went to A & E yesterday and said to the nurse "I've been stung by a wasp. Have you got anything for it?"

She said "whereabouts is it?"

I said "I don't know. It'll be miles away by now"



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 2:14 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
As the medic administered the anti-venom, she asked me, "Can you describe the snake that bit you ?"

"Yes, it was like an angry rope."



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 9:32 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I am no pancake expert but I know a tosser when I see one!


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 9:35 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I said to my mate "I'm thinking about getting a divorce because my wife has not spoken to me for over 2 months."

He said "Don't be too hasty because women like that are hard to find"


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