I went to A & E yesterday and said to the nurse "I've been stung by a wasp. Have you got anything for it?"

She said "whereabouts is it?"

I said "I don't know. It'll be miles away by now"

As the medic administered the anti-venom, she asked me, "Can you describe the snake that bit you ?"

"Yes, it was like an angry rope."

I am no pancake expert but I know a tosser when I see one!

I said to my mate "I'm thinking about getting a divorce because my wife has not spoken to me for over 2 months."

He said "Don't be too hasty because women like that are hard to find"

What’s your name?" asked the policeman when he stopped John22.

"John” he said.

"And your last name?" The Policeman asked.

"It's always been John......."

What do you call an Italian beggar?

Giovanni Change.

I have a trampoline phobia...
I can't help it, they just always make me jumpy!

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

I hear Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East.

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds

I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon.

I suppose that’s what happens when you cut corners.

My son told me he did not understand cloning.

I said "That makes two of us"

My grandad once told me "When one door closes another one opens". Lovely man but a terrible cabinet maker!

I couldn't figure out why the ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I met a mate who informed me he`s had the Shits for the last 6 weeks ....."but not to worry" he said they go back to school this week

Hypochondriacs anonymous
Step#1 admitting you don't have a problem



I actually forgot to go to my Hypochondriacs Anonymous meeting today

I bet it's early on-set Alzheimers