I have just landed a job at an auctioneers. They said I had a lot to offer!

I have just inherited a dairy farm. I am going to milk it for all its worth!

I got a surprise whem my wife opened the car door for me today. I would have preferred it if we were not travelling at 70 mph at the time!

I have had amnesia for as long as I can remember.


I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day. He was wearing a cat flap.

A man walks in to a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He said to the barman " Pint please and one for the road!"

I went to A & E yesterday and said to the nurse "I've been stung by a wasp. Have you got anything for it?"

She said "whereabouts is it?"

I said "I don't know. It'll be miles away by now"

As the medic administered the anti-venom, she asked me, "Can you describe the snake that bit you ?"

"Yes, it was like an angry rope."

I am no pancake expert but I know a tosser when I see one!

I said to my mate "I'm thinking about getting a divorce because my wife has not spoken to me for over 2 months."

He said "Don't be too hasty because women like that are hard to find"

I have a trampoline phobia...
I can't help it, they just always make me jumpy!

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon.

I suppose that’s what happens when you cut corners.

My son told me he did not understand cloning.

I said "That makes two of us"

I met a mate who informed me he`s had the Shits for the last 6 weeks ....."but not to worry" he said they go back to school this week

Hypochondriacs anonymous
Step#1 admitting you don't have a problem



I actually forgot to go to my Hypochondriacs Anonymous meeting today

I bet it's early on-set Alzheimers

Australian poetry competition.

The 2 finalists needed a tie breaker to decide the winner. They had 20 seconds to write a poem including the name of a town in the Sahara desert known as Timbuktu. One finalist was from Sydney university and the other from the outback.

The university graduate had first go.

Travelling across the desert sand
was a slowly moving caravan
Made up of camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

Much clapping and cheering from the audience

The guy from the outback's turn

Tim and I, on holiday went.
Found three Sheilas in a pop up tent
They were 3 and we were 2
so I bucked one and Tim bucked two.

This brought the house down!