I always wanted to be a procrastinator but I never got around to it.


Just had two Police Officers at my door!
They said; “Are you familiar with the letters HB?”
I replied, “No, I’m not.”
“How about LS?”
“No.”
“What about JD?”
I asked, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?”
The police officers said, “No, these are just initial enquiries.”

Doctor: "There was an explosion at the factory, and your husband is in wards 2, 3 and 4.

Wife: "I just want to talk to him!"

Doctor: "Well that's just it, he's deaf as well!"

My cross eyed wife and I have just got a divorce. We never saw eye to eye and then I realised she was seeing someone on the side!

My mate said he didn't understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us...


... and a bonus to mark my resurfacing after retirement (at last!!)

The Chip shop I go to still wraps-up meals in newspaper.
Yesterday i got a Plaice in The Sun.

I just got the news, Dubliner was on the beach in Dollymount Strand yesterday and found a magic lamp.

He rubbed it and asked the genie to make him supremely and irresistibility attractive to all women!

The genie turned him into a credit card!!

I'm told that "SHAG" is not a rude word because it has many meanings:-

To an American - it's a dance
To a carpet maker - it's long pile rug
To a smoker - it's a type of tobacco
To an ornithologist - it's a bird
To Steve - it's a remote possibility.

A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing.

When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old.
In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch."
*WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out.

The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?"

"Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.

My mate said to his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She said she "would take half and leave" him.

"Great" he said. " I have just won £10. Here's a fiver ....... stay in touch"

I have just landed a job at an auctioneers. They said I had a lot to offer!

I have just inherited a dairy farm. I am going to milk it for all its worth!

I got a surprise whem my wife opened the car door for me today. I would have preferred it if we were not travelling at 70 mph at the time!

I have had amnesia for as long as I can remember.


I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day. He was wearing a cat flap.

A man walks in to a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He said to the barman " Pint please and one for the road!"

I went to A & E yesterday and said to the nurse "I've been stung by a wasp. Have you got anything for it?"

She said "whereabouts is it?"

I said "I don't know. It'll be miles away by now"

I said to my mate "I'm thinking about getting a divorce because my wife has not spoken to me for over 2 months."

He said "Don't be too hasty because women like that are hard to find"