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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 1:59 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3353Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
My friend Sid had his id stolen.
Now, he's just called S. :roll:

Anybody want to hear any bum jokes? I've got piles. :oops:

And finally, Ronnie; spare a thought for poor Thomas Edison.
He invented the gramophone in 1877, but died in 1932 without ever having a hit record.



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 3:04 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I always wanted to be a procrastinator but I never got around to it.


Just had two Police Officers at my door!
They said; “Are you familiar with the letters HB?”
I replied, “No, I’m not.”
“How about LS?”
“No.”
“What about JD?”
I asked, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?”
The police officers said, “No, these are just initial enquiries.”


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:23 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 512
Doctor: "There was an explosion at the factory, and your husband is in wards 2, 3 and 4.

Wife: "I just want to talk to him!"

Doctor: "Well that's just it, he's deaf as well!"


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2019 9:49 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My cross eyed wife and I have just got a divorce. We never saw eye to eye and then I realised she was seeing someone on the side!


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2019 11:22 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
My mate said he didn't understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us...


... and a bonus to mark my resurfacing after retirement (at last!!)

The Chip shop I go to still wraps-up meals in newspaper.
Yesterday i got a Plaice in The Sun.



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2019 12:57 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 512
I just got the news, Dubliner was on the beach in Dollymount Strand yesterday and found a magic lamp.

He rubbed it and asked the genie to make him supremely and irresistibility attractive to all women!

The genie turned him into a credit card!!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 09, 2019 7:33 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I'm told that "SHAG" is not a rude word because it has many meanings:-

To an American - it's a dance
To a carpet maker - it's long pile rug
To a smoker - it's a type of tobacco
To an ornithologist - it's a bird
To Steve - it's a remote possibility.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2019 11:20 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 512
A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing.

When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old.
In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch."
*WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out.

The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?"

"Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fucking Coco Pops."


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2019 11:27 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 512
If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 19, 2019 2:37 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My mate said to his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She said she "would take half and leave" him.

"Great" he said. " I have just won £10. Here's a fiver ....... stay in touch"


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 6:59 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I have just landed a job at an auctioneers. They said I had a lot to offer!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:01 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I have just inherited a dairy farm. I am going to milk it for all its worth!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:10 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I got a surprise whem my wife opened the car door for me today. I would have preferred it if we were not travelling at 70 mph at the time!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:15 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I have had amnesia for as long as I can remember.


I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day. He was wearing a cat flap.

A man walks in to a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He said to the barman " Pint please and one for the road!"


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 2:13 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
I went to A & E yesterday and said to the nurse "I've been stung by a wasp. Have you got anything for it?"

She said "whereabouts is it?"

I said "I don't know. It'll be miles away by now"



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