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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 10:52 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Doctor: Your test results are back. You are very healthy for a 65 year old.
Patient: Very pleased with that. What are the chances of me reaching 80?
Doctor: Do you drink or smoke?
Patient: No - and I don't take drugs either.
Doctor: Do you eat steaks or spare ribs?
Patient: No. I think red meat is bad for you.
Doctor: Do you spend time exposed to the sun like playing golf, hiking, sailing or biking etc?
Patient: No I don't
Doctor: Do you gamble, drive fast cars and have lots of sex?
Patient: No, I do none of those things.
Doctor: Why on earth do you want to live till 80???


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 11:53 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I bought a book, "The History of Electricity," by Voltaire.
Had it for a day, then thought I'd been over-charged, so I took it back.
But I was told that was the current price - which was a shock.
The shop said they have their overheads.
I put a negative review on their website, but just got a battery of abuse.
Still, I'm trying to stay positive.



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PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2019 12:58 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Went to an auction yesterday.
I was very drunk.
Don't remember a lot.


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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 1:18 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
You're now the proud owner of a Picasso.
That'll be £25,000,000.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_03



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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 2:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Just heard, my grief councillor's died.
Luckily, he was great at his job, so I don't give a shit.

I've just got back from a barging holiday.
I haven't got a boat, I just bumped into people.

I'm into baking. This morning, I made a Belgian waffle.
Now, I'm going to make a Frenchman talk bollocks.

I accidentally kicked my dog, and he bit me.
My mate said, "It's karma."
"No," I said - "If anything, it's even angrier."



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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 4:18 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
At the hardware shop I asked "Is this fly spray good for wasps"?
He said "no it kills them".


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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2019 2:44 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm selling my boomerang on Gumtree.
Yet again - can't get rid of it.

Reminds me of the time I sold my homing pigeon.
Twenty times.



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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 3:38 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
With Mark Warburton today's favourite to be our next manager (my 'sauce' is hot, as QBlockPete used to say), and Warburton's being a well-known brand of bread, I thought we should work through all the puns now - just in case he doesn't get the job. So here we go......
He's the best thing since sliced bread.
Liam........



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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2019 1:25 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A man decides to get a pet, so he goes to a pet shop.
He tells the manager, "I want something special - not your boring pets, like a cat or a dog."
So the manager says, "Well how about this centipede then? Not your run of the mill pet, and he talks - a snip at £200."
The bloke says, "Well that's a bit steep....I warn you, if he doesn't talk, I'll want me money back."
So anyway, he buys the centipede & takes him home. That evening, he fancies a drink so he says, "Fancy going down the pub, Mr. Centipede?"
No reply; well the bloke thinks he must be tired after that trip from the pet shop. Ten minutes later he asks again - "Fancy going down the pub, Mr. Centipede?" Again, no reply.
Another ten minutes later, he's fed up. He says, "Last time of asking - do you fancy coming down the pub or not??"
And the centipede says, "Alright pal, I heard you the first time - I'm just putting my shoes on."



And I'll tell you something else: if Warburton doesn't get results, he'll be toast.



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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2019 9:53 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Great managers are not born - they are bread!


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PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2019 1:21 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
No jokes for 10 days?? Time to blow the cobwebs off.
SOS - I need your help!
A bloke called Buster is spamming me on the Internet.
He keeps sending me videos of 70's glam-rockers, The Sweet?
I've got no idea how to get rid of him - does anyone know a way? here's got to be a way to block Buster.

Warburton always clears his plate at tea-time; yes, he always has the wholemeal.



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PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2019 12:32 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, walshy, one good thing you can say about Warburton is, he always uses his loaf.

Anyway, I was in my local Ann Summers shop & I told the checkout girl I'd like a thong; she went, "Jutht a thong at twilight..." They had a dildo, on the box it said, "9 inches & realistic" - I thought, well which is it??

Oh, and one more thing - as Lootenant Columbo always used to say:
How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a
LBLIHBUTG ???



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PostPosted: Fri May 31, 2019 3:49 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 1:41 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Just heard a great new CD, "Music For Limbo Dancing."
By Gary Barlow.
That might be a little subtle for you, try this:-

A friend's trying to get me to invest in old Egyptian monuments-
but it sounds like pyramid selling to me.

I was in a restaurant last night, I said "How long will my spaghetti be?"
The waiter said, "I don't know - we don't measure it."



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 3:42 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I went to a wedding at the weekend.

I said to the bloke next to me "The bride is very ugly".

"Do you mind" came the reply "she happens to be my daughter!"

"Very sorry " I say "I didn't realise you were her father"

"I'm not - I'm her mother!"


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