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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2019 4:57 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3564Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I just found a packet of fish fingers in the street. At first I felt guilty, then I thought.....Findus keepers.
I went home & did some gardening; first I divided the grassy area into 4; I did it forlornly. Then I added some soil to my vegetable patch - the plot thickens.
Newsflash! A man has collapsed while riding on the London Eye. Paramedics say he's coming around......



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 12:41 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3564Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went to my regular meeting of Plastic Surgery Anonymous yesterday.
There were a lot of new faces.
8)



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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 7:15 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3564Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A lorry carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the M25.
There are massive cues.
The driver needed a rest, but he hit a bridge.



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2019 10:22 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My mate told me he went on a cheap date because all his new girlfriend wanted to drink was tonic water. I asked him how the date went. He said very well because he Schwepped her off her feet.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2019 3:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3564Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
No-one else has posted for the last week??
Time to blow the cobwebs off.
An ice-cream van crashed in my street; the whole area was coned-off.
I asked my German pal if he knew the square root of 81;he said no.
The wife tried to stop me from impersonating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2019 11:30 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3564Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
They say walking's a great way to exercise.
When my granddad turned 65, he started walking 5 miles every day.
He's 89 now, and we have no idea where he is.



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PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2019 5:14 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I said to the waitress " Can I ask you some questions about the menu please?"

She said " The men I please is none of your business!"


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2019 4:21 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 165Location: Belfast
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and orders a drink.
"It's a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff" says the Barman.
"Just call me Hoff" he replies.
"Sure" says the barman.

"No hassle"



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PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2019 3:35 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3564Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
What a day I've had today!
First, I went to see the doctor, for piles. He said, "Don't worry, we'll soon get to the bottom of it." Then I was in B & Q and got thrown out & barred! Well, some twat in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking.....luckily I got the first punch in.



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 09, 2019 1:26 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3564Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've just been sacked from the tyre factory.
I kept letting them down.




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PostPosted: Mon Mar 11, 2019 3:05 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3564Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
That Walshy....he's a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac. He's up all night, wondering if there's a dog.

Poor old Liam...he rang me up last night, he said "Steve, I've almost done this crossword but I cant spell the last answer- Armageddon." I said "Cheer up son - it's not the end of the world."

Anyway, we're in Lent right now, anybody giving anything up?
I was going to give up Viagra, but I doubt if I can keep it up.

Ever wondered why hurricanes are named after women?
When they've left, they've taken the house and car with them.



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2019 2:32 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3564Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
It's the Saturday Joke-Fest; just in case we need cheering up, come 5.45.

A friend of mine was killed when a piano fell on him.
Just been to the funeral- it was a low-key affair.

I lost my job as a glass-blower; there was a recession and the bubble burst. So I went for another job, the interviewer said, "How do you perform under pressure?" I said, "Better than I do Bohemian Rhapsody." (keep going)

I'm thinking about getting a dog, but I cant decide which breed.
Can anybody give me a few pointers? (this is better than Comic Relief)

Bad spellers of the world, untie! (almost there)

What do we want?
Less acronyms!
When do we want them?
A.S.A.P.

(that's enough, they can't take any more)



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PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2019 4:33 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 165Location: Belfast
Two doctors in practice in a small town clinic in Bluebell had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go. "Why, we just hired her?" "Well, I think she is dyslexic and does things backwards. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour."
The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor asked.
"To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil.



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PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2019 4:43 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 165Location: Belfast
I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in." However, the bloke on the next table said, "My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died."
Fcuk me.
If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd have been happy.
I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"
He said, "Nah; he choked on a sock."



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2019 2:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3564Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A bloke had an offer of a great job, but he just had one problem - it was in Liverpool. He asked his next-door neighbour, who used to live in da Pewl, if the crime there was as bad as the papers say; the neighbour said, "No, I lived there 20 years & I was never bothered by criminals." "What job did you do?" asked the bloke; to which his neighbour replied, "I was the rear gunner on a bread van."



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