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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 11:22 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3474Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
You bumbed into me, Dubliner?? :oops:
And the M50 reference was JOHN22 not me. :roll:
Apart from that, you were spot on!
:P

Anyway, there's an Interesting Xmas Fact behind today's door:
Families in Slovakia celebrate with the man of the house filling his spoon with pudding, then flinging it at the ceiling to see if it sticks.



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PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 12:23 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3474Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm fighting back the tears to bring you today's ribbed tickler.
My wife has just left me because she says I'm obsessed with rugby.
I begged her to give me one more try......

Anyway, let's open today's door on......(sound effect - creaky door opening)
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.
I was very upset when my mum & dad told me Father Christmas wasn't real.
I was so upset, I jumped in my car, drove to the pub and had a skinful.

And today's Interesting Xmas Fact: (well, it's not that interesting, actually)
Men in traditional costume form lines and fire guns in the air to mark Xmas, in parts of southern Bavaria.

And finally - what do you get when cross a joke with a rhetorical question??



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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2018 3:14 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3474Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Once again, it's time to open today's door (sound effects- creaky door opening) on...(to be read out in a Vincent Price-type voice).....
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOOOMMMMMMM.

Gillette have brought out a special new razor, for dyslexics.
It's the hottest thing since sliced beard.

And today's Interesting Xmas Fact is so bad, I hesitate to say it, but here goes anyway: The Japanese celebrate Xmas by eating huge amounts of KFC chicken, with families reserving their buckets months in advance.
Well I never - ah so.



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PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2018 12:43 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3474Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A Pole went for an eye-check.
The optician said, "Can you read the top line?"
The jam roll said, "Read it? - I know him!"

That's not a Christmas joke, just a little bonus. HERE is what's behind today's door on...The Advent Calendar of Doom.
Bonnie Tyler's husband offered her some sweets at Xmas.
"Cadbury's Roses, darling?" "No thanks."
"Celebrations, then?" "No thanks."
"Milk Tray, Bonnie? The ladies love Milk Tray." "No thanks," said Bonnie - (here comes the punchline, in case you haven't already worked it out) I'm holding out for a Hero."




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PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 7:06 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch." *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out.
The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?" "Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fucking Coco Pops."


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 7:11 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2018 11:23 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3474Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A classic, JOHN; almost makes me ashamed of the jokes I'm about to put up! Almost, but not quite......well boys & girls, it was the office Xmas party last night and there were Christmas crackers a-plenty, so here come the jokes behind today's door in the Advent Calendar of Doom:
What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps!
What happened when the snowman fell out with the snowgirl? He got the cold shoulder.
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet.

Never mind, it'll soon be over........



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2018 1:15 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3474Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'll be logging off for Xmas soon, so unless anyone wants to put a joke up tomorrow, it's time to open the very last door on.....The Advent Calendar of Doom.
Ah, this time of year brings back memories for me.....every Xmas I'd rush down the stairs to the big pile of parcels and unwrap them as fast as I could. Sometimes, there'd be fights over who had the best toys, but we'd all make up and sit down to a 3-hour dinner before watching TV the rest of the day. How I miss my job at the Royal Mail sorting office......
And I'm feeling generous, so here's a Christmas bonus:
The OCD Sufferers' Xmas party takes place tonight; things are NOT going to get messy!

A Merry Xmas to you all, thanks for the jokes & keep 'em coming in 2019.



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PostPosted: Wed Dec 26, 2018 12:54 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 164Location: Belfast
I opened and unsigned Christmas card yesterday and a wee pile of rice fell out, so I reckon it was from my Uncle Ben?



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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:18 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
Diego sat at the bar, just looking at his drink, staring at it for over half an hour.
A big rough, tough looking truck driver came into the bar and stood next to him, took the drink from Diego, and drank it all down in one gulp.
Diego started crying uncontrollably.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that," said Diego, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and I went in late to my job. The boss went crazy and sacked me, when I left the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet on the seat. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife Maria in bed with, Joe the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2019 12:26 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3474Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Must admit to neglecting all recently, mirth fans, so here's a bumper bundle of ribbed ticklers.
A weasel walks into a bar: the barman says, "We don't get many weasels in here, what can I get you?" " Pop," goes the weasel.
Bnag! That's bang out of order.
The next-door neighbour knocked on my door at 3 o'c this morning; lucky I was still playing my drums.
Walshy.....



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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:23 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3474Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Last night, the wife said she was leaving me, because she reckons I'm obsessed with astronomy. Honestly, what planet is she on?? :roll:



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2019 2:29 pm Reply with quote
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Anybody got the address of the Trampoline Society? Every time I send them an email, I just get a bounce back. Come on, don't make me do somersaults to get a response..... Anyway, how about some band name jokes?
Like this classic from the original thread: I'm in a band called Cat's Eyes. We mainly play middle of the road. Then there's the band called Upholstery - they mainly do covers.Or The Innocents - they never got a booking.



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 12:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3474Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Heard on the news this morning that today is Groundhog Day. If you thought it was all made up for that film - no; every year, on this day, people wait in some small U.S. town with an unpronounceable name for a rodent called Phil to pop it's head up. This, apparently, helps them decided if that year's summer is going to be good or bad. Although "Phil" only has a 39% success rate in his predictions - might as well get a job with the Met. Office.
Anyway, as today is Groundhog Day, I thought I'd take you back in time (as in the film) to the very first joke ever told on this thread.
My friend Marge is ill. In fact, she's been ill for so long, she's thinking of changing her name to "I cant believe I'm not better."

And now, a new joke:
I said to my friend, "I really like Beyonce." He said, "Whatever floats your boat." I said, "No, that's buoyancy." Just think - if she married Roy Castle's son, she'd be known as Beyoncé Castle!
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 6:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3474Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A friend rang me up just now, he said he'd changed his name. I asked him to what, he said "Spinal Column." I said can I call you back?

I'm putting all my John Lennon records up for sale on ebay.
Imagine all the Pay Pal.



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