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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:18 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
Diego sat at the bar, just looking at his drink, staring at it for over half an hour.
A big rough, tough looking truck driver came into the bar and stood next to him, took the drink from Diego, and drank it all down in one gulp.
Diego started crying uncontrollably.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that," said Diego, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and I went in late to my job. The boss went crazy and sacked me, when I left the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet on the seat. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife Maria in bed with, Joe the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2019 12:26 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3488Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Must admit to neglecting all recently, mirth fans, so here's a bumper bundle of ribbed ticklers.
A weasel walks into a bar: the barman says, "We don't get many weasels in here, what can I get you?" " Pop," goes the weasel.
Bnag! That's bang out of order.
The next-door neighbour knocked on my door at 3 o'c this morning; lucky I was still playing my drums.
Walshy.....



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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:23 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3488Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Last night, the wife said she was leaving me, because she reckons I'm obsessed with astronomy. Honestly, what planet is she on?? :roll:



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2019 2:29 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3488Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Anybody got the address of the Trampoline Society? Every time I send them an email, I just get a bounce back. Come on, don't make me do somersaults to get a response..... Anyway, how about some band name jokes?
Like this classic from the original thread: I'm in a band called Cat's Eyes. We mainly play middle of the road. Then there's the band called Upholstery - they mainly do covers.Or The Innocents - they never got a booking.



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 12:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3488Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Heard on the news this morning that today is Groundhog Day. If you thought it was all made up for that film - no; every year, on this day, people wait in some small U.S. town with an unpronounceable name for a rodent called Phil to pop it's head up. This, apparently, helps them decided if that year's summer is going to be good or bad. Although "Phil" only has a 39% success rate in his predictions - might as well get a job with the Met. Office.
Anyway, as today is Groundhog Day, I thought I'd take you back in time (as in the film) to the very first joke ever told on this thread.
My friend Marge is ill. In fact, she's been ill for so long, she's thinking of changing her name to "I cant believe I'm not better."

And now, a new joke:
I said to my friend, "I really like Beyonce." He said, "Whatever floats your boat." I said, "No, that's buoyancy." Just think - if she married Roy Castle's son, she'd be known as Beyoncé Castle!
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 6:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3488Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A friend rang me up just now, he said he'd changed his name. I asked him to what, he said "Spinal Column." I said can I call you back?

I'm putting all my John Lennon records up for sale on ebay.
Imagine all the Pay Pal.



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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 3:48 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
A guy buys a talking centipede for £5,000 and takes it home in a box.

In a while he opens the box and asks the centipede if it would like to go for a pint. No answer.

He then shouts at the centipede "DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A PINT?"

The centipede eventually replied. "No need to shout I heard you the first time. I'm just putting my shoes on!"


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 3:55 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
When I was younger I attended medical school. In one exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important body part which is most useful when erect.

Those that answered SPINE are doctors today. The rest of us write on Indyrs!


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 3:58 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I said to my wife "When I die I am going to leave everything to you"

She replied "You already do, you lazy b*stard"


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2019 4:57 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3488Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I just found a packet of fish fingers in the street. At first I felt guilty, then I thought.....Findus keepers.
I went home & did some gardening; first I divided the grassy area into 4; I did it forlornly. Then I added some soil to my vegetable patch - the plot thickens.
Newsflash! A man has collapsed while riding on the London Eye. Paramedics say he's coming around......



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2019 10:22 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My mate told me he went on a cheap date because all his new girlfriend wanted to drink was tonic water. I asked him how the date went. He said very well because he Schwepped her off her feet.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2019 3:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3488Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
No-one else has posted for the last week??
Time to blow the cobwebs off.
An ice-cream van crashed in my street; the whole area was coned-off.
I asked my German pal if he knew the square root of 81;he said no.
The wife tried to stop me from impersonating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2019 11:30 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3488Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
They say walking's a great way to exercise.
When my granddad turned 65, he started walking 5 miles every day.
He's 89 now, and we have no idea where he is.



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PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2019 5:14 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 315Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I said to the waitress " Can I ask you some questions about the menu please?"

She said " The men I please is none of your business!"


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2019 4:21 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 165Location: Belfast
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and orders a drink.
"It's a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff" says the Barman.
"Just call me Hoff" he replies.
"Sure" says the barman.

"No hassle"



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