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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2018 3:21 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Now, it's not very often that I ask you lot for advice.
Mainly because I know what you're like. :roll:
But I have some thing of a moral dilemma.
"You should GET some morals, Steve" - I hear you say.
Well, it's simply this: on a certain Facebook page, which shall remain anonymous (Finding Lost Friends From Shepherds Bush), there's a page called "Where were you when Pres. Kennedy was shot?"
Now, my moral dilemma is this: DO I, or do I NOT answer,
"On the grassy knoll" ???

YOU decide - yes or no ?????



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2018 12:35 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 527Location: It's in the Name
An 85 year old man went to the doctor and asked to have his semen cheked. The doctor, while a bit surprised, still hands him a sample jar and tells him to return it with a sample.

The next day the old man returns with an empty jar. Doctor asks what happened.
"Well" says the old man, "first I tried with my right hand and when nothing happened I tried my left. When that didn't work, I asked my wife to help. She tried both hands, then her mouth, with teeth in and without."

The Doctor, baffled, asks "And?"

"Then I asked my neighbour for help. She's only 68. She tried using both hands, her mouth and even squeezing it between her legs."

The Doctor, shocked, says "You actually asked your neighbour for help?!"

The old man replies, "Yeah, but try as we might we just couldn't get the bloody lid open!"



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2018 1:27 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
What a busy couple of days I've had recently.
I just finished doing jury service; 2 men were found guilty of stealing a calendar, they got 6 months each. Then I went into a pet shop, I asked the bloke if I could buy a wasp. He said they didn't sell wasps; I said well there's one in the window. Then I went to the Plastic Surgery Anonymous meeting, there were a lot of new faces.....



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2018 1:59 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Must admit, I nicked the calendar joke off Tony Blackburn, he told it on his Radio 2 show this morning. So at least it's fresh, and it's not very often you can say that about his jokes!
As for the "grassy knoll" thing.....no-one replied so I did it any way.
Let's see if anyone takes the bait....I'll let you know.



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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 1:09 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
This is how the conversation started:
Dubliner: Do you fancy trying something from the Kama Sutra tonight?
Mrs. Dubliner: Yes, let's get a curry.



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PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2018 2:10 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 527Location: It's in the Name
In the end we actually went out to eat in a new restaurant that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds. We both ordered pelican, which was really fantastic.....but the bill was enormous.



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PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2018 12:02 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Walshy rang me this morning, he said "Steve, I've got a cracking joke for you, but please don't say it was me what told it you." I said, "Walshy, me old pal, integrity is my watchword; confidential is my middle name; stand on me, my son." So here it is, in all it's glory:
JOHN22 & Dubliner were in a churchyard, looking at headstones.
John said, "Hey Dubliner - this bloke here was 127!"
Dubliner said, "What was his name?"
To which John replied, "Miles, from London."



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:38 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Early Christmas shopping.

I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD!


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 5:39 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
My friend Colin, who works for the police in their 999 call centre- Colin All-Cars, to give him his full name - told me these crime-related jokes.
I got a free meal from Pizza Hut; they do it for everyone who climbs out of the toilet window & runs away. Hot air balloon theft - it's on the rise. I bought a pair of trainers from a drug dealer; I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.



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PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2018 4:04 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Sorry I haven't been on for a few days, but I've had probs with my computer. I tried to re-set my password to " fortnight," but the computer reckoned that was too week.

Anyway, Christmas is a-comin', the goose is getting fat - yes, it's that time of year once more so this thread now becomes.............(ooh, you can feel the suspense building) THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.

Right people, you know how it goes, every day we open a door on the Advent Calendar, to reveal the joke inside. Like this ribbed tickler:
I just bought the wife a new bag & belt for Christmas. From now on, the Hoover should work a treat! (OK, I know - those presents suck; I'm Dyson with death.)



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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:46 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 503
Dubliner is driving on the M50 Motorway.

His wife calls him on his mobile phone and in a worried voice says,
''Alan, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on the M50!''

Alan says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:49 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 503
Two cannibals, a father and son, are walking down the street, when they notice a hot girl passing by.
The son says to the father, "Daddy, I'm hungry, let’s eat that girl that just passed by."
The father replies, "I've got a better idea son, let’s take this one home and eat your mother instead!"


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 10:20 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 325
After eating all his christmas decorations last year,its good news , Steve has eventually got over his Tinsilitis :P


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2018 12:52 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Righto boys & girls, it's time once more to open today's door on.....
The Advent Calendar of Doom.
How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a GLBHUBITL??

What is everybody's favourite Christmas song? Let us know, let us know, let us know.....or do you prefer a silent night??



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 8:24 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 527Location: It's in the Name
I went to the doctors today and he said I was paranoid.

...Well he didn't actually say it, but I knew what he was thinking......


I bumbed into Steveqpr881 while I was at the doctors, he was complaining of hearing problems and the doctor asked him if he could describe the symptoms.

"Yes", said Steve "Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair".

PS impressed at your M50 ref Steve that’s exactly where it happened!



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