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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2018 2:10 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 529Location: It's in the Name
In the end we actually went out to eat in a new restaurant that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds. We both ordered pelican, which was really fantastic.....but the bill was enormous.



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PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2018 12:02 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3566Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Walshy rang me this morning, he said "Steve, I've got a cracking joke for you, but please don't say it was me what told it you." I said, "Walshy, me old pal, integrity is my watchword; confidential is my middle name; stand on me, my son." So here it is, in all it's glory:
JOHN22 & Dubliner were in a churchyard, looking at headstones.
John said, "Hey Dubliner - this bloke here was 127!"
Dubliner said, "What was his name?"
To which John replied, "Miles, from London."



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:38 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Early Christmas shopping.

I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD!


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 5:39 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3566Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
My friend Colin, who works for the police in their 999 call centre- Colin All-Cars, to give him his full name - told me these crime-related jokes.
I got a free meal from Pizza Hut; they do it for everyone who climbs out of the toilet window & runs away. Hot air balloon theft - it's on the rise. I bought a pair of trainers from a drug dealer; I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.



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PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2018 4:04 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3566Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Sorry I haven't been on for a few days, but I've had probs with my computer. I tried to re-set my password to " fortnight," but the computer reckoned that was too week.

Anyway, Christmas is a-comin', the goose is getting fat - yes, it's that time of year once more so this thread now becomes.............(ooh, you can feel the suspense building) THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.

Right people, you know how it goes, every day we open a door on the Advent Calendar, to reveal the joke inside. Like this ribbed tickler:
I just bought the wife a new bag & belt for Christmas. From now on, the Hoover should work a treat! (OK, I know - those presents suck; I'm Dyson with death.)



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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:46 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 503
Dubliner is driving on the M50 Motorway.

His wife calls him on his mobile phone and in a worried voice says,
''Alan, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on the M50!''

Alan says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:49 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 503
Two cannibals, a father and son, are walking down the street, when they notice a hot girl passing by.
The son says to the father, "Daddy, I'm hungry, let’s eat that girl that just passed by."
The father replies, "I've got a better idea son, let’s take this one home and eat your mother instead!"


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 10:20 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 322
After eating all his christmas decorations last year,its good news , Steve has eventually got over his Tinsilitis :P


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2018 12:52 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3566Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Righto boys & girls, it's time once more to open today's door on.....
The Advent Calendar of Doom.
How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a GLBHUBITL??

What is everybody's favourite Christmas song? Let us know, let us know, let us know.....or do you prefer a silent night??



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 8:24 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 529Location: It's in the Name
I went to the doctors today and he said I was paranoid.

...Well he didn't actually say it, but I knew what he was thinking......


I bumbed into Steveqpr881 while I was at the doctors, he was complaining of hearing problems and the doctor asked him if he could describe the symptoms.

"Yes", said Steve "Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair".

PS impressed at your M50 ref Steve that’s exactly where it happened!



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 11:22 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3566Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
You bumbed into me, Dubliner?? :oops:
And the M50 reference was JOHN22 not me. :roll:
Apart from that, you were spot on!
:P

Anyway, there's an Interesting Xmas Fact behind today's door:
Families in Slovakia celebrate with the man of the house filling his spoon with pudding, then flinging it at the ceiling to see if it sticks.



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PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 12:23 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3566Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm fighting back the tears to bring you today's ribbed tickler.
My wife has just left me because she says I'm obsessed with rugby.
I begged her to give me one more try......

Anyway, let's open today's door on......(sound effect - creaky door opening)
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.
I was very upset when my mum & dad told me Father Christmas wasn't real.
I was so upset, I jumped in my car, drove to the pub and had a skinful.

And today's Interesting Xmas Fact: (well, it's not that interesting, actually)
Men in traditional costume form lines and fire guns in the air to mark Xmas, in parts of southern Bavaria.

And finally - what do you get when cross a joke with a rhetorical question??



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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2018 3:14 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3566Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Once again, it's time to open today's door (sound effects- creaky door opening) on...(to be read out in a Vincent Price-type voice).....
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOOOMMMMMMM.

Gillette have brought out a special new razor, for dyslexics.
It's the hottest thing since sliced beard.

And today's Interesting Xmas Fact is so bad, I hesitate to say it, but here goes anyway: The Japanese celebrate Xmas by eating huge amounts of KFC chicken, with families reserving their buckets months in advance.
Well I never - ah so.



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PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2018 12:43 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3566Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A Pole went for an eye-check.
The optician said, "Can you read the top line?"
The jam roll said, "Read it? - I know him!"

That's not a Christmas joke, just a little bonus. HERE is what's behind today's door on...The Advent Calendar of Doom.
Bonnie Tyler's husband offered her some sweets at Xmas.
"Cadbury's Roses, darling?" "No thanks."
"Celebrations, then?" "No thanks."
"Milk Tray, Bonnie? The ladies love Milk Tray." "No thanks," said Bonnie - (here comes the punchline, in case you haven't already worked it out) I'm holding out for a Hero."




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PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 7:06 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 503
A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch." *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out.
The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?" "Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fucking Coco Pops."


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