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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2018 11:36 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Last night, I was haunted by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor.
First I was afraid, I was petrified.....


(thinks: I hope this doesn't start a tend for song lyric related jokes.....)



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PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2018 1:05 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went for a job interview to be a blacksmith.
The bloke said, "Can you shoe a horse?"
I said, "Probably not - but I could tell a donkey to clear off."

Today's Top Tip:
Keep your wife on her toes, nail the housekeeping money to the ceiling!



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PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2018 3:07 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman are all sentenced to 20 lashes (say it's the 18th century or something). The Scotsman is asked if he wants anything on his back & he asks for some sacking. After the 20 lashes, it's in pieces. The Irishman is asked if he wants anything, but he says no & takes his 20 lashes without a murmur. Then the Englishman is asked if he wants anything on his back & says, "I'll have the Irishman, please."



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2018 12:37 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Still on the job interview theme:
I went for a job, the bloke asked me what my biggest weakness was;
I said "I have trouble telling truth from fiction."
Then he asked what my biggest strength was & I said,
"I'm Batman."

I was going to tell a joke about carpentry, but I doubt it wood work.

Hear about the French chef who committed suicide?
He lost the huile d'olive (that is your actual French).

I'm on a roll, people, there's no stopping me......remember, there are two rules to success: 1) Don't tell everybody everything you know.



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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2018 1:58 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 537Location: It's in the Name
"I'm so lucky to have you," I said, "You support me, put up with all my shit and you let me hug you when I'm drunk!

I love my toilet.



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PostPosted: Thu Nov 22, 2018 2:12 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 504
I said to my shrink, "I feel like a supermarket."
He said, "How long have you felt like that?"
I said, "Since I was Lidl."

………………………………………………………………………...

If you're ever attacked by clowns, go for the juggler.....!


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 22, 2018 2:05 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 537Location: It's in the Name
I went to the doctors today and he said I was paranoid...

...Well he didn't actually say it, but I knew what he was thinking



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PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2018 3:21 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Now, it's not very often that I ask you lot for advice.
Mainly because I know what you're like. :roll:
But I have some thing of a moral dilemma.
"You should GET some morals, Steve" - I hear you say.
Well, it's simply this: on a certain Facebook page, which shall remain anonymous (Finding Lost Friends From Shepherds Bush), there's a page called "Where were you when Pres. Kennedy was shot?"
Now, my moral dilemma is this: DO I, or do I NOT answer,
"On the grassy knoll" ???

YOU decide - yes or no ?????



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2018 12:35 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 537Location: It's in the Name
An 85 year old man went to the doctor and asked to have his semen cheked. The doctor, while a bit surprised, still hands him a sample jar and tells him to return it with a sample.

The next day the old man returns with an empty jar. Doctor asks what happened.
"Well" says the old man, "first I tried with my right hand and when nothing happened I tried my left. When that didn't work, I asked my wife to help. She tried both hands, then her mouth, with teeth in and without."

The Doctor, baffled, asks "And?"

"Then I asked my neighbour for help. She's only 68. She tried using both hands, her mouth and even squeezing it between her legs."

The Doctor, shocked, says "You actually asked your neighbour for help?!"

The old man replies, "Yeah, but try as we might we just couldn't get the bloody lid open!"



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2018 1:27 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
What a busy couple of days I've had recently.
I just finished doing jury service; 2 men were found guilty of stealing a calendar, they got 6 months each. Then I went into a pet shop, I asked the bloke if I could buy a wasp. He said they didn't sell wasps; I said well there's one in the window. Then I went to the Plastic Surgery Anonymous meeting, there were a lot of new faces.....



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2018 1:59 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Must admit, I nicked the calendar joke off Tony Blackburn, he told it on his Radio 2 show this morning. So at least it's fresh, and it's not very often you can say that about his jokes!
As for the "grassy knoll" thing.....no-one replied so I did it any way.
Let's see if anyone takes the bait....I'll let you know.



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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 1:09 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
This is how the conversation started:
Dubliner: Do you fancy trying something from the Kama Sutra tonight?
Mrs. Dubliner: Yes, let's get a curry.



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PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2018 2:10 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 537Location: It's in the Name
In the end we actually went out to eat in a new restaurant that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds. We both ordered pelican, which was really fantastic.....but the bill was enormous.



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PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2018 12:02 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Walshy rang me this morning, he said "Steve, I've got a cracking joke for you, but please don't say it was me what told it you." I said, "Walshy, me old pal, integrity is my watchword; confidential is my middle name; stand on me, my son." So here it is, in all it's glory:
JOHN22 & Dubliner were in a churchyard, looking at headstones.
John said, "Hey Dubliner - this bloke here was 127!"
Dubliner said, "What was his name?"
To which John replied, "Miles, from London."



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:38 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Early Christmas shopping.

I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD!


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