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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 1:47 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Any more seafood jokes? I pulled a mussel laughing at that one!
Anyway, I've taken out a loan with Wonga to pay for an exorcism.
If I don't pay it back, they'll repossess me!



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:24 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
No posts anywhere on this MB since Friday....cue tumbleweed!
Mind you, we didn't have a game because of the internationals; there's nothing for the usual suspects to moan about :roll:
Anyway, I've got a bit of a backlog to clear, so empty your colostomy bags, people - you have been warned!
I said to my shrink, "I feel like a supermarket."
He said, "How long have you felt like that?"
I said, "Since I was Lidl."
I've been sacked from my job on the dodgems; I'm going to sue them for funfair dismissal.
I had my first cage fight yesterday; beat the shit out of my budgie.

And the posh French bird from the Ferrero Rocher ad said,
"M'sieu, wiz all zese ribbed ticklers, you are really spoiling us."



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 5:19 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I had a problem with premature ejaculation and decided to make an appointment to see a doctor. When I got there the receptionist told me I had come a day early!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2018 10:44 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 325
I got cut up by a taxi driver last week.
I was walking through town today and I recognised him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank.
I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?"£5 said the driver.
"And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".£5 said the driver.
"And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn,
until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
"How much to the station ?".
£5 said the driver. "Okay" I said "Let's go"
As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a big thumbs up with a big grin on my face.
:lol:


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2018 11:09 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Nice one, walshy!

Today's offering is a bit old, I must admit - don't anyone say he could've emailed for free, that spoils it. Anyway, here goes.....
An alsation walks into a post office & asks how much to send a telegram.
The bloke at the counter says, "£5 a word, but we've got a special offer - the 1st 10 words are free." So the alsation says, "OK, make it woof, woof, woof. Woof, woof, woof, woof. Woof, woof. Woof, woof." The bloke at the counter says, "That's 11 words - if you drop one, it'll be free." To which the alsation replies, "Yes- but then it wouldn't make sense."

Liam......



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2018 12:06 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 325
The wife crashed the car this morning. :cry:
When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and was eating a pizza and drinking beer :evil:
Mind you the police did advise her the poor sod was entitled to do whatever he wanted to do in his own fu*king conservatory. :shock:


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2018 2:09 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 325
KIN ELL its grim up Norf from my hotel window in Grimsby :shock: ...all I can see is the harbour area...trawlers...the fish-dock and market...Oh!...and a fish - finger processing plant!...mine you on the bright side it's a Birds-Eye view :wink:


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2018 2:24 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'M BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, they couldn't keep me down.
I've had trouble logging on recently - something to do with a filter on my PC,
seems it objected to some of the rude words on this thread :roll:
But I'm back, and ready to post some more top-class, cutting edge ribbed ticklers. And here's today's.......

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza; should've put it on aloha setting....geddit??



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PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2018 11:36 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Last night, I was haunted by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor.
First I was afraid, I was petrified.....


(thinks: I hope this doesn't start a tend for song lyric related jokes.....)



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PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2018 1:05 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went for a job interview to be a blacksmith.
The bloke said, "Can you shoe a horse?"
I said, "Probably not - but I could tell a donkey to clear off."

Today's Top Tip:
Keep your wife on her toes, nail the housekeeping money to the ceiling!



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PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2018 3:07 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman are all sentenced to 20 lashes (say it's the 18th century or something). The Scotsman is asked if he wants anything on his back & he asks for some sacking. After the 20 lashes, it's in pieces. The Irishman is asked if he wants anything, but he says no & takes his 20 lashes without a murmur. Then the Englishman is asked if he wants anything on his back & says, "I'll have the Irishman, please."



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2018 12:37 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Still on the job interview theme:
I went for a job, the bloke asked me what my biggest weakness was;
I said "I have trouble telling truth from fiction."
Then he asked what my biggest strength was & I said,
"I'm Batman."

I was going to tell a joke about carpentry, but I doubt it wood work.

Hear about the French chef who committed suicide?
He lost the huile d'olive (that is your actual French).

I'm on a roll, people, there's no stopping me......remember, there are two rules to success: 1) Don't tell everybody everything you know.



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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2018 1:58 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 527Location: It's in the Name
"I'm so lucky to have you," I said, "You support me, put up with all my shit and you let me hug you when I'm drunk!

I love my toilet.



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PostPosted: Thu Nov 22, 2018 2:12 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 503
I said to my shrink, "I feel like a supermarket."
He said, "How long have you felt like that?"
I said, "Since I was Lidl."

………………………………………………………………………...

If you're ever attacked by clowns, go for the juggler.....!


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 22, 2018 2:05 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 527Location: It's in the Name
I went to the doctors today and he said I was paranoid...

...Well he didn't actually say it, but I knew what he was thinking



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