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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2018 1:21 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, we certainly haven't had much to laugh about since Saturday afternoon....never mind, this'll put the smiles back on your faces.
Did you hear that so-called 'funniest joke of the Edinburgh fringe festival?'
It goes like this: Working in a Jobcentre is very tense, because even if you're sacked, you know you have to go in the next day. Edinburgh Fringe?
More like Edinburgh Cringe, IMO. I've got a thousand jokes better than that, and here are some of them.
I was caught pissing in the swimming pool today; when the lifeguard blew his whistle, I was so surprised, I fell in. And, Jamie Oliver made his gravy with nitrous oxide...that made him a laughing stock. I've got kleptomania...I must take something for it.
Walshy.......



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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2018 1:35 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
It's that time of year again, when academic results are published.
I just took 4 A-Levels in Scandinavian pop;
I got A,B,B,A. 8)
And congrats to my niece, who did a degree in ballet & got a 2,2
(think about it....)
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11


Alan Wilkes - Acker Bilk (with a silent s )



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2018 10:32 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Keep 'em coming, Liam.
And today's Ribbed Tickler:
If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Walshy rang me last night, he said "I've run out of lightbulb jokes Steve, I'm a bit dim." I said, "You can have this one on me, walshy: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?" He said " I dunno." :?
I said, "Bananas." If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it's be Groundhog Day. D'you know what, if you laid every Tom Hanks dvd end-to-end, you'd be thrown out of the charity shop. :roll: If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Peter Hucker - Grange Hill's Tucker.
If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2018 8:26 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2018 3:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
There's no stopping Liam at the moment!
I was in a pub last night with a Scottish pal - let's call him JD.
I said, "Help us out with this crossword - 17a, stuck on a desert island with no means of escape, 8 letters." He said, "Marooned."
I said, "Cheers - I'll have a pint of best & a large whisky chaser."

Iain Dowie - David Bowie.



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2018 3:06 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
And a bonus joke, as it's a Bank Holiday:
The use of nitrous oxide for recreational purposes has been banned on the island of Ibiza, with a £1500 fine for users.
A police spokesman said, "This is no laughing matter."
Much like walshy's jokes.
Liam......

If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life...oh hang on-
Tony Currie - Pete Murray.



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PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2018 12:21 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 166Location: Belfast
I hope the bastard that stole my antidepressants is feeling good about himself



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2018 1:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Hello, murf! Keep 'em coming, son....
And with The Pope in Ireland, here's a topical one:
Nothing says "I don't believe in God" more than a bullet-proof
Popemobile!

btw, I saw an article in yesterday's paper, about how Southgate Station (on the London Underground) was re-named Gareth Southgate during the World Cup. This made me wonder....what railway stations (not just on the underground) could be re-named after QPR players?
I'll start it off: (Ian) Holloway Road.
Anybody got any others??



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2018 11:08 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My wife was away last weekend and she left had some washing to do so I decided to take a taxi to the launderette. The cabbie charged me £38. I feel as if I was taken to the cleaners!


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2018 11:46 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I fell asleep at a party last night, and some bastard put a teabag in my mouth. Wait til I find out who it was...no-one treats me like a mug. :evil:
Anyway, I just finished reading Chubby Checker's biography; there's a big twist at the end.

And another QPR railway station: (Peter) Crouch Hill.



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2018 12:26 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've been seeing a shrink, he's cured me of my obsession with Phil Collins songs. You should see the difference it's made - just take a look at me now..

I went to my local train station, I asked for a ticket from Jermaine to Clarke.
The guy in the ticket booth said- You what?? Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_25
I said- Darlington to Carlisle.

Ron Hunt - James Blunt.



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PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2018 12:12 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've deleted all the German contacts from my mobile; it's now Hans-free.
Some bloke in the pub last night offered me 8 legs of venison for £20,
but I reckon that was too dear. I've been reading Val Doonican's biography;
he was one of the few celebs who didn't want a personalised numberplate on his motor. :oops:

QPR/Underground station: (Alec)Stockwell.



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PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2018 5:20 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, I'll just turn the lights off."

(Peter) Angel
Angel (Rangel)


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:18 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I have been married for several years now and was unable to find the wife's G spot until yesterday. Her sister had it!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:52 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Liam, that reminds me of the time my girlfriend asked, if I was up for a threesome, which of her friends would I fancy? Didn't realise I was only supposed to pick one! :oops:

And today's Ribbed Tickler:
A ceasefire has been called in the Scallop War; but it could just be the clam before the storm.

[3,000+ views, I see!]



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