Independent Rs
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The new, IMPROVED joke thread!
http://www.indyrs.co.uk/messageboard/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=21182
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Author:  liamoliam [ Sun Sep 02, 2018 5:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, I'll just turn the lights off."

(Peter) Angel
Angel (Rangel)

Author:  liamoliam [ Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I have been married for several years now and was unable to find the wife's G spot until yesterday. Her sister had it!

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Liam, that reminds me of the time my girlfriend asked, if I was up for a threesome, which of her friends would I fancy? Didn't realise I was only supposed to pick one! :oops:

And today's Ribbed Tickler:
A ceasefire has been called in the Scallop War; but it could just be the clam before the storm.

[3,000+ views, I see!]

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Fri Sep 07, 2018 1:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Any more seafood jokes? I pulled a mussel laughing at that one!
Anyway, I've taken out a loan with Wonga to pay for an exorcism.
If I don't pay it back, they'll repossess me!

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

No posts anywhere on this MB since Friday....cue tumbleweed!
Mind you, we didn't have a game because of the internationals; there's nothing for the usual suspects to moan about :roll:
Anyway, I've got a bit of a backlog to clear, so empty your colostomy bags, people - you have been warned!
I said to my shrink, "I feel like a supermarket."
He said, "How long have you felt like that?"
I said, "Since I was Lidl."
I've been sacked from my job on the dodgems; I'm going to sue them for funfair dismissal.
I had my first cage fight yesterday; beat the shit out of my budgie.

And the posh French bird from the Ferrero Rocher ad said,
"M'sieu, wiz all zese ribbed ticklers, you are really spoiling us."

Author:  liamoliam [ Mon Sep 10, 2018 5:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I had a problem with premature ejaculation and decided to make an appointment to see a doctor. When I got there the receptionist told me I had come a day early!

Author:  walshy [ Thu Sep 13, 2018 10:44 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I got cut up by a taxi driver last week.
I was walking through town today and I recognised him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank.
I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?"£5 said the driver.
"And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".£5 said the driver.
"And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn,
until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
"How much to the station ?".
£5 said the driver. "Okay" I said "Let's go"
As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a big thumbs up with a big grin on my face.
:lol:

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Thu Sep 13, 2018 11:09 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Nice one, walshy!

Today's offering is a bit old, I must admit - don't anyone say he could've emailed for free, that spoils it. Anyway, here goes.....
An alsation walks into a post office & asks how much to send a telegram.
The bloke at the counter says, "£5 a word, but we've got a special offer - the 1st 10 words are free." So the alsation says, "OK, make it woof, woof, woof. Woof, woof, woof, woof. Woof, woof. Woof, woof." The bloke at the counter says, "That's 11 words - if you drop one, it'll be free." To which the alsation replies, "Yes- but then it wouldn't make sense."

Liam......

Author:  walshy [ Mon Sep 17, 2018 12:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

The wife crashed the car this morning. :cry:
When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and was eating a pizza and drinking beer :evil:
Mind you the police did advise her the poor sod was entitled to do whatever he wanted to do in his own fu*king conservatory. :shock:

Author:  walshy [ Tue Oct 09, 2018 2:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

KIN ELL its grim up Norf from my hotel window in Grimsby :shock: ...all I can see is the harbour area...trawlers...the fish-dock and market...Oh!...and a fish - finger processing plant!...mine you on the bright side it's a Birds-Eye view :wink:

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Tue Oct 09, 2018 2:24 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I'M BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, they couldn't keep me down.
I've had trouble logging on recently - something to do with a filter on my PC,
seems it objected to some of the rude words on this thread :roll:
But I'm back, and ready to post some more top-class, cutting edge ribbed ticklers. And here's today's.......

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza; should've put it on aloha setting....geddit??

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Thu Oct 11, 2018 11:36 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Last night, I was haunted by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor.
First I was afraid, I was petrified.....


(thinks: I hope this doesn't start a tend for song lyric related jokes.....)

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Mon Oct 15, 2018 1:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I went for a job interview to be a blacksmith.
The bloke said, "Can you shoe a horse?"
I said, "Probably not - but I could tell a donkey to clear off."

Today's Top Tip:
Keep your wife on her toes, nail the housekeeping money to the ceiling!

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Thu Oct 18, 2018 3:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman are all sentenced to 20 lashes (say it's the 18th century or something). The Scotsman is asked if he wants anything on his back & he asks for some sacking. After the 20 lashes, it's in pieces. The Irishman is asked if he wants anything, but he says no & takes his 20 lashes without a murmur. Then the Englishman is asked if he wants anything on his back & says, "I'll have the Irishman, please."

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Sat Nov 03, 2018 12:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Still on the job interview theme:
I went for a job, the bloke asked me what my biggest weakness was;
I said "I have trouble telling truth from fiction."
Then he asked what my biggest strength was & I said,
"I'm Batman."

I was going to tell a joke about carpentry, but I doubt it wood work.

Hear about the French chef who committed suicide?
He lost the huile d'olive (that is your actual French).

I'm on a roll, people, there's no stopping me......remember, there are two rules to success: 1) Don't tell everybody everything you know.

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