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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 2:48 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3541Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I had 2 crew-cut Yanks in suits on the doorstep last night, talking to me about the virtues of brown bread. Bloody Hovis Witnesses. :roll:


Bill Murray - Tony Curry.



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 5:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3541Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
And as we're playing tonight, here's a bonus joke to hopefully bring us good luck. I was walking through the local cemetery late last night, when 2 young girls asked me if I'd escort them out; they said that being in there in the dark made them feel frightened. I said, "Sure - I used to feel like that too, when I was alive." Never seen anyone move so fast. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_24


Roy Wegerle - Phil Everley.



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 12:49 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 320
My wife has packed her bags and left me again - just because of my fetish with touching various pasta shapes .
I'm feeling canneloni right now. :roll:

Chris Day Theresa May


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2018 12:01 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3541Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, Tuesday's joke certainly brought the lads good luck.
I expect to be appointed Official Team Morale Officer very soon.

Any way, a man walked into a shrink's office, wearing only a pair of clingfilm trousers. The shrink said, "I can clearly see your nuts." Eye thenk-yew.
And a bonus joke (I got thousands)-
I just quit my job in a helium factory.
I didn't like being spoken to in that tone.
I'm here all week.......

Massimo Luongo - Ali Bongo.
He's magic, you know...Ali Bongo.

Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_15



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2018 2:36 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 320
My new holiday home has just been burnt down by Welsh Nationalists.
which came as a bit of a surprise , as its in Scotland :shock:

Some kind soul left a carrier bag in my front garden so I opened it up.
Well you learn something every day, I never knew Sainsburys sold dog turds . :?


Flavio Briatore Complete & utter Cu*t


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2018 11:07 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3541Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Walshy said to the vet, "I'd like you to have a look at my goldfish, I think it's got epilepsy." The vet said, "Well, it seems fine to me." Walshy said, "Wait a minute, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

Thought For The Day: Is The Isle of Dogs The Isle of Man's best friend??

John Beck - Gregory Peck.



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2018 3:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3541Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Just remembered to say, Thursday was the anniversary of Elvis's death, and that reminded me that I used to have a pet rat called Elvis. Sadly, he's dead, too....he was caught in a trap. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_13

Anyway, I've given up asking rhetorical questions....what's the point?

Angel Rangel - Brett Angel



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2018 1:21 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3541Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, we certainly haven't had much to laugh about since Saturday afternoon....never mind, this'll put the smiles back on your faces.
Did you hear that so-called 'funniest joke of the Edinburgh fringe festival?'
It goes like this: Working in a Jobcentre is very tense, because even if you're sacked, you know you have to go in the next day. Edinburgh Fringe?
More like Edinburgh Cringe, IMO. I've got a thousand jokes better than that, and here are some of them.
I was caught pissing in the swimming pool today; when the lifeguard blew his whistle, I was so surprised, I fell in. And, Jamie Oliver made his gravy with nitrous oxide...that made him a laughing stock. I've got kleptomania...I must take something for it.
Walshy.......



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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2018 1:35 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3541Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
It's that time of year again, when academic results are published.
I just took 4 A-Levels in Scandinavian pop;
I got A,B,B,A. 8)
And congrats to my niece, who did a degree in ballet & got a 2,2
(think about it....)
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11


Alan Wilkes - Acker Bilk (with a silent s )



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2018 10:32 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3541Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Keep 'em coming, Liam.
And today's Ribbed Tickler:
If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Walshy rang me last night, he said "I've run out of lightbulb jokes Steve, I'm a bit dim." I said, "You can have this one on me, walshy: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?" He said " I dunno." :?
I said, "Bananas." If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it's be Groundhog Day. D'you know what, if you laid every Tom Hanks dvd end-to-end, you'd be thrown out of the charity shop. :roll: If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Peter Hucker - Grange Hill's Tucker.
If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2018 8:26 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2018 3:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3541Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
There's no stopping Liam at the moment!
I was in a pub last night with a Scottish pal - let's call him JD.
I said, "Help us out with this crossword - 17a, stuck on a desert island with no means of escape, 8 letters." He said, "Marooned."
I said, "Cheers - I'll have a pint of best & a large whisky chaser."

Iain Dowie - David Bowie.



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2018 3:06 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3541Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
And a bonus joke, as it's a Bank Holiday:
The use of nitrous oxide for recreational purposes has been banned on the island of Ibiza, with a £1500 fine for users.
A police spokesman said, "This is no laughing matter."
Much like walshy's jokes.
Liam......

If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life...oh hang on-
Tony Currie - Pete Murray.



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PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2018 12:21 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 165Location: Belfast
I hope the bastard that stole my antidepressants is feeling good about himself



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2018 1:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3541Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Hello, murf! Keep 'em coming, son....
And with The Pope in Ireland, here's a topical one:
Nothing says "I don't believe in God" more than a bullet-proof
Popemobile!

btw, I saw an article in yesterday's paper, about how Southgate Station (on the London Underground) was re-named Gareth Southgate during the World Cup. This made me wonder....what railway stations (not just on the underground) could be re-named after QPR players?
I'll start it off: (Ian) Holloway Road.
Anybody got any others??



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