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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 3:34 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Blimey, is it nearly a week since a post on this thread?
Time for some more world-class, cutting-edge humour.
Here, then, is today's ribbed tickler.

Have you ever noticed how many Formula 1 drivers are named after places in Scotland? There's Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine & the legendary Brasilian, Ayr Town Centre.
Eye thenk-yew!
Walshy.....



Oh, and some more celeb rhyming slang: Harry Potter - Tarka the Otter.



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:41 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 325
I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She battered her computer keyboard a few times and said!Damn It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!! :?


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:51 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
And here's one I just nicked off Facebook:
I was walking through the White City when I saw 6 lads in QPR tops, playing football with a cat! I was going to call the RSPCA, but then the cat went 1 up!

Steve Russell - Darcy Bussell.



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2018 9:52 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I was sitting in a restaurant on my own when a nice young lady at the next table sneezed. To my surprise her glass eye flew out and bounced on the table but I managed to grab it before it fell to the floor. I returned the eye to the lady who was embarrassed and she said she wanted to make up for it. I said it wasn't necessary but she insisted on taking me out for dinner the following evening.

The next evening went very well and after dinner she asked me to walk her home which I did and she invited me in for a drink. One thing led to another and I stayed the night. She made me breakfast the following morning. I thanked her for a great evening and I asked her if she had a habit of taking strangers home and giving them such a good time. She said definitely not she only does it for men who catch her eye! :shock:


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:08 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 325
"Formed in 1977 in Coventry, England, they are an English 2tone ska revival band whose music combines a steady rock beat with punk attitude. Jerry Dammers and his bandmates achieved fame and notoriety with classics like "Ghost town" and "Too much too young".
"Well that's true", I said to the waiter, "But it's not what I meant when I asked you to tell me about The Specials"... :shock:


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:11 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Speaking of The Specials, walshy - and this is a true story - I once went to see them at Poole Arts Centre. Before the gig, Jerry Dammers turned up at the front door, but the bouncer wouldn't let him in, as he didn't have a ticket! :roll: I said, "You'd better let him in, or there won't be a gig - he's the lead singer." My small part in 2 Tone history.

Anyway, I hear that over-priced department store chain House of Fraser has gone into administration. A spokesman said, "We're doomed...doomed."
Private Fraser, out of Dad's Army - geddit??



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2018 3:08 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Speaking of House of Fraser, I see they've been taken over by that twat Mike Ashley from Sports Direct; so now they really are doomed.

Anyway, I've had to shut down my poultry dating website;
I couldn't make hens meet.

Alec Stock - Kid Rock.



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PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2018 1:55 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 325
The Devon & Cornwall Nostalgic music festival has been cancelled.
Organisers couldn’t decide who should go on first. Cream or The Jam :P


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 2:48 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I had 2 crew-cut Yanks in suits on the doorstep last night, talking to me about the virtues of brown bread. Bloody Hovis Witnesses. :roll:


Bill Murray - Tony Curry.



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 5:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
And as we're playing tonight, here's a bonus joke to hopefully bring us good luck. I was walking through the local cemetery late last night, when 2 young girls asked me if I'd escort them out; they said that being in there in the dark made them feel frightened. I said, "Sure - I used to feel like that too, when I was alive." Never seen anyone move so fast. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_24


Roy Wegerle - Phil Everley.



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2018 12:49 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 325
My wife has packed her bags and left me again - just because of my fetish with touching various pasta shapes .
I'm feeling canneloni right now. :roll:

Chris Day Theresa May


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2018 12:01 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, Tuesday's joke certainly brought the lads good luck.
I expect to be appointed Official Team Morale Officer very soon.

Any way, a man walked into a shrink's office, wearing only a pair of clingfilm trousers. The shrink said, "I can clearly see your nuts." Eye thenk-yew.
And a bonus joke (I got thousands)-
I just quit my job in a helium factory.
I didn't like being spoken to in that tone.
I'm here all week.......

Massimo Luongo - Ali Bongo.
He's magic, you know...Ali Bongo.

Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_15



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2018 2:36 pm Reply with quote
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My new holiday home has just been burnt down by Welsh Nationalists.
which came as a bit of a surprise , as its in Scotland :shock:

Some kind soul left a carrier bag in my front garden so I opened it up.
Well you learn something every day, I never knew Sainsburys sold dog turds . :?


Flavio Briatore Complete & utter Cu*t


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2018 11:07 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Walshy said to the vet, "I'd like you to have a look at my goldfish, I think it's got epilepsy." The vet said, "Well, it seems fine to me." Walshy said, "Wait a minute, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

Thought For The Day: Is The Isle of Dogs The Isle of Man's best friend??

John Beck - Gregory Peck.



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2018 3:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Just remembered to say, Thursday was the anniversary of Elvis's death, and that reminded me that I used to have a pet rat called Elvis. Sadly, he's dead, too....he was caught in a trap. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_13

Anyway, I've given up asking rhetorical questions....what's the point?

Angel Rangel - Brett Angel



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