Independent Rs
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The new, IMPROVED joke thread!
http://www.indyrs.co.uk/messageboard/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=21182
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Author:  steveqpr881 [ Thu Aug 16, 2018 12:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Well, Tuesday's joke certainly brought the lads good luck.
I expect to be appointed Official Team Morale Officer very soon.

Any way, a man walked into a shrink's office, wearing only a pair of clingfilm trousers. The shrink said, "I can clearly see your nuts." Eye thenk-yew.
And a bonus joke (I got thousands)-
I just quit my job in a helium factory.
I didn't like being spoken to in that tone.
I'm here all week.......

Massimo Luongo - Ali Bongo.
He's magic, you know...Ali Bongo.

Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_15

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Sat Aug 18, 2018 11:07 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Walshy said to the vet, "I'd like you to have a look at my goldfish, I think it's got epilepsy." The vet said, "Well, it seems fine to me." Walshy said, "Wait a minute, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

Thought For The Day: Is The Isle of Dogs The Isle of Man's best friend??

John Beck - Gregory Peck.

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Sat Aug 18, 2018 3:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Just remembered to say, Thursday was the anniversary of Elvis's death, and that reminded me that I used to have a pet rat called Elvis. Sadly, he's dead, too....he was caught in a trap. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_13

Anyway, I've given up asking rhetorical questions....what's the point?

Angel Rangel - Brett Angel

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Tue Aug 21, 2018 1:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Well, we certainly haven't had much to laugh about since Saturday afternoon....never mind, this'll put the smiles back on your faces.
Did you hear that so-called 'funniest joke of the Edinburgh fringe festival?'
It goes like this: Working in a Jobcentre is very tense, because even if you're sacked, you know you have to go in the next day. Edinburgh Fringe?
More like Edinburgh Cringe, IMO. I've got a thousand jokes better than that, and here are some of them.
I was caught pissing in the swimming pool today; when the lifeguard blew his whistle, I was so surprised, I fell in. And, Jamie Oliver made his gravy with nitrous oxide...that made him a laughing stock. I've got kleptomania...I must take something for it.
Walshy.......

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Thu Aug 23, 2018 1:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

It's that time of year again, when academic results are published.
I just took 4 A-Levels in Scandinavian pop;
I got A,B,B,A. 8)
And congrats to my niece, who did a degree in ballet & got a 2,2
(think about it....)
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11


Alan Wilkes - Acker Bilk (with a silent s )

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Fri Aug 24, 2018 10:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Keep 'em coming, Liam.
And today's Ribbed Tickler:
If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Walshy rang me last night, he said "I've run out of lightbulb jokes Steve, I'm a bit dim." I said, "You can have this one on me, walshy: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?" He said " I dunno." :?
I said, "Bananas." If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it's be Groundhog Day. D'you know what, if you laid every Tom Hanks dvd end-to-end, you'd be thrown out of the charity shop. :roll: If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Peter Hucker - Grange Hill's Tucker.
If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life, it'd be Groundhog Day.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11

Author:  liamoliam [ Fri Aug 24, 2018 8:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Sat Aug 25, 2018 3:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

There's no stopping Liam at the moment!
I was in a pub last night with a Scottish pal - let's call him JD.
I said, "Help us out with this crossword - 17a, stuck on a desert island with no means of escape, 8 letters." He said, "Marooned."
I said, "Cheers - I'll have a pint of best & a large whisky chaser."

Iain Dowie - David Bowie.

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Sat Aug 25, 2018 3:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

And a bonus joke, as it's a Bank Holiday:
The use of nitrous oxide for recreational purposes has been banned on the island of Ibiza, with a £1500 fine for users.
A police spokesman said, "This is no laughing matter."
Much like walshy's jokes.
Liam......

If I could only watch one film for the rest of my life...oh hang on-
Tony Currie - Pete Murray.

Author:  murf [ Mon Aug 27, 2018 12:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I hope the bastard that stole my antidepressants is feeling good about himself

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Tue Aug 28, 2018 1:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Hello, murf! Keep 'em coming, son....
And with The Pope in Ireland, here's a topical one:
Nothing says "I don't believe in God" more than a bullet-proof
Popemobile!

btw, I saw an article in yesterday's paper, about how Southgate Station (on the London Underground) was re-named Gareth Southgate during the World Cup. This made me wonder....what railway stations (not just on the underground) could be re-named after QPR players?
I'll start it off: (Ian) Holloway Road.
Anybody got any others??

Author:  liamoliam [ Tue Aug 28, 2018 11:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

My wife was away last weekend and she left had some washing to do so I decided to take a taxi to the launderette. The cabbie charged me £38. I feel as if I was taken to the cleaners!

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Thu Aug 30, 2018 11:46 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I fell asleep at a party last night, and some bastard put a teabag in my mouth. Wait til I find out who it was...no-one treats me like a mug. :evil:
Anyway, I just finished reading Chubby Checker's biography; there's a big twist at the end.

And another QPR railway station: (Peter) Crouch Hill.

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Fri Aug 31, 2018 12:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I've been seeing a shrink, he's cured me of my obsession with Phil Collins songs. You should see the difference it's made - just take a look at me now..

I went to my local train station, I asked for a ticket from Jermaine to Clarke.
The guy in the ticket booth said- You what?? Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_25
I said- Darlington to Carlisle.

Ron Hunt - James Blunt.

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Sat Sep 01, 2018 12:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I've deleted all the German contacts from my mobile; it's now Hans-free.
Some bloke in the pub last night offered me 8 legs of venison for £20,
but I reckon that was too dear. I've been reading Val Doonican's biography;
he was one of the few celebs who didn't want a personalised numberplate on his motor. :oops:

QPR/Underground station: (Alec)Stockwell.

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