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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2018 12:04 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've just been to a mate's funeral.
He died after drinking a bottle of varnish.
He had a nasty death, but a nice finish.

Then I had a call, to say my pet lobster's been playing up.
When I get home, he'll be in hot water.



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2018 6:46 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 504
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2018 1:05 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 322
I got really emotional at the petrol station this morning.

I don't know why, I just started filling up! :cry:


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2018 11:00 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A lot of people have texted me say, "Steve, you haven't really got a pet lobster?" Well, I have - would I lie to you?? In fact, I've got lots of exotic pets; for instance, I've got a pet cricket. He was looking a bit down the other day, so I told him- chirrup!



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PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2018 6:31 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I was very angry when I left my physio this morning. Someone rubbed me up the wrong way!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2018 2:58 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
The return of Liam!

I've always been a procrastinator, and today I bought a slow cooker.
Dinner should be ready in November.

And the return of celebrity rhyming slang:
Sir Bradley Wiggins - Christopher Biggins.
Walshy.....



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 01, 2018 2:09 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 322
Walker, Texas Ranger ...Stan Bowles Queens Park Ranger :P


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 3:34 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Blimey, is it nearly a week since a post on this thread?
Time for some more world-class, cutting-edge humour.
Here, then, is today's ribbed tickler.

Have you ever noticed how many Formula 1 drivers are named after places in Scotland? There's Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine & the legendary Brasilian, Ayr Town Centre.
Eye thenk-yew!
Walshy.....



Oh, and some more celeb rhyming slang: Harry Potter - Tarka the Otter.



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:51 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
And here's one I just nicked off Facebook:
I was walking through the White City when I saw 6 lads in QPR tops, playing football with a cat! I was going to call the RSPCA, but then the cat went 1 up!

Steve Russell - Darcy Bussell.



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2018 9:52 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I was sitting in a restaurant on my own when a nice young lady at the next table sneezed. To my surprise her glass eye flew out and bounced on the table but I managed to grab it before it fell to the floor. I returned the eye to the lady who was embarrassed and she said she wanted to make up for it. I said it wasn't necessary but she insisted on taking me out for dinner the following evening.

The next evening went very well and after dinner she asked me to walk her home which I did and she invited me in for a drink. One thing led to another and I stayed the night. She made me breakfast the following morning. I thanked her for a great evening and I asked her if she had a habit of taking strangers home and giving them such a good time. She said definitely not she only does it for men who catch her eye! :shock:


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:08 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 322
"Formed in 1977 in Coventry, England, they are an English 2tone ska revival band whose music combines a steady rock beat with punk attitude. Jerry Dammers and his bandmates achieved fame and notoriety with classics like "Ghost town" and "Too much too young".
"Well that's true", I said to the waiter, "But it's not what I meant when I asked you to tell me about The Specials"... :shock:


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:11 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Speaking of The Specials, walshy - and this is a true story - I once went to see them at Poole Arts Centre. Before the gig, Jerry Dammers turned up at the front door, but the bouncer wouldn't let him in, as he didn't have a ticket! :roll: I said, "You'd better let him in, or there won't be a gig - he's the lead singer." My small part in 2 Tone history.

Anyway, I hear that over-priced department store chain House of Fraser has gone into administration. A spokesman said, "We're doomed...doomed."
Private Fraser, out of Dad's Army - geddit??



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PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2018 3:08 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Speaking of House of Fraser, I see they've been taken over by that twat Mike Ashley from Sports Direct; so now they really are doomed.

Anyway, I've had to shut down my poultry dating website;
I couldn't make hens meet.

Alec Stock - Kid Rock.



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 2:48 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I had 2 crew-cut Yanks in suits on the doorstep last night, talking to me about the virtues of brown bread. Bloody Hovis Witnesses. :roll:


Bill Murray - Tony Curry.



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 5:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
And as we're playing tonight, here's a bonus joke to hopefully bring us good luck. I was walking through the local cemetery late last night, when 2 young girls asked me if I'd escort them out; they said that being in there in the dark made them feel frightened. I said, "Sure - I used to feel like that too, when I was alive." Never seen anyone move so fast. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_24


Roy Wegerle - Phil Everley.



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