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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2020 12:14 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3440Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A woman walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one. :oops:

Talking about drink, I'm addicted to brake fluid.
But I can stop any time.
:P



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PostPosted: Sun Oct 25, 2020 2:27 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 530
"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 26, 2020 10:16 am Reply with quote
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Last night I had a dream & I was spouting large chunks of dialogue from The Hobbit and Lord of The Rings; yes, I was (all together now) Tolkien in my sleep.

Two antennae on a roof fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant!



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PostPosted: Mon Oct 26, 2020 1:15 pm Reply with quote
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Here's a little bonus for you I just nicked off Facebook - er, made up.
I don't know much about Formula 1, but they keep talking about Lewis Hamilton's 90-second win.....phew, that's fast!



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PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2020 2:36 pm Reply with quote
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I've started a meat delivery company, using a drone.
It's quite a gamble - the stakes are high.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_04



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PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2020 10:15 am Reply with quote
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Sorry I haven't posted for a few days, mirth fans, but my account was hacked in to. It's my own fault, I suppose, for using "beef stew" as a password. It's just not stroganoff. :?

Anyway, any Marvel fans out there? I just heard on the news, actor Tom Hollander who plays Spiderman is off to Hollywood to make the film in the franchise. It's been so long coming, he's been climbing the wall.... :lol:



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PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2020 11:26 am Reply with quote
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Speaking of walls....I've just been sacked from my job removing graffiti.
But I shouldn't be surprised - the writing's been on the wall for ages.



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PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2020 3:20 am Reply with quote
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A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."
The guy looks around again. Nobody.
He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2020 1:09 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3440Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm reading a biography about Yul Brynner at the moment.
I never knew he was a Liverpool fan; also, hated using aftershave.
That's where their song came from - "Yul never wore cologne."
Eye thenk-yew!



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PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2020 1:37 pm Reply with quote
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Right, mirth fans, I'm having a bit of a clear-out to make room for the jokes in tomorrow's Tony Blackburn Show, so empty your colostomy bags, you have been warned!

I've joined the R.A.F. - hopefully, my career will be taking off.

I'm entering the World's Tightest Hat competition - I hope I can pull it off.

Everyone's heard of Karl Marx, but nobody remembers his sister Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Wed Nov 11, 2020 5:52 pm Reply with quote
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The world tongue-twisting champ has been arrested.
I bet they give him a really tough sentence. :?

My nickname at school was scarface. I was brill at knitting. :)

I've never eaten vegetables in my life, but in honour of John Lennon - who would've been 80 last week, if he'd lived - I thought I'd give peas a chance.



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PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2020 1:30 am Reply with quote
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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counselling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went and listed every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
Her husband had no time for her, there was a lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, and she felt unloved and neglected.
Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, ”This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.”


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 13, 2020 12:49 pm Reply with quote
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I had mushrooms on toast this morning - the breakfast of champignons.

I told Dubliner that Christmas Day falls on a Friday this year;
he said, "I hope it's not the 13th!" :roll:

They're having trouble organising the Devon & Cornwall rock festival.
They can't decide whether to put The Jam on first, or Cream.



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PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2020 12:46 pm Reply with quote
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Newsflash - Donald Trump has just won the 51st State - the state of denial. :P

Anybody want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure.... :D

I can't understand why my calculator's stopped working -
it just doesn't add up.
:?



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PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2020 4:58 pm Reply with quote
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Here's one fresh off the internet-
Lone Ranger: Can you think of anything worse than being scalped?
Tonto: Not off the top of my head.
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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