Author Message

INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Post new topic  Reply to topic

PostPosted: Thu Oct 01, 2020 10:51 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went to see my GP, I said "Doctor I just cant believe anything I hear."
He said, "Take these ear drops, they're antisceptic." :roll:

Now that the colleges have re-opened, I've enrolled on a course to study Helium. People on the last intake spoke very highly of it.
:P :P



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2020 1:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
This one's fresh off this morning's Tony Blackburn Show
(if that isn't an oxymoron)
I saw a poster advertising a talk on reincarnation.
At first, I wasn't too keen - then I thought, well you only live once.
:lol:



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Sun Oct 04, 2020 6:57 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Unfortunately I recently spent a couple of days in hospital. A doctor came to my room and was checking through my notes before discharging me. She reached into her pocket and took out a rectal thermometer! I asked her if there was anything wrong. She said "no. I am just thinking that some ar*ehole has got my pen!"


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2020 10:20 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
steveqpr881 wrote:

I saw a poster advertising a talk on reincarnation.
At first, I wasn't too keen - then I thought, well you only live once.


Saw another poster, it said, "Psychic Fayre - cancelled, due to unforeseen circumstances." :oops:

So, the London Marathon took place yesterday.
I used to get through plenty of Marathons.
Til they changed the name to Snickers. :roll:

Q: What's pink & very hard in the morning?
A: The Financial Times crossword.
Eye thenk-yew!



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Tue Oct 06, 2020 11:00 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've just been assaulted by a bank clerk.
I went into my local branch & asked if he could check my balance.
So he pushed me over. :roll:




_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2020 10:46 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Watched a documentary about Mahatma Gandhi last night - fascinating stuff.
He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him hard skin on the soles of his feet. He also ate frugally which made him frail and, with his odd diet, gave him bad breath. This all made him a (wait for it, wait for it)
super calloused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2020 10:37 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Speaking of Gandhi, I liked Elton John's tribute song: Sandals in the Bin.

Anyway, empty your colostomy bags & strap yourselves in, mirth fans, you're in for an extravaganza today - courtesy of a jokes overload on Saturday's Tony Blackburn Show. Don't say you weren't warned! Here we go.....I've deleted all the Scandinavian & German contacts from my mobile. Now it's Hans-free. I've just been sacked from my job as a mime artiste - apparently, it was something I said. I asked the bloke in the hardware shop, "Is this fly spray any good for wasps?" He said, "No - it kills them."
A man has been found guilty of using too many commas. The judge warned him to expect a long sentence. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
That's all for now...….



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2020 12:42 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I was at a fancy-dress party, and a bloke walked in wearing ordinary clothes and with a girl on his back. I asked him what he was meant to be & said "A turtle - this is Michelle." :o

Went to a new cannibal-themed restaurant It's a bit pricey - £25 a head.
:shock:



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:17 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
The police stopped a car, because they saw there were 4 penguins in the back! So they told the driver to take them to the zoo. "OK," he said and drove off. The next day, they saw the same car, still with 4 penguins in the back, only this time they've got sunglasses on. So they stop the car & say to the driver, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday." He said, "I did - now I'm taking them to the beach." :P



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Oct 19, 2020 10:12 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
2 robbers were in court for stealing a calendar. They got 6months each. :roll:

I tried to put a team together for the Hide & Seek Championship, but it no use - good players are hard to find. :P




_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2020 12:11 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2020 9:39 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Somebody robbed me of £2,000, and I'm not feeling too grand at the moment.

I took my chameleon to the vet because he stopped changing colour. The vet said it was a case of reptile disfunction.



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2020 1:59 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm giving up drinking until this is all over.
Sorry guys, bad punctuation -
I'm giving up; drinking until this is all over.
That's more like it.
:D



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2020 3:25 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2020 4:27 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I can't believe the word 'Gullible' is being removed from the Oxford English Dictionary. :o



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile

Display posts from previous:  Sort by:

All times are UTC [ DST ]
Page 19 of 19
285 posts
Go to page Previous  1 ... 15, 16, 17, 18, 19
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest
Search for:
Post new topic  Reply to topic
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum