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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2020 11:17 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 579
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:28 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3633Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I bought the David Attenborough Joke Book the other day, here are some crackers from it:
I thought swimming with dolphins was expensive, til I went swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg.
I'm a bit nervous at the moment, I'm being followed by a large wading bird. I think I'm being storked.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In an archive (ark hive, geddit?)

Anyway, the new lockdown rules came into force in England yesterday - people can only meet in groups of 6. One of them isn't Happy.
:roll:



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2020 1:17 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3633Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I saw my GP - I said I was worried because I kept singing Black Sabbath Songs. He said I shouldn't get Paranoid. :?

There's a new quiz show, instead of big prizes, the winner gets set in business as a hat-maker. It's called Who Wants To Be A Milliner.

Here is a travel news-flash: the M1 is blocked, by a shed lorry load of ladders. The police are taking steps to clear it.



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PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2020 1:04 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3633Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went to a restaurant last night.
The manager said, "Do you mind waiting a bit?"
I said,"No, that's OK."
He said, "Alright, take these drinks to table 7."

Just got one of those nuisance texts.
It said, "Congratulations, you have won a choice of prizes. Either £100 cash, or tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show."



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2020 2:10 pm Reply with quote
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Overheard 2 blokes talking, one said "I met this really fit girl last night, so I asked her back to my place for a game of cards." 2nd bloke: "Poker?" 1st bloke: "No, we just had a bit of a snog." Eye thenk-yew!



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2020 5:22 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 579
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, and then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2020 12:13 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3633Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Bumped into an old friend I hadn't seen for years, and his son Juan.
He told me Juan had a brother, Amal, who I've never met.
Still, you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

The police knocked on my door last night, they said my dog had chased a man on a bike. I said it couldn't be my dog - he cant ride a bike!



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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2020 10:22 pm Reply with quote
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Dubliner said he was in Specsavers yesterday.

You wouldn't beleive who he bumped into?

Everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 01, 2020 10:51 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3633Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went to see my GP, I said "Doctor I just cant believe anything I hear."
He said, "Take these ear drops, they're antisceptic." :roll:

Now that the colleges have re-opened, I've enrolled on a course to study Helium. People on the last intake spoke very highly of it.
:P :P



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PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2020 1:33 pm Reply with quote
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This one's fresh off this morning's Tony Blackburn Show
(if that isn't an oxymoron)
I saw a poster advertising a talk on reincarnation.
At first, I wasn't too keen - then I thought, well you only live once.
:lol:



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PostPosted: Sun Oct 04, 2020 6:57 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Unfortunately I recently spent a couple of days in hospital. A doctor came to my room and was checking through my notes before discharging me. She reached into her pocket and took out a rectal thermometer! I asked her if there was anything wrong. She said "no. I am just thinking that some ar*ehole has got my pen!"


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2020 10:46 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3633Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Watched a documentary about Mahatma Gandhi last night - fascinating stuff.
He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him hard skin on the soles of his feet. He also ate frugally which made him frail and, with his odd diet, gave him bad breath. This all made him a (wait for it, wait for it)
super calloused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2020 10:37 am Reply with quote
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Speaking of Gandhi, I liked Elton John's tribute song: Sandals in the Bin.

Anyway, empty your colostomy bags & strap yourselves in, mirth fans, you're in for an extravaganza today - courtesy of a jokes overload on Saturday's Tony Blackburn Show. Don't say you weren't warned! Here we go.....I've deleted all the Scandinavian & German contacts from my mobile. Now it's Hans-free. I've just been sacked from my job as a mime artiste - apparently, it was something I said. I asked the bloke in the hardware shop, "Is this fly spray any good for wasps?" He said, "No - it kills them."
A man has been found guilty of using too many commas. The judge warned him to expect a long sentence. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
That's all for now...….



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PostPosted: Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:17 pm Reply with quote
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The police stopped a car, because they saw there were 4 penguins in the back! So they told the driver to take them to the zoo. "OK," he said and drove off. The next day, they saw the same car, still with 4 penguins in the back, only this time they've got sunglasses on. So they stop the car & say to the driver, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday." He said, "I did - now I'm taking them to the beach." :P



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PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2020 12:11 am Reply with quote
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."


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