Author Message

INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Post new topic  Reply to topic

PostPosted: Wed Jul 22, 2020 12:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it'd make him go faster;
but if anything, it just made him sluggish.

There's a new word in the English language; punnet. It's the collective noun for a group of people sitting down for a Zoom conference - a as in, a
punnet of sat zoomers.

I knocked myself out sleepwalking - somebody called a somnambulance.



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Thu Jul 23, 2020 11:04 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
A man makes his way to his seat at Wembley. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone is sitting there.
He responds, "No, the seat's empty."
"The first man exclaims, "What? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final and not use it?"
The neighbour responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first FA cup Final we haven't been together."
The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that, wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"
The neighbour responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2020 10:53 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
Yesterday is ashes; tomorrow wood. Only today does the fire burn brightly.

You never really know your friends from your enemies until the ice breaks.

He that boasts of his own knowledge proclaims his ignorance.

If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:42 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Very wise, grasshopper.
(He's been at the fortune cookies again, I see.)
Here's another one: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. :oops:

Anyway, the wife to me, she said "You never buy me flowers."
I said, "I never knew you sold 'em."

That reminds of our wedding. It was a very emotional day. The wife was crying, her mother was crying.....even the cake was in tiers.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith. An hour after I got him home, he was making a bolt for the door.





_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Jul 31, 2020 10:15 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
"I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"

"I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."

"Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"

"I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Aug 03, 2020 10:49 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Ever since lockdown started, I've been doing a lot of on-line shopping.
I ordered a Dave Clark Five record online, but it must've broken in transit;when it arrived it was in Bits and Pieces.
I've ordered some meat from an online German butcher; the pumpernickel's arrived but the wurst is yet to come.
But my biggest internet purchase was a horse. Trouble is, she only comes out after dark. She's a night mare.
Esther......



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2020 2:06 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Right, here's a good 'un, and it's topical; cribbed off of the Internet.
Q: Which bus takes you from Hounslow to Wembley and back?
A: The Brentford team bus !
:lol: :lol: :lol:



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Thu Aug 06, 2020 5:21 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 310Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Just back from the optician. I am told I now have clour blindness. I was shocked. It came as a bolt out of the purple.


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2020 11:45 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.
Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Wed Aug 12, 2020 11:06 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
steveqpr881 wrote:

I've ordered some meat from an online German butcher; the pumpernickel's arrived but the wurst is yet to come.
But my biggest internet purchase was a horse. Trouble is, she only comes out after dark. She's a night mare.


Well, the meat finally arrived - but the horse ate it.
It was my wurst nightmare!

The wife said it was the Rangers, or her....I do miss her some times...

Civil servants have wasted £150million on dodgy masks that are no good.
I don't know how they can show their faces in public!
(Have you been mis-sold PPE?) :oops:

Chelsea fans - fancy a holiday in Europe?
You cant beat Munich!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile

Display posts from previous:  Sort by:

All times are UTC [ DST ]
Page 18 of 18
265 posts
Go to page Previous  1 ... 14, 15, 16, 17, 18
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests
Search for:
Post new topic  Reply to topic
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum