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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 12:23 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
As Farmer Brown approached his neighbour’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown shouted.
Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”

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A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 12:56 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
Dubliner’s wife noticed him standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 2:20 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 549Location: It's in the Name
One of the guys in work pulled out a photo of his girlfriend and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”



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PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2019 1:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3489Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Christmas is a-coming, so it's time once more to open.......
(ominous music)
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.

This is fresh off of this morning's Tony Blackburn show -
jokes don't come more up to date than that.

I just bought a new Motown wardrobe.
It's not very big...just enough room for Four Tops.
And the follow-up:
I've got a Motown fridge.
It's full of Temptations.



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PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2019 7:15 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3489Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Couple of days' worth of doors to open......
stand by for a festival of fun.........

Boeing have announced they plan to introduce an invisible airliner.
I can't see it taking off.

My granddad always used to say - one door opens, and another door closes.
Nice guy, terrible cabinet maker.

The wife's complained about all the CCTV cameras I've installed in the house
I can see where she's coming from.


And the posh bird from the Ferrerro Rocher ad says-
"M'sieu, wiz all zese top jokes, you are really spoiling us."



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PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:09 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Just opened up a Christmas card delivered today and some rice fell out. i think it was from Uncle Ben.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2019 4:01 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3489Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I got home last night & all the windows were open, and all my stuff was gone. Some bastard had been at my advent calendar. :|



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PostPosted: Sat Dec 14, 2019 1:47 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3489Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Time once more to open the daily door on.........
The Advent Calendar of Doom (cue creaky door opening)

I told a sexist joke on Facebook, and now the radical feminists know where I live......luckily, none of them can read a map.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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