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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2020 11:17 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3350Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Q: What's the difference between a dirty coach depot and a large-breasted crab?
A: One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.

I watched a dodgy DVD of the Queen film, Bohemian Rhapsody, but it must have been shot in the cinema, because all I could see was a little silhouetto of a man....

And finally, Ronnie;
Why did Shakespeare write his plays with a pen?
Because he could never decide which pencil to use - 2B, or not 2B.



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 2:24 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3350Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Velcro....what a rip-off.

A cowboy goes into a German car salesroom and says, "Audi."

How does a plumber finish with his girlfriend?
He says It's over, Flo.



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2020 10:54 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
If a man speaks in the middle of a forest and there are no women there to hear him, is he still wrong?

I had to chase a mugger who stole my wallet.
He gave me a run for my money.

A plumber goes to a psychic and before he can say anything she says,
"I can see great wealth in your future. "
"You could be right, " he said, "I'm here to fix your heating. "

By the way, the guy who invented hand sanitizer must rubbing his hands.



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PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2020 10:23 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3350Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Right-oh boys & girls, I've had a brilliant idea.
You know this old soldier who's raising money for the NHS - Colonel Tom?
No, that was Elvis's manager; Major Tom, that's it.
Anyway, he's doing laps of his back yard, and so far he's raised literally hundreds of quid on the Interweb.
The Queen should make him a General, no 2 ways about it.
Well that made me think.....what if I did the same with this thread; you lot sponsor me for every joke. All proceeds to the NHS (Next Holiday Scheme).
So here goes....I tell a joke & you lot donate here:
#JustGiving SteveaNiceLittleEarner

Q: Why are the Chinese no good at cricket?
A: Because they eat all the bats.

Geddit?? Get donating NOW



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PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2020 1:42 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3350Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Those ££££s haven't exactly rolled in so far, people, so here's a few more little ribbed ticklers to encourage you to get donating:

Q: What do you call a cowboy with no money?
A: Skint Eastwood (or Giann* Pala*dini if you like)

I once had dinner with the chess grandmaster, Gary Kasparov, but it was a disaster. The tablecloth was made of gingham, and it took him ages to pass the salt.

And finally, Ronnie.......what's another name for Thesaurus??




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PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2020 9:05 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 511
A man walks into a bar & orders 3 large whiskies.The barman pours them, puts them down & the man knocks them all down in one.
The barman says, "Wow, you make short work of them."
The man says, "So would you, if you had what I've got."
"What's that?" asks the barman.
The man says "fifty p."

In a school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching."
Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2020 1:18 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
When I see a field of wild flowers I can't resist skipping through it.
I have a gambolling problem.


If Domestos had got their shit together and created a bleach that actually killed 100% of germs, maybe we wouldn't be so worried about this Coronavirus.


I was offered sex with a really attractive woman today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2020 2:01 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3350Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Now you all know me, I'm not one to complain.
But I have to say, the sum raised so far is a bit low.
In fact, in round figures, it's er...... £0
So here's some more ribbed ticklers to get you donating.


What's yellow and stupid?
Thick custard.

A penguin walks into a bar and says, "Has my brother been in?"
The barman says, "I dunno - what does he look like?"

My wife's left me because I'm too insecure..... oh hang on, here she is, she was just making a cuppa.



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PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2020 10:59 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3350Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
One-armed waiters....they can dish it out, but they cant take it.



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PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2020 2:44 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3350Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've had lots of emails from Rs fans, worried about the pandemic & I know you all see me as a sort of agony uncle ("Your jokes are certainly agony, Steve" - anon.) So I've decided to run a regular Coronavirus Q&A -
your FAQs, if you will. Strict anonymity is guaranteed. Here are the first couple of questions:

Dear Steve, In this lockdown, is it safe to go fishing if it's in a remote location?
Well JOHN22, That could open up a whole can of worms.

Dear Steve, I'm a locksmith....does that make me a key worker?
No, afraid not, Dubliner.
:roll:

That's all for now, keep 'em coming....



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PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2020 5:59 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
For the first time in my life I was nearly in a threesome last night.

All I needed was another two.


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PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2020 12:45 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 511
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened.
The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group.
God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.
When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."


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PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2020 12:10 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3350Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Today's Covid FAQ comes from a Mr. S.Russell (who asked to remain anonymous). He says, "Since I've been in lockdown I've had to cook all my own meals. But all I ever do is heat stuff in a wok, while moving it around with a spatula; what's wrong with me??"
Well Steve, the simple answer is - you've gone stir fry crazy.

The wife's been getting a bit bored during lockdown, so I said after it's all over we'll have a nice holiday - anywhere you like. I pinned a map of the world up on the kitchen wall, gave her a dart & said throw it, and wherever it lands is where we'll go. So we'll be spending 2 weeks behind the fridge.

The Flat Earth Society are worried that all the stress will send some people over the edge (think about it.....)

And finally, Ronnie:
I went on a virtual trip around the local zoo. There were 2 baguettes in one cage, a bagel in another, and a French stick in the third. I asked the zookeeper what it was all about, and he said (wait for it) they were all bread in captivity. Eye thenk-yew!!



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PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2020 7:10 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 511
Dubliner went to the doctor with two burnt ears.

Doctor said, “What happened?

Dubliner said, “The phone rang and I accidentally picked up the iron.”

Doctor said, what about the other ear?

Dubliner said, “They called back!”


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PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2020 11:51 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3350Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Liam's OK with working from home; he builds yachts, and sails are going through the roof.
On the other hand, Dubliner's food blender company has gone into liquidation.

And today's Lockdown Interesting Fact:
The word quarantine comes from the 15th century, when bubonic plague was sweeping Europe. The Venetian Senate began demanding that all foreign ships wait "quaranta giorni," meaning 40 days, as the plague had a 40-day period from infection to death.



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