Reading a post about ex-player Leslie Locke reminded me that I'm quite handy at picking locks. It's opened so many doors for me.

I was adopted as a child, and both my parents drank a lot of lager.
You might say I was Fostered.

I said to my shrink, "Doctor, I'm obsessed with Twitter."
He said, "I'm sorry - I don't follow you."

Well, that's all the jokes I can remember from this morning's Tony Blackburn Show, so over to JOHN22........

I went to the library this morning. I asked if they had any books on shelving. The Librarian replied "yes - all of them"

Talking about books, I'm reading one about anti-gravity.
It's so good, I can't put it down.

Flavio saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."

With that Flavio dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen" said Flavio.

So the wife said to me : 'Can my mother come down for Easter ?'

I said: 'Why?'

And she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof for two weeks now!!

Little boy comes home from school, all excited & tells his Dad, "I've just been picked for a part in the school play. I'm gonna be a man who's been married for 25 years."
Dad says, "Well done, son - maybe next time you'll get a speaking role."

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: 'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Syrian Border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Syrian boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast."

Send him back!

A pub called The Clitoris has closed after just 2 weeks' trading.
Seems very few men could find it.

A friend of mine asked me, "What's the difference between ignorance & indifference?" I said, "I don't know, and I don't care."

Right, mirth-lovers, it's Saturday, and you know what that means.
Yes, I recycle all the top jokes from this morning's Tony Blackburn show on Radio 2.

My pet tortoise is a bit of a recluse.....I cant get him to come out of his shell.
No? How about this one then-
A local shoe shop had so much stuff nicked, they installed CCTV.
Police want to see the footage.
I walked into a music shop, I said "What have you got by The Doors?"
The bloke said, "A bucket of sand & a fire extinguisher."
When I was growing up, local kids used to pelt me with cake, cherries and cream. It sure was tough in the gateau.

I don't know the Roman numerals for 1, 1000, 51, 6 & 500.
I'm LIVID.

I'm tempted to have plastic surgery, to give me a new penis.
But I'm worried it might make me too cocky.

And today's top tip:
Take advantage of Storm Dennis & get rid of your old junk, by throwing it into the neighbour's garden.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:Always keep your condoms in the car!

Sorry I haven't been on for a while, but on Tuesday, I was shot 200 times, with an upholstery gun. But I'm now fully recovered.

A man was being examined by his GP & the doc saw he was covered in bruises. He asked what happened, and the patient said he likes to lie alongside the road and let people ride their bikes over him. The doctor said he's showing signs of becoming a cycle path.

Well, that's it for now but I'll be back tomorrow with the pick of the Tony Blackburn Show's jokes.....bet you can hardly wait

Well, today's Tony Blackburn Show was a bit of a let-down for jokes, there was only one worth telling (?) & it goes like this:
Q: What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal pit?
A: A flat miner.