The police rang me today to tell me they had recovered my stolen sofa. That was nice of them. It was beginning to look scruffy.

One frosty morning last winter John22 texted me "Windows frozen!"
I texted him back: "what’s the big deal just our some warm water over it."
A few minutes later he texted me again: "Computer really shagged now“


A brave shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber yesterday with her labelling gun.
Police say the man they’re looking for has a price on his head.


A wooly jumper I bought online was picking up static electricity, so I sent it back. They sent me another one, free of charge.

Two Irish couples decided to swop partners for the night.
After 3 hrs of amazing sex,
Paddy said, “I wonder how the girls are getting on?”

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Paddy wanted to sell his car and his mate told him to wind back the clock and he would get a beeter price for it.
His mate saw him a few days later and asked him how he got on. Paddy said when he finished winding the clock back it only had 7,000 miles on it so he decided to keep it!

The police stopped Paddy last night and asked him where he was between 6 and 11. Paddy replied "Primary School"

A man has trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
It didn't take him long - he went from Barking to Tooting in less than an hour.

Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress

A man's heart beats quicker

His throat gets dry

He gets weak in the knees

And he begins to think irrationally

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag!

Since he was put on furlough, JOHN22 decided to keep fit by walking 5 miles a day. He started 7 weeks ago, and now he has no idea where he is.
Dubliner, on the other hand, started to insulate the roof of his house but he's lost enthusiasm lately; he's lagging a bit.
Liam's Norwegian cruise was cancelled & it was a blessing in disguise; he couldn't really fjord it.

Forty gypsies arrived at Heavens gates.
St Peter said we’ve only got room for twelve, so decide amongst yourselves who’s coming in
5 minutes later St. Peter said to God…there gone!
God said, “all forty of them?”

St Peter said, “No, the fu**ing gates!!
---------------------------------------------------------

Dubliner, came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing!

I'm afraid this weekend's Tony Blackburn show was a bit thin on jokes, so I've had to fall back on my reserve. And here it is.
I saw a bloke in Tesco buying up all the crabs, whelks, cockles, lobsters etc.
I thought - that's a bit shellfish.

The Coronavirus has really taken it's toll on businesses here.
The kennels has had to call in the retrievers, the local branch of Dyno Rod has gone down the drain and the ice cream seller was found dead, his head covered in raspberry sauce, a flake and hundreds & thousands; he couldn't take any more, he topped himself.

I made a curry last night & put Ginger in it. That made the wife & kids cry.....they loved that cat.
Oxygen and magnesium.......OMG.
I passed a car with a sticker in the window that said, "I'm a vet, so I drive like an animal." I thought, there must be a lot of gynaecologists on the roads.
That's it for now, mirth fans, I'll be back on Monday with the cream of tomorrow's Tony Blackburn Show.......

For golfers

We know that a Sally Gunnel shot is an ugly runner
A Douglas Bader is a ball that bounces across water

Now we have a Dominic Cummings shot:

Long drive, out of bounds, with no penalty.

The Seven Dwarfs have been told that from Monday they can meet in groups of six.
One of them isn't Happy!

I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year.
Now i'm dealing with emotional baggage.

This morning at the post office, while i was in line, two people with masks entered.
TOTAL PANIC!
Then they said, "This is a robbery".......and we all calmed down.......

Liam, sorry to be pedantic, but Douglas Bader wasn't one of The Dambusters....wouldn't Guy Gibson be more appropriate? Just don't mention his dog.

Now, I've shocking news for you....I've been ripped off - by Tony Blackburn, no less!!
There I was, sat down for breakfast Saturday morning, cuppa in one hand, pen in the other, waiting to jot down his best offerings (although the quality's been very poor of late) when what should I hear but my "dog playing the trumpet on the underground" joke. Needless to say, it was the funniest joke on the show, but here's the rub - Tone never gave me no credit for it. Now that, in my book, is plagiarism. Acknowledge your sauce, that is paying homage; pass it off as your own, that is a rip-off. OK, I've been using Tony's stuff for years - decades, in fact - it's high time he had one back. Fair enough - he could've given me the credit, that's all I'm saying. "I got this ribbed tickler from comedy genius Steve Masters" or something like that - wouldn't have hurt him, would it?

Any way, rant over, here's the pick of the TB Show jokes;
I went to a Chinese restaurant, but my meal was spoilt by a bird that kept looking at me from behind a door. I mentioned it to the waiter, but he said, "Ignore it - it's just a Peking duck."

A friend of mine won Dentist of the Year. But all he got was a little plaque.