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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2020 2:44 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've had lots of emails from Rs fans, worried about the pandemic & I know you all see me as a sort of agony uncle ("Your jokes are certainly agony, Steve" - anon.) So I've decided to run a regular Coronavirus Q&A -
your FAQs, if you will. Strict anonymity is guaranteed. Here are the first couple of questions:

Dear Steve, In this lockdown, is it safe to go fishing if it's in a remote location?
Well JOHN22, That could open up a whole can of worms.

Dear Steve, I'm a locksmith....does that make me a key worker?
No, afraid not, Dubliner.
:roll:

That's all for now, keep 'em coming....



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PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2020 5:59 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
For the first time in my life I was nearly in a threesome last night.

All I needed was another two.


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PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2020 12:45 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened.
The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group.
God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.
When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."


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PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2020 12:10 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Today's Covid FAQ comes from a Mr. S.Russell (who asked to remain anonymous). He says, "Since I've been in lockdown I've had to cook all my own meals. But all I ever do is heat stuff in a wok, while moving it around with a spatula; what's wrong with me??"
Well Steve, the simple answer is - you've gone stir fry crazy.

The wife's been getting a bit bored during lockdown, so I said after it's all over we'll have a nice holiday - anywhere you like. I pinned a map of the world up on the kitchen wall, gave her a dart & said throw it, and wherever it lands is where we'll go. So we'll be spending 2 weeks behind the fridge.

The Flat Earth Society are worried that all the stress will send some people over the edge (think about it.....)

And finally, Ronnie:
I went on a virtual trip around the local zoo. There were 2 baguettes in one cage, a bagel in another, and a French stick in the third. I asked the zookeeper what it was all about, and he said (wait for it) they were all bread in captivity. Eye thenk-yew!!



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PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2020 7:10 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
Dubliner went to the doctor with two burnt ears.

Doctor said, “What happened?

Dubliner said, “The phone rang and I accidentally picked up the iron.”

Doctor said, what about the other ear?

Dubliner said, “They called back!”


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PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2020 11:51 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Liam's OK with working from home; he builds yachts, and sails are going through the roof.
On the other hand, Dubliner's food blender company has gone into liquidation.

And today's Lockdown Interesting Fact:
The word quarantine comes from the 15th century, when bubonic plague was sweeping Europe. The Venetian Senate began demanding that all foreign ships wait "quaranta giorni," meaning 40 days, as the plague had a 40-day period from infection to death.



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PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2020 10:05 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 535Location: It's in the Name
One frosty morning last winter John22 texted me "Windows frozen!"
I texted him back: "what’s the big deal just our some warm water over it."
A few minutes later he texted me again: "Computer really shagged now“


A brave shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber yesterday with her labelling gun.
Police say the man they’re looking for has a price on his head.


A wooly jumper I bought online was picking up static electricity, so I sent it back. They sent me another one, free of charge.



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PostPosted: Wed May 20, 2020 12:23 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
Two Irish couples decided to swop partners for the night.
After 3 hrs of amazing sex,
Paddy said, “I wonder how the girls are getting on?”

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."


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PostPosted: Sun May 24, 2020 11:10 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
The police stopped Paddy last night and asked him where he was between 6 and 11. Paddy replied "Primary School"


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PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2020 3:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A man has trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
It didn't take him long - he went from Barking to Tooting in less than an hour.



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PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2020 1:34 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress

A man's heart beats quicker

His throat gets dry

He gets weak in the knees

And he begins to think irrationally

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag!


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PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2020 12:37 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Since he was put on furlough, JOHN22 decided to keep fit by walking 5 miles a day. He started 7 weeks ago, and now he has no idea where he is.
Dubliner, on the other hand, started to insulate the roof of his house but he's lost enthusiasm lately; he's lagging a bit.
Liam's Norwegian cruise was cancelled & it was a blessing in disguise; he couldn't really fjord it.



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PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2020 2:05 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
Forty gypsies arrived at Heavens gates.
St Peter said we’ve only got room for twelve, so decide amongst yourselves who’s coming in
5 minutes later St. Peter said to God…there gone!
God said, “all forty of them?”

St Peter said, “No, the fu**ing gates!!
---------------------------------------------------------

Dubliner, came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing!


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 03, 2020 3:39 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
The Coronavirus has really taken it's toll on businesses here.
The kennels has had to call in the retrievers, the local branch of Dyno Rod has gone down the drain and the ice cream seller was found dead, his head covered in raspberry sauce, a flake and hundreds & thousands; he couldn't take any more, he topped himself.



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 05, 2020 1:02 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I made a curry last night & put Ginger in it. That made the wife & kids cry.....they loved that cat.
Oxygen and magnesium.......OMG.
I passed a car with a sticker in the window that said, "I'm a vet, so I drive like an animal." I thought, there must be a lot of gynaecologists on the roads.
That's it for now, mirth fans, I'll be back on Monday with the cream of tomorrow's Tony Blackburn Show.......



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