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PostPosted: Sat Jun 01, 2019 11:20 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I am indebted - as the late, great Cyril Fletcher used to say on That's Life - to our very own Andy Wardle, who posted this gem on Facebook.
(if I acknowledge my 'sauce,' it's not plagiarism!)
Q: How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Too.
Esther.....



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 03, 2019 11:18 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
BAD TASTE ALERT - NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED:
I was in the toilet on a train, and the guard knocked on the door.
"Ticket, please."
I replied, "I'm having a dump."
He said, "OK - pass it under the door."
I said, "Here it comes - the yellow bits are sweetcorn." :oops:

When I got off the train, I went to a Psychic Fair. All the clairvoyants were either angry or miserable; there was no happy medium. :P

Liam rang me last night, he said "Steve, if I win the Laziness Award, will you pick it up for me?"
:roll:



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 06, 2019 1:22 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I was having a drink with old friend last night, he told me he's going out with twins! I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart, and he said
"No, Sally's the short one, and Barry's got a beard."
:oops:



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 07, 2019 12:48 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Walshy, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you invent Tippex?

I wouldn't say suppositories are my favourite medicine......
but they're right up there.
:oops:



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PostPosted: Sat Jun 08, 2019 12:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm a big fan of actor Warwick Davis, but he really needs to play some more diverse roles; every film I've seen him in, he's played a dwarf. :oops:

I was driving around & around the car park this morning; couldn't find a spot for the life of me. So I prayed, I said "Find me a parking spot Lord & I'll mend my ways." All of a sudden, the clouds parted & a ray of sunlight shone down on an empty spot. I said, "Don't bother, Lord - I've found one!"



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 1:41 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Just heard a great new CD, "Music For Limbo Dancing."
By Gary Barlow.
That might be a little subtle for you, try this:-

A friend's trying to get me to invest in old Egyptian monuments-
but it sounds like pyramid selling to me.

I was in a restaurant last night, I said "How long will my spaghetti be?"
The waiter said, "I don't know - we don't measure it."



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 3:42 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I went to a wedding at the weekend.

I said to the bloke next to me "The bride is very ugly".

"Do you mind" came the reply "she happens to be my daughter!"

"Very sorry " I say "I didn't realise you were her father"

"I'm not - I'm her mother!"


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:08 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After the meal, the waiter said "Curry OK?" I said, "Alright - got any Neil Diamond songs?"
The Indian karaoke champion was there - Gorupta Singh.
He asked me, "Are you the bloke who sings Neil Diamond songs?"
"I am," I said.



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:09 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I was in HMV just now.
I asked the assistant where I could find a DVD of The Terminator.
He said, "Aisle B - back."



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 12:38 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've not been well lately. I saw my GP, he advised me to lay off milk, cream & cheese. No whey - how dairy?
Then I had a look at the Conjunctivitus web page; what a site for sore eyes.

And today's Top Tip:
Motorists, save ££££s on personalised numberplates; just change your name by deed poll to match your car's reg. Thanks for that, to GCB124R.



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 1:59 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
My friend Sid had his id stolen.
Now, he's just called S. :roll:

Anybody want to hear any bum jokes? I've got piles. :oops:

And finally, Ronnie; spare a thought for poor Thomas Edison.
He invented the gramophone in 1877, but died in 1932 without ever having a hit record.



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:55 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I made a mistake buying a chairlift. It's driving me up the wall.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 3:04 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I always wanted to be a procrastinator but I never got around to it.


Just had two Police Officers at my door!
They said; “Are you familiar with the letters HB?”
I replied, “No, I’m not.”
“How about LS?”
“No.”
“What about JD?”
I asked, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?”
The police officers said, “No, these are just initial enquiries.”


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 11:24 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A man went to the doctor, he said, "Doctor, listen to my knee, it's making a funny noise." So the quack got his stethoscope out & had a listen; he said, "That's amazing, your knee is saying 'lend us a tenner.'" Then he put the stethoscope on the man's thigh, and heard 'Lend us twenty quid,doc.' Then he listened to the man's thigh, and it was saying 'Lend us a fiver.'
"Well," said the doctor, my diagnosis is your leg's broke in 3 places.




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PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 11:25 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
By the way, it's my birthday on Monday.
No need for cards or presents, no need to buy me a drink......
just put some jokes up.
:P



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