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PostPosted: Thu Feb 13, 2020 2:10 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: 'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Syrian Border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Syrian boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast."


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 14, 2020 5:32 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Send him back!

A pub called The Clitoris has closed after just 2 weeks' trading.
Seems very few men could find it.

A friend of mine asked me, "What's the difference between ignorance & indifference?" I said, "I don't know, and I don't care."



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2020 12:49 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Right, mirth-lovers, it's Saturday, and you know what that means.
Yes, I recycle all the top jokes from this morning's Tony Blackburn show on Radio 2.

My pet tortoise is a bit of a recluse.....I cant get him to come out of his shell.
No? How about this one then-
A local shoe shop had so much stuff nicked, they installed CCTV.
Police want to see the footage.
I walked into a music shop, I said "What have you got by The Doors?"
The bloke said, "A bucket of sand & a fire extinguisher."
When I was growing up, local kids used to pelt me with cake, cherries and cream. It sure was tough in the gateau.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_04



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2020 5:18 pm Reply with quote
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I don't know the Roman numerals for 1, 1000, 51, 6 & 500.
I'm LIVID.

I'm tempted to have plastic surgery, to give me a new penis.
But I'm worried it might make me too cocky.

And today's top tip:
Take advantage of Storm Dennis & get rid of your old junk, by throwing it into the neighbour's garden.



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2020 7:34 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:Always keep your condoms in the car!


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 21, 2020 5:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Sorry I haven't been on for a while, but on Tuesday, I was shot 200 times, with an upholstery gun. But I'm now fully recovered.

A man was being examined by his GP & the doc saw he was covered in bruises. He asked what happened, and the patient said he likes to lie alongside the road and let people ride their bikes over him. The doctor said he's showing signs of becoming a cycle path.

Well, that's it for now but I'll be back tomorrow with the pick of the Tony Blackburn Show's jokes.....bet you can hardly wait
:wink:



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2020 2:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Thought For The Day:
If smoking's bad for you, why does it cure kippers?

What about this Corona Virus, eh?
Hand sanitiser manufacturers must be rubbing their hands!

It doesn't get much more topical than that....now I'm off to self-isolate for 14 days.



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2020 3:58 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
We interrupt this jollity for an important message from the Ministry of Mirth:
"With the Corona Virus Pandemic, we have had to introduce rationing of jokes, as panic telling has brought stocks to dangerously low levels. To ensure that enough frivolity remains, only one joke will be told per day. And the Over-70s* are warned to self-isolate. Thank you."

* No names, no pack drill; you know who you are, Kerrins & ESSEX.



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2020 12:38 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Dubliner has designed an invisible aeroplane but I can't see it taking off.

He told me the other day, that he’d really like a job cleaning mirrors. He said it’s just something he could really see himself doing.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 5:13 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
As Cyril Fletcher used to say on "That's Life," I am indebted to Danny Wells for this ribbed tickler, which he put up on Facebook today:
every time I try to shake somebody's hand, they keep giving me the elbow.
Esther......



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2020 4:06 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
China has released the names of the first three that caught the Corona virus:

Sum Ting Wong...........Ho Lee Fuk...........Yu Dai Soon


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2020 11:46 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
Single woman with hand sanitizer would like to meet a single man with toilet rolls for good clean fun.

They said gloves and a mask would be sufficient to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on..

Hope everyone is keeping well - please stay safe URsssss!



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2020 12:01 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
I shouted through the letter box, "Thanks for the groceries, just leave em on the doormat."
Wife.. "Just let me in the house Alan."

John22 was telling me that he was getting so bored during the virus lockdown that he decided to hold a wet t-shirt contest.
He said after looking at them hanging on the line, he decided he liked his red one the best.

Hope everyone is still keeping well - please stay safe IndyRs!



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PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2020 12:34 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3354Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
These Covid 19 jokes are all the rage......they've gone viral. :oops:

Tesco - good, busy later. Sainsbury - moderate to good, rough in the toilet roll aisle. Asda - slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening. Marks & Spencer - fair. Lidl - spillage in aisle 7. Co-Op - fair to moderate.
And that is the Shopping Forecast.



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2020 11:46 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 513
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
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Two cows are standing in a field. One cow said, "Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!

The other cow replied "Good thing I'm a helicopter".


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