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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2020 2:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3415Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Thought For The Day:
If smoking's bad for you, why does it cure kippers?

What about this Corona Virus, eh?
Hand sanitiser manufacturers must be rubbing their hands!

It doesn't get much more topical than that....now I'm off to self-isolate for 14 days.



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2020 3:58 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3415Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
We interrupt this jollity for an important message from the Ministry of Mirth:
"With the Corona Virus Pandemic, we have had to introduce rationing of jokes, as panic telling has brought stocks to dangerously low levels. To ensure that enough frivolity remains, only one joke will be told per day. And the Over-70s* are warned to self-isolate. Thank you."

* No names, no pack drill; you know who you are, Kerrins & ESSEX.



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2020 12:38 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 527
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Dubliner has designed an invisible aeroplane but I can't see it taking off.

He told me the other day, that he’d really like a job cleaning mirrors. He said it’s just something he could really see himself doing.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 5:13 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3415Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
As Cyril Fletcher used to say on "That's Life," I am indebted to Danny Wells for this ribbed tickler, which he put up on Facebook today:
every time I try to shake somebody's hand, they keep giving me the elbow.
Esther......



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2020 4:06 pm Reply with quote
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China has released the names of the first three that caught the Corona virus:

Sum Ting Wong...........Ho Lee Fuk...........Yu Dai Soon


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2020 11:46 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 535Location: It's in the Name
Single woman with hand sanitizer would like to meet a single man with toilet rolls for good clean fun.

They said gloves and a mask would be sufficient to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on..

Hope everyone is keeping well - please stay safe URsssss!



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2020 12:01 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 535Location: It's in the Name
I shouted through the letter box, "Thanks for the groceries, just leave em on the doormat."
Wife.. "Just let me in the house Alan."

John22 was telling me that he was getting so bored during the virus lockdown that he decided to hold a wet t-shirt contest.
He said after looking at them hanging on the line, he decided he liked his red one the best.

Hope everyone is still keeping well - please stay safe IndyRs!



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PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2020 12:34 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3415Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
These Covid 19 jokes are all the rage......they've gone viral. :oops:

Tesco - good, busy later. Sainsbury - moderate to good, rough in the toilet roll aisle. Asda - slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening. Marks & Spencer - fair. Lidl - spillage in aisle 7. Co-Op - fair to moderate.
And that is the Shopping Forecast.



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2020 11:46 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 527
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow said, "Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!

The other cow replied "Good thing I'm a helicopter".


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 2:24 pm Reply with quote
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Velcro....what a rip-off.

A cowboy goes into a German car salesroom and says, "Audi."

How does a plumber finish with his girlfriend?
He says It's over, Flo.



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2020 10:54 pm Reply with quote
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If a man speaks in the middle of a forest and there are no women there to hear him, is he still wrong?

I had to chase a mugger who stole my wallet.
He gave me a run for my money.

A plumber goes to a psychic and before he can say anything she says,
"I can see great wealth in your future. "
"You could be right, " he said, "I'm here to fix your heating. "

By the way, the guy who invented hand sanitizer must rubbing his hands.



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PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2020 10:23 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3415Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Right-oh boys & girls, I've had a brilliant idea.
You know this old soldier who's raising money for the NHS - Colonel Tom?
No, that was Elvis's manager; Major Tom, that's it.
Anyway, he's doing laps of his back yard, and so far he's raised literally hundreds of quid on the Interweb.
The Queen should make him a General, no 2 ways about it.
Well that made me think.....what if I did the same with this thread; you lot sponsor me for every joke. All proceeds to the NHS (Next Holiday Scheme).
So here goes....I tell a joke & you lot donate here:
#JustGiving SteveaNiceLittleEarner

Q: Why are the Chinese no good at cricket?
A: Because they eat all the bats.

Geddit?? Get donating NOW



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PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2020 9:05 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 527
A man walks into a bar & orders 3 large whiskies.The barman pours them, puts them down & the man knocks them all down in one.
The barman says, "Wow, you make short work of them."
The man says, "So would you, if you had what I've got."
"What's that?" asks the barman.
The man says "fifty p."

In a school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching."
Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want.
God is watching the apples."


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2020 1:18 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 535Location: It's in the Name
When I see a field of wild flowers I can't resist skipping through it.
I have a gambolling problem.


If Domestos had got their shit together and created a bleach that actually killed 100% of germs, maybe we wouldn't be so worried about this Coronavirus.


I was offered sex with a really attractive woman today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2020 2:01 pm Reply with quote
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Now you all know me, I'm not one to complain.
But I have to say, the sum raised so far is a bit low.
In fact, in round figures, it's er...... £0
So here's some more ribbed ticklers to get you donating.


What's yellow and stupid?
Thick custard.

A penguin walks into a bar and says, "Has my brother been in?"
The barman says, "I dunno - what does he look like?"

My wife's left me because I'm too insecure..... oh hang on, here she is, she was just making a cuppa.



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