Author Message

INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Post new topic  Reply to topic

PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 12:56 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
Dubliner’s wife noticed him standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2019 1:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Christmas is a-coming, so it's time once more to open.......
(ominous music)
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.

This is fresh off of this morning's Tony Blackburn show -
jokes don't come more up to date than that.

I just bought a new Motown wardrobe.
It's not very big...just enough room for Four Tops.
And the follow-up:
I've got a Motown fridge.
It's full of Temptations.



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2019 7:15 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Couple of days' worth of doors to open......
stand by for a festival of fun.........

Boeing have announced they plan to introduce an invisible airliner.
I can't see it taking off.

My granddad always used to say - one door opens, and another door closes.
Nice guy, terrible cabinet maker.

The wife's complained about all the CCTV cameras I've installed in the house
I can see where she's coming from.


And the posh bird from the Ferrerro Rocher ad says-
"M'sieu, wiz all zese top jokes, you are really spoiling us."



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:09 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Just opened up a Christmas card delivered today and some rice fell out. i think it was from Uncle Ben.


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 1:46 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Feck me, time to brush the cobwebs off this thread!

These Australian bush fires remind me of the time I was in Sydney, and there was a native Australian playing 'Dancing Queen' on a didgeridoo.
I thought - "He's Abbariginal."

My grief counsellor died recently......luckily, he was so good at his job I didn't give a monkey's.

Up for another? Or would that be a mirth overload??
Oh go on then......
I said to JOHN22, "Why do you call Dubliner 'Mother Theresa' - is it because he helps the poor? He replied, "No Steve; it's because he's old and wears blue & white."

And the posh bird in the Fererro Rocher ad said-
M'sieu, wiz all zese top jokes, you are really spoiling us.



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 9:14 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
Dubliner stepped out of the shower, He heard someone in the kitchen downstairs. He was sure his wife was out, so he grabbed his 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that he was in his birthday suit.
He came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find his wife loading the dishwasher.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”
Scanning the contours of Dubliners doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 9:41 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
Flavio saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."

With that Flavio dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen" said Flavio.


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 9:44 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
So the wife said to me : 'Can my mother come down for Easter ?'

I said: 'Why?'

And she said: 'Well, she's been up on the roof for two weeks now!!


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 3:47 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Little boy comes home from school, all excited & tells his Dad, "I've just been picked for a part in the school play. I'm gonna be a man who's been married for 25 years."
Dad says, "Well done, son - maybe next time you'll get a speaking role."



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Thu Feb 13, 2020 2:10 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: 'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Syrian Border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Syrian boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast."


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Feb 14, 2020 5:32 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Send him back!

A pub called The Clitoris has closed after just 2 weeks' trading.
Seems very few men could find it.

A friend of mine asked me, "What's the difference between ignorance & indifference?" I said, "I don't know, and I don't care."



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2020 12:49 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Right, mirth-lovers, it's Saturday, and you know what that means.
Yes, I recycle all the top jokes from this morning's Tony Blackburn show on Radio 2.

My pet tortoise is a bit of a recluse.....I cant get him to come out of his shell.
No? How about this one then-
A local shoe shop had so much stuff nicked, they installed CCTV.
Police want to see the footage.
I walked into a music shop, I said "What have you got by The Doors?"
The bloke said, "A bucket of sand & a fire extinguisher."
When I was growing up, local kids used to pelt me with cake, cherries and cream. It sure was tough in the gateau.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_04



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2020 5:18 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I don't know the Roman numerals for 1, 1000, 51, 6 & 500.
I'm LIVID.

I'm tempted to have plastic surgery, to give me a new penis.
But I'm worried it might make me too cocky.

And today's top tip:
Take advantage of Storm Dennis & get rid of your old junk, by throwing it into the neighbour's garden.



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2020 7:34 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:Always keep your condoms in the car!


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Feb 21, 2020 5:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Sorry I haven't been on for a while, but on Tuesday, I was shot 200 times, with an upholstery gun. But I'm now fully recovered.

A man was being examined by his GP & the doc saw he was covered in bruises. He asked what happened, and the patient said he likes to lie alongside the road and let people ride their bikes over him. The doctor said he's showing signs of becoming a cycle path.

Well, that's it for now but I'll be back tomorrow with the pick of the Tony Blackburn Show's jokes.....bet you can hardly wait
:wink:



_________________
Steve Masters, as heard on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show
Offline Profile

Display posts from previous:  Sort by:

All times are UTC [ DST ]
Page 13 of 19
285 posts
Go to page Previous  1 ... 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 ... 19  Next
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests
Search for:
Post new topic  Reply to topic
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum