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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2019 12:32 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3512Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, walshy, one good thing you can say about Warburton is, he always uses his loaf.

Anyway, I was in my local Ann Summers shop & I told the checkout girl I'd like a thong; she went, "Jutht a thong at twilight..." They had a dildo, on the box it said, "9 inches & realistic" - I thought, well which is it??

Oh, and one more thing - as Lootenant Columbo always used to say:
How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a
LBLIHBUTG ???



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PostPosted: Fri May 31, 2019 3:49 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 03, 2019 11:18 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3512Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
BAD TASTE ALERT - NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED:
I was in the toilet on a train, and the guard knocked on the door.
"Ticket, please."
I replied, "I'm having a dump."
He said, "OK - pass it under the door."
I said, "Here it comes - the yellow bits are sweetcorn." :oops:

When I got off the train, I went to a Psychic Fair. All the clairvoyants were either angry or miserable; there was no happy medium. :P

Liam rang me last night, he said "Steve, if I win the Laziness Award, will you pick it up for me?"
:roll:



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 1:41 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3512Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Just heard a great new CD, "Music For Limbo Dancing."
By Gary Barlow.
That might be a little subtle for you, try this:-

A friend's trying to get me to invest in old Egyptian monuments-
but it sounds like pyramid selling to me.

I was in a restaurant last night, I said "How long will my spaghetti be?"
The waiter said, "I don't know - we don't measure it."



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 3:42 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I went to a wedding at the weekend.

I said to the bloke next to me "The bride is very ugly".

"Do you mind" came the reply "she happens to be my daughter!"

"Very sorry " I say "I didn't realise you were her father"

"I'm not - I'm her mother!"


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:08 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3512Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After the meal, the waiter said "Curry OK?" I said, "Alright - got any Neil Diamond songs?"
The Indian karaoke champion was there - Gorupta Singh.
He asked me, "Are you the bloke who sings Neil Diamond songs?"
"I am," I said.



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 12:38 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3512Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've not been well lately. I saw my GP, he advised me to lay off milk, cream & cheese. No whey - how dairy?
Then I had a look at the Conjunctivitus web page; what a site for sore eyes.

And today's Top Tip:
Motorists, save ££££s on personalised numberplates; just change your name by deed poll to match your car's reg. Thanks for that, to GCB124R.



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 1:59 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3512Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
My friend Sid had his id stolen.
Now, he's just called S. :roll:

Anybody want to hear any bum jokes? I've got piles. :oops:

And finally, Ronnie; spare a thought for poor Thomas Edison.
He invented the gramophone in 1877, but died in 1932 without ever having a hit record.



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:55 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I made a mistake buying a chairlift. It's driving me up the wall.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 3:04 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I always wanted to be a procrastinator but I never got around to it.


Just had two Police Officers at my door!
They said; “Are you familiar with the letters HB?”
I replied, “No, I’m not.”
“How about LS?”
“No.”
“What about JD?”
I asked, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?”
The police officers said, “No, these are just initial enquiries.”


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 11:25 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3512Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
By the way, it's my birthday on Monday.
No need for cards or presents, no need to buy me a drink......
just put some jokes up.
:P



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:17 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 511
Doctor said to his patient, "I have good news and bad news!"

"What's the bad news doc?"

"Well, the gangrene has gone too far and we had to chop off both your legs!"

"And what's the good news?"

"The fella in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!"


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:23 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 511
Doctor: "There was an explosion at the factory, and your husband is in wards 2, 3 and 4.

Wife: "I just want to talk to him!"

Doctor: "Well that's just it, he's deaf as well!"


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2019 12:57 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 553Location: It's in the Name
The man that invented human cloning has died
The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2019 9:47 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
A truck loaded with Vicks vapour rub overturned on the M25. There was no congestion for 8 hours.


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