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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 3:23 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
steveqpr881 wrote:

I don't think the horse I drew in the office sweepstakes has much hope-
Norfolk Enchants.


Well, we had Norfolk Enchants at Naarch, did we!
Here's a few crackers to take the pain away...medicinal jokes if you will.
I just bought a new Thesaurus, but when I got it home, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective all the time, I think we should split up." I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
My granddad tried to warn people that the Titanic would sink. Nobody believed him, but he kept on warning them. Until they got so fed up, they threw him out of the cinema.
Walshy......



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 12, 2019 10:22 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Apologies for the mirth shortage this week, but every time I've tried to log on I just got some error message. Bleeding interweb.
Anyway, I'm back now, normal service has been resumed, so stand by for today's ribbed ticklers.

Patient: I think I'm a dog.
Doctor: How long have you thought that?
Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.

Patient: Doctor, I think I'm a moth.
Doctor: You really need to see the psychiatrist.
Patient: I know, but your light was on.



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PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2019 12:35 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
More "doctor, doctor" jokes.......

Patient: Doctor, doctor - I've swallowed a spoon!
Doctor: Sit there, and don't stir.
Patient: Doctor, doctor - I can't get my pullover off.
Doctor: I'll refer you to a cardiologist.

Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
I always back up my rage with facts and well-documented sources.
So said the Credible
Hulk.



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PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2019 9:01 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 325
A local radio station was running a competition
Long
A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Dave: "Goan... spelled, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Dave: "Goan fuck yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Rich."

DJ: "Rich, what's your word?"

Rich: "Smee... spelled S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Rich, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Rich: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 11:14 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
There are 2 old men sitting in deckchairs.
For arguement's sake, let's call them Zico & Pete.
Pete: I've just done a silent fart.
Zico: You need new batteries in your hearing aid.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_01



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2019 2:24 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I apologise for my silence recently, haven't had much interweb access, for various reasons. Good news, I've got a massive backlog to work thru, so empty your colostomy bags people, here comes a mirthfest.

Q: What's 200 foot high and wobbles?
A: The Trifle Tower.

I asked Hank Marvin - why do you hate Cliff Richard?
He said, because he kept me in the Shadows for years.

I've just been to a party to celebrate the launch of a new heating & utility company; they laid on quite a spread; yes, it was a small gas board.



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 10:52 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Doctor: Your test results are back. You are very healthy for a 65 year old.
Patient: Very pleased with that. What are the chances of me reaching 80?
Doctor: Do you drink or smoke?
Patient: No - and I don't take drugs either.
Doctor: Do you eat steaks or spare ribs?
Patient: No. I think red meat is bad for you.
Doctor: Do you spend time exposed to the sun like playing golf, hiking, sailing or biking etc?
Patient: No I don't
Doctor: Do you gamble, drive fast cars and have lots of sex?
Patient: No, I do none of those things.
Doctor: Why on earth do you want to live till 80???


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 11:53 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I bought a book, "The History of Electricity," by Voltaire.
Had it for a day, then thought I'd been over-charged, so I took it back.
But I was told that was the current price - which was a shock.
The shop said they have their overheads.
I put a negative review on their website, but just got a battery of abuse.
Still, I'm trying to stay positive.



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PostPosted: Mon Apr 29, 2019 2:15 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've decided to sell my John Lennon record collection on Amazon.
Imagine all the Pay Pal......
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_15



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PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2019 12:58 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Went to an auction yesterday.
I was very drunk.
Don't remember a lot.


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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 1:18 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
You're now the proud owner of a Picasso.
That'll be £25,000,000.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_03



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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 2:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Just heard, my grief councillor's died.
Luckily, he was great at his job, so I don't give a shit.

I've just got back from a barging holiday.
I haven't got a boat, I just bumped into people.

I'm into baking. This morning, I made a Belgian waffle.
Now, I'm going to make a Frenchman talk bollocks.

I accidentally kicked my dog, and he bit me.
My mate said, "It's karma."
"No," I said - "If anything, it's even angrier."



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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 4:18 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
At the hardware shop I asked "Is this fly spray good for wasps"?
He said "no it kills them".


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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 4:20 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I'm selling my pet python on Gumtree,
Some guy asked "how big is it?"...
I replied it was huge, he said "how many feet?"
I told him "None it's a fekin' snake!"


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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2019 2:44 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm selling my boomerang on Gumtree.
Yet again - can't get rid of it.

Reminds me of the time I sold my homing pigeon.
Twenty times.



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