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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 4:20 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I'm selling my pet python on Gumtree,
Some guy asked "how big is it?"...
I replied it was huge, he said "how many feet?"
I told him "None it's a fekin' snake!"


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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2019 2:44 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm selling my boomerang on Gumtree.
Yet again - can't get rid of it.

Reminds me of the time I sold my homing pigeon.
Twenty times.



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PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2019 10:30 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
43,093 views - we're catching up on Kerrins' "Closure of Madrangersfans" for this MB's most-viewed thread!
Here are today's ribbed ticklers, fresh off of this morning's Tony Blackburn Show (it's not plagiarism if I acknowledge my source!)
I used to have a paper shop; but business was bad, so it folded.
Then I opened a clock shop, but business was bad so I wound it up.
Boom boom!
Liam..........



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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 3:38 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
With Mark Warburton today's favourite to be our next manager (my 'sauce' is hot, as QBlockPete used to say), and Warburton's being a well-known brand of bread, I thought we should work through all the puns now - just in case he doesn't get the job. So here we go......
He's the best thing since sliced bread.
Liam........



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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 10:58 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
And he'll have to work hard to earn a crust


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2019 1:25 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A man decides to get a pet, so he goes to a pet shop.
He tells the manager, "I want something special - not your boring pets, like a cat or a dog."
So the manager says, "Well how about this centipede then? Not your run of the mill pet, and he talks - a snip at £200."
The bloke says, "Well that's a bit steep....I warn you, if he doesn't talk, I'll want me money back."
So anyway, he buys the centipede & takes him home. That evening, he fancies a drink so he says, "Fancy going down the pub, Mr. Centipede?"
No reply; well the bloke thinks he must be tired after that trip from the pet shop. Ten minutes later he asks again - "Fancy going down the pub, Mr. Centipede?" Again, no reply.
Another ten minutes later, he's fed up. He says, "Last time of asking - do you fancy coming down the pub or not??"
And the centipede says, "Alright pal, I heard you the first time - I'm just putting my shoes on."



And I'll tell you something else: if Warburton doesn't get results, he'll be toast.



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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2019 9:53 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Great managers are not born - they are bread!


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PostPosted: Mon May 13, 2019 2:35 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Which ship doesn't call at Liverpool?
The Premiership!

I went for a walk in the country with a pal. He noticed some animals and said, "Look at that flock of cows." To correct him I said, "Herd of cows."
He replied, "Of course I've heard of cows - look, there's a flock of them./"

Les said he had big plans for the club; Warburton said "I'll have a slice of that."



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PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2019 1:21 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
No jokes for 10 days?? Time to blow the cobwebs off.
SOS - I need your help!
A bloke called Buster is spamming me on the Internet.
He keeps sending me videos of 70's glam-rockers, The Sweet?
I've got no idea how to get rid of him - does anyone know a way? here's got to be a way to block Buster.

Warburton always clears his plate at tea-time; yes, he always has the wholemeal.



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PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2019 12:32 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, walshy, one good thing you can say about Warburton is, he always uses his loaf.

Anyway, I was in my local Ann Summers shop & I told the checkout girl I'd like a thong; she went, "Jutht a thong at twilight..." They had a dildo, on the box it said, "9 inches & realistic" - I thought, well which is it??

Oh, and one more thing - as Lootenant Columbo always used to say:
How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a
LBLIHBUTG ???



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PostPosted: Sat May 25, 2019 1:39 pm Reply with quote
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No more Warburton jokes? Crumbs!

Anyway, hear about the man who was in court accused of stealing calendars? He got 12 months. Eye thenk-yew!



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PostPosted: Sat May 25, 2019 2:04 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
And here's a bonus - one I've just nicked off of QBP on Facebook (remember, it's not plagiarism if I acknowledge my 'sauce')
I've just booked tickets to see the new Elton John film, "Rocket Man.".
I asked the cashier how long it lasts; she said, "I don't know; but I think it's gonna be a long, long time."





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PostPosted: Fri May 31, 2019 3:49 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 01, 2019 11:20 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I am indebted - as the late, great Cyril Fletcher used to say on That's Life - to our very own Andy Wardle, who posted this gem on Facebook.
(if I acknowledge my 'sauce,' it's not plagiarism!)
Q: How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Too.
Esther.....



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 03, 2019 11:18 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3547Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
BAD TASTE ALERT - NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED:
I was in the toilet on a train, and the guard knocked on the door.
"Ticket, please."
I replied, "I'm having a dump."
He said, "OK - pass it under the door."
I said, "Here it comes - the yellow bits are sweetcorn." :oops:

When I got off the train, I went to a Psychic Fair. All the clairvoyants were either angry or miserable; there was no happy medium. :P

Liam rang me last night, he said "Steve, if I win the Laziness Award, will you pick it up for me?"
:roll:



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