Independent Rs
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The new, IMPROVED joke thread!
http://www.indyrs.co.uk/messageboard/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=21182
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Author:  steveqpr881 [ Thu Jun 13, 2019 12:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I've not been well lately. I saw my GP, he advised me to lay off milk, cream & cheese. No whey - how dairy?
Then I had a look at the Conjunctivitus web page; what a site for sore eyes.

And today's Top Tip:
Motorists, save ££££s on personalised numberplates; just change your name by deed poll to match your car's reg. Thanks for that, to GCB124R.

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Fri Jun 14, 2019 1:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

My friend Sid had his id stolen.
Now, he's just called S. :roll:

Anybody want to hear any bum jokes? I've got piles. :oops:

And finally, Ronnie; spare a thought for poor Thomas Edison.
He invented the gramophone in 1877, but died in 1932 without ever having a hit record.

Author:  liamoliam [ Fri Jun 14, 2019 3:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I always wanted to be a procrastinator but I never got around to it.


Just had two Police Officers at my door!
They said; “Are you familiar with the letters HB?”
I replied, “No, I’m not.”
“How about LS?”
“No.”
“What about JD?”
I asked, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?”
The police officers said, “No, these are just initial enquiries.”

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Sat Jun 15, 2019 11:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

By the way, it's my birthday on Monday.
No need for cards or presents, no need to buy me a drink......
just put some jokes up.
:P

Author:  JOHN22 [ Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Doctor said to his patient, "I have good news and bad news!"

"What's the bad news doc?"

"Well, the gangrene has gone too far and we had to chop off both your legs!"

"And what's the good news?"

"The fella in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!"

Author:  JOHN22 [ Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Doctor: "There was an explosion at the factory, and your husband is in wards 2, 3 and 4.

Wife: "I just want to talk to him!"

Doctor: "Well that's just it, he's deaf as well!"

Author:  liamoliam [ Thu Jun 27, 2019 9:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

A truck loaded with Vicks vapour rub overturned on the M25. There was no congestion for 8 hours.

Author:  liamoliam [ Thu Jun 27, 2019 9:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

My cross eyed wife and I have just got a divorce. We never saw eye to eye and then I realised she was seeing someone on the side!

Author:  Dubliner [ Thu Jun 27, 2019 11:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

My mate said he didn't understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us...


... and a bonus to mark my resurfacing after retirement (at last!!)

The Chip shop I go to still wraps-up meals in newspaper.
Yesterday i got a Plaice in The Sun.

Author:  JOHN22 [ Sat Jun 29, 2019 1:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

What’s red and moves up and down?

A tomato in an elevator!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.

Author:  JOHN22 [ Tue Jul 02, 2019 12:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I just got the news, Dubliner was on the beach in Dollymount Strand yesterday and found a magic lamp.

He rubbed it and asked the genie to make him supremely and irresistibility attractive to all women!

The genie turned him into a credit card!!

Author:  liamoliam [ Tue Jul 09, 2019 7:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I'm told that "SHAG" is not a rude word because it has many meanings:-

To an American - it's a dance
To a carpet maker - it's long pile rug
To a smoker - it's a type of tobacco
To an ornithologist - it's a bird
To Steve - it's a remote possibility.

Author:  JOHN22 [ Wed Jul 17, 2019 11:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing.

When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old.
In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch."
*WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out.

The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?"

"Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

Author:  JOHN22 [ Wed Jul 17, 2019 11:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.

Author:  liamoliam [ Fri Jul 19, 2019 2:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

My mate said to his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She said she "would take half and leave" him.

"Great" he said. " I have just won £10. Here's a fiver ....... stay in touch"

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