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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2019 9:01 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 322
A local radio station was running a competition
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A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Dave: "Goan... spelled, G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Dave: "Goan fuck yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Rich."

DJ: "Rich, what's your word?"

Rich: "Smee... spelled S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "... You are correct, Rich, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Rich: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2019 2:24 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I apologise for my silence recently, haven't had much interweb access, for various reasons. Good news, I've got a massive backlog to work thru, so empty your colostomy bags people, here comes a mirthfest.

Q: What's 200 foot high and wobbles?
A: The Trifle Tower.

I asked Hank Marvin - why do you hate Cliff Richard?
He said, because he kept me in the Shadows for years.

I've just been to a party to celebrate the launch of a new heating & utility company; they laid on quite a spread; yes, it was a small gas board.



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 10:52 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 314Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Doctor: Your test results are back. You are very healthy for a 65 year old.
Patient: Very pleased with that. What are the chances of me reaching 80?
Doctor: Do you drink or smoke?
Patient: No - and I don't take drugs either.
Doctor: Do you eat steaks or spare ribs?
Patient: No. I think red meat is bad for you.
Doctor: Do you spend time exposed to the sun like playing golf, hiking, sailing or biking etc?
Patient: No I don't
Doctor: Do you gamble, drive fast cars and have lots of sex?
Patient: No, I do none of those things.
Doctor: Why on earth do you want to live till 80???


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 11:53 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I bought a book, "The History of Electricity," by Voltaire.
Had it for a day, then thought I'd been over-charged, so I took it back.
But I was told that was the current price - which was a shock.
The shop said they have their overheads.
I put a negative review on their website, but just got a battery of abuse.
Still, I'm trying to stay positive.



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PostPosted: Mon Apr 29, 2019 2:15 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've decided to sell my John Lennon record collection on Amazon.
Imagine all the Pay Pal......
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_15



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PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2019 12:58 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 314Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Went to an auction yesterday.
I was very drunk.
Don't remember a lot.


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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 1:18 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
You're now the proud owner of a Picasso.
That'll be £25,000,000.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_03



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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 2:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Just heard, my grief councillor's died.
Luckily, he was great at his job, so I don't give a shit.

I've just got back from a barging holiday.
I haven't got a boat, I just bumped into people.

I'm into baking. This morning, I made a Belgian waffle.
Now, I'm going to make a Frenchman talk bollocks.

I accidentally kicked my dog, and he bit me.
My mate said, "It's karma."
"No," I said - "If anything, it's even angrier."



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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 4:18 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 314Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
At the hardware shop I asked "Is this fly spray good for wasps"?
He said "no it kills them".


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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2019 2:44 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm selling my boomerang on Gumtree.
Yet again - can't get rid of it.

Reminds me of the time I sold my homing pigeon.
Twenty times.



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PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2019 10:30 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
43,093 views - we're catching up on Kerrins' "Closure of Madrangersfans" for this MB's most-viewed thread!
Here are today's ribbed ticklers, fresh off of this morning's Tony Blackburn Show (it's not plagiarism if I acknowledge my source!)
I used to have a paper shop; but business was bad, so it folded.
Then I opened a clock shop, but business was bad so I wound it up.
Boom boom!
Liam..........



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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 3:38 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
With Mark Warburton today's favourite to be our next manager (my 'sauce' is hot, as QBlockPete used to say), and Warburton's being a well-known brand of bread, I thought we should work through all the puns now - just in case he doesn't get the job. So here we go......
He's the best thing since sliced bread.
Liam........



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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2019 1:25 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A man decides to get a pet, so he goes to a pet shop.
He tells the manager, "I want something special - not your boring pets, like a cat or a dog."
So the manager says, "Well how about this centipede then? Not your run of the mill pet, and he talks - a snip at £200."
The bloke says, "Well that's a bit steep....I warn you, if he doesn't talk, I'll want me money back."
So anyway, he buys the centipede & takes him home. That evening, he fancies a drink so he says, "Fancy going down the pub, Mr. Centipede?"
No reply; well the bloke thinks he must be tired after that trip from the pet shop. Ten minutes later he asks again - "Fancy going down the pub, Mr. Centipede?" Again, no reply.
Another ten minutes later, he's fed up. He says, "Last time of asking - do you fancy coming down the pub or not??"
And the centipede says, "Alright pal, I heard you the first time - I'm just putting my shoes on."



And I'll tell you something else: if Warburton doesn't get results, he'll be toast.



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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2019 9:53 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 314Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Great managers are not born - they are bread!


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PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2019 1:21 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
No jokes for 10 days?? Time to blow the cobwebs off.
SOS - I need your help!
A bloke called Buster is spamming me on the Internet.
He keeps sending me videos of 70's glam-rockers, The Sweet?
I've got no idea how to get rid of him - does anyone know a way? here's got to be a way to block Buster.

Warburton always clears his plate at tea-time; yes, he always has the wholemeal.



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