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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2018 2:29 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
As the late, great Cyril Fletcher always used to say on That's Life - "Where's me falsh teeth?" Then once he'd put them in, he'd say, "I am indebited to Chris P. Tenner (that way it's not plagiarism) for this ribbed tickler:
A Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman walked into a pub. To watch the World Cup.
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2018 5:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went into Boots, I asked the assistant, "Can you show me where the pile ointment is?" He said, "Certainly sir, walk this way." I said,"If I could walk that way,I wouldn't need pile ointment." :oops:
The old ones are always the best.....



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PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2018 1:09 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 535Location: It's in the Name
I dropped my phone into the sink a couple of nights ago.
It's been ringing ever since.

... and because John22 has shown up...

I popped around to John’s house last friday evening to see if he wanted to go for a pint.
John asked me in and said; “What do you think of my new flying ducks on the wall?”
I said; “John, I don’t think you’re supposed to use real ducks.”
“Really, are you serious?” said John.
“Another thing John”, I said, “If you’re using real ducks it’s probably best if they’re dead.”



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2018 11:43 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 526
Went to a St. Pats match with Dubliner a couple of weeks ago, and had a few beers after.
After several pints, Dubliner said:

( I’m certain there are female hormones in beer................................. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I....I..... cannot control my car.)


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2018 10:51 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 535Location: It's in the Name
Ah yes I remember that match....
We had a few pints before the game and when we went into the stand John seemed to become very unwell really suddenly. He said "Dubliner, I feel sick and dizzy, sitting up here. I think I might just head home"
I asked him "have you got vertigo John?"
"No he said I’m only going to Blanch. (Blanchardstown to the non-Dubliners!)



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:48 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Esther Rantzen is 78 today, and here to celebrate is her old pal from "That's Life," the late Cyril Fletcher, to say -
I am indebted to Dad's Jokes for this ribbed tickler:
Q: How do you know if that large, aggressive sea creature is an alligator or a crocodile? A: Whether it will see you later, or in a while.
And here is a bonus- I've just been to a meeting of the National Sceptics Society. The bloke in charge said, "I don't believe we've met." I said, "I don't believe you don't believe we've met." :?
Walshy.....



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 26, 2018 9:20 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 314
David Beckham was invited to give an inspirational talk to the England World Cup squad in Russia , he said , " I like them because they make my breath smell nice"
There's an awkward silence until someone at the back shouts out
" FFS if I told you once I told you twice its tactics, tactics, you thick twat " :wink:


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2018 1:41 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
60, 70, 80...phew, what a scorcher!
It's another lovely day - a lovely day, lovely day, lovely day... as Bill Withers used to sing. It was his 80th birthday on Wednesday, which reminds me of the old Comedy Classic-
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Pop him in the oven until his bill withers. Eye thenk-yew.



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PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2018 10:55 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 314
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said.
"A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?" :wink:


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 20, 2018 12:02 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Poor old Walshy; he rang me up last night, he said "Steve, I put nitrous oxide in my gravy by mistake,now I'm a laughing stock." That reminded me of the time I rubbed a herb in my eye & ended up parsley-sighted. Anyone know any eye jokes? The cornea the better.......
My Japanese mate never tells a lie, believe Yu Mi. He does backwards origami....more on that as it unfolds.
And the posh bird from the Fererro Rocher ad said, "M'sieu, wiz all zese cutting-edge ribbed ticklers, you are really spoiling us."


I've locked the messageboard, no-one logs off until I get a laugh.... Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_09



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PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2018 12:09 pm Reply with quote
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Last night a Chinese bloke came into my local pub.

after a few minutes I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or any other martial arts.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No!" I said" "it’s because you’re drinking my fu*king pint " :wink:


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2018 11:31 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Mister Blue Sky, Miiister Bluuue Sky, Miister Bluuue Sky-iiiiiiii.
As Jeff Lynne out of ELO used to sing.
Yes, the heatwave continues herew in sunny Reading & it's certainly bringing the insects out. Yesterday, I was stung by a bee.
20 quid for a jar of honey, I ask you!



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PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2018 5:54 pm Reply with quote
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Chelsea fc have extended an invitation to the 12 Thai footballers and their coach to visit Stamford Bridge and attend a Premier league game. A spokes person for the young teenagers has replied..
" after being stuck in a dark dismal stinking shit hole for 2 weeks they have no desire to go to another " Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_01


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2018 10:20 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went to a Robbie Williams concert last night, I was sat next to an insurance salesman. And through it all, he offered me protection....



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PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2018 12:04 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3412Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've just been to a mate's funeral.
He died after drinking a bottle of varnish.
He had a nasty death, but a nice finish.

Then I had a call, to say my pet lobster's been playing up.
When I get home, he'll be in hot water.



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