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PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2019 3:35 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
What a day I've had today!
First, I went to see the doctor, for piles. He said, "Don't worry, we'll soon get to the bottom of it." Then I was in B & Q and got thrown out & barred! Well, some twat in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking.....luckily I got the first punch in.



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 09, 2019 1:26 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've just been sacked from the tyre factory.
I kept letting them down.




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PostPosted: Mon Mar 11, 2019 3:05 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
That Walshy....he's a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac. He's up all night, wondering if there's a dog.

Poor old Liam...he rang me up last night, he said "Steve, I've almost done this crossword but I cant spell the last answer- Armageddon." I said "Cheer up son - it's not the end of the world."

Anyway, we're in Lent right now, anybody giving anything up?
I was going to give up Viagra, but I doubt if I can keep it up.

Ever wondered why hurricanes are named after women?
When they've left, they've taken the house and car with them.



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2019 2:32 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
It's the Saturday Joke-Fest; just in case we need cheering up, come 5.45.

A friend of mine was killed when a piano fell on him.
Just been to the funeral- it was a low-key affair.

I lost my job as a glass-blower; there was a recession and the bubble burst. So I went for another job, the interviewer said, "How do you perform under pressure?" I said, "Better than I do Bohemian Rhapsody." (keep going)

I'm thinking about getting a dog, but I cant decide which breed.
Can anybody give me a few pointers? (this is better than Comic Relief)

Bad spellers of the world, untie! (almost there)

What do we want?
Less acronyms!
When do we want them?
A.S.A.P.

(that's enough, they can't take any more)



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PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2019 4:33 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 165Location: Belfast
Two doctors in practice in a small town clinic in Bluebell had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go. "Why, we just hired her?" "Well, I think she is dyslexic and does things backwards. I told her to give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24 four hour, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she gave her twelve in one hour."
The doctor have barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" the doctor asked.
"To see Nurse Nancy, I just instructed her to prick Mr. Hill's Boil.



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PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2019 4:43 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 165Location: Belfast
I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in." However, the bloke on the next table said, "My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died."
Fcuk me.
If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd have been happy.
I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"
He said, "Nah; he choked on a sock."



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2019 2:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A bloke had an offer of a great job, but he just had one problem - it was in Liverpool. He asked his next-door neighbour, who used to live in da Pewl, if the crime there was as bad as the papers say; the neighbour said, "No, I lived there 20 years & I was never bothered by criminals." "What job did you do?" asked the bloke; to which his neighbour replied, "I was the rear gunner on a bread van."



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2019 3:51 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
....or Continental tyres. :?

Anyway, I went to bed last night, and a book fell on my head.
Still, I've only got my shelf to blame. :oops:

Anybody tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing.
I entered the blindfolded masturbation competition once......
don't know where I came. Matron!



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2019 12:41 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Saw this on Facebook, thought it'd be good for a laugh:
Describe your sex life, using a movie title.
I'll start....... Me - Deep Impact.
Walshy - While You Were Asleep
Liam - The Day After Tomorrow
JOHN22 - Gone in 60 Seconds
Dubliner - Home Alone



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PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2019 8:30 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 322
After a marathon 3 hour session at the marriage guidance counsellors ,my uncle Fred and auntie Flo were informed, that to improve their sex life Fred had to stop masturbating ......" why" asked Fred ?
Because your in my office and I'm trying to interview you the counsellor replied :shock:

film The Handmaids Tale :roll:


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2019 12:02 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 511
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"
She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2019 12:03 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 511
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2019 1:38 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I see we've notched up exactly 200 replies.
And to celebrate, here's another Grand National-related ribbed tickler:
I don't think the horse I drew in the office sweepstakes has much hope-
Norfolk Enchants.
No, my money's on Creosote - he's good over fences.



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PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 3:23 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
steveqpr881 wrote:

I don't think the horse I drew in the office sweepstakes has much hope-
Norfolk Enchants.


Well, we had Norfolk Enchants at Naarch, did we!
Here's a few crackers to take the pain away...medicinal jokes if you will.
I just bought a new Thesaurus, but when I got it home, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective all the time, I think we should split up." I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
My granddad tried to warn people that the Titanic would sink. Nobody believed him, but he kept on warning them. Until they got so fed up, they threw him out of the cinema.
Walshy......



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PostPosted: Fri Apr 12, 2019 10:22 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3519Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Apologies for the mirth shortage this week, but every time I've tried to log on I just got some error message. Bleeding interweb.
Anyway, I'm back now, normal service has been resumed, so stand by for today's ribbed ticklers.

Patient: I think I'm a dog.
Doctor: How long have you thought that?
Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.

Patient: Doctor, I think I'm a moth.
Doctor: You really need to see the psychiatrist.
Patient: I know, but your light was on.



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