Independent Rs

The new, IMPROVED joke thread!
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Author:  JOHN22 [ Thu Dec 20, 2018 7:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Fri Dec 21, 2018 11:23 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

A classic, JOHN; almost makes me ashamed of the jokes I'm about to put up! Almost, but not quite......well boys & girls, it was the office Xmas party last night and there were Christmas crackers a-plenty, so here come the jokes behind today's door in the Advent Calendar of Doom:
What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps!
What happened when the snowman fell out with the snowgirl? He got the cold shoulder.
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet.

Never mind, it'll soon be over........

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Mon Dec 24, 2018 1:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I'll be logging off for Xmas soon, so unless anyone wants to put a joke up tomorrow, it's time to open the very last door on.....The Advent Calendar of Doom.
Ah, this time of year brings back memories for me.....every Xmas I'd rush down the stairs to the big pile of parcels and unwrap them as fast as I could. Sometimes, there'd be fights over who had the best toys, but we'd all make up and sit down to a 3-hour dinner before watching TV the rest of the day. How I miss my job at the Royal Mail sorting office......
And I'm feeling generous, so here's a Christmas bonus:
The OCD Sufferers' Xmas party takes place tonight; things are NOT going to get messy!

A Merry Xmas to you all, thanks for the jokes & keep 'em coming in 2019.

Author:  murf [ Wed Dec 26, 2018 12:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I opened and unsigned Christmas card yesterday and a wee pile of rice fell out, so I reckon it was from my Uncle Ben?

Author:  liamoliam [ Mon Dec 31, 2018 7:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Surprised there were no chimney jokes this festive season. My mate has a stack of them. He gave me this one on the house.

Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children?
Because he only comes once a year and it’s down the chimney.

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:27 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Happy New Year, everyone & here's the 1st joke of 2019:
I've just split up with my girlfriend Lorraine;
now I'm going out with Clara.
I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone.

Author:  JOHN22 [ Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Diego sat at the bar, just looking at his drink, staring at it for over half an hour.
A big rough, tough looking truck driver came into the bar and stood next to him, took the drink from Diego, and drank it all down in one gulp.
Diego started crying uncontrollably.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that," said Diego, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and I went in late to my job. The boss went crazy and sacked me, when I left the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet on the seat. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife Maria in bed with, Joe the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Thu Jan 17, 2019 12:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Must admit to neglecting all recently, mirth fans, so here's a bumper bundle of ribbed ticklers.
A weasel walks into a bar: the barman says, "We don't get many weasels in here, what can I get you?" " Pop," goes the weasel.
Bnag! That's bang out of order.
The next-door neighbour knocked on my door at 3 o'c this morning; lucky I was still playing my drums.

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Last night, the wife said she was leaving me, because she reckons I'm obsessed with astronomy. Honestly, what planet is she on?? :roll:

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Fri Feb 01, 2019 2:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Anybody got the address of the Trampoline Society? Every time I send them an email, I just get a bounce back. Come on, don't make me do somersaults to get a response..... Anyway, how about some band name jokes?
Like this classic from the original thread: I'm in a band called Cat's Eyes. We mainly play middle of the road. Then there's the band called Upholstery - they mainly do covers.Or The Innocents - they never got a booking.

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Sat Feb 02, 2019 12:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Heard on the news this morning that today is Groundhog Day. If you thought it was all made up for that film - no; every year, on this day, people wait in some small U.S. town with an unpronounceable name for a rodent called Phil to pop it's head up. This, apparently, helps them decided if that year's summer is going to be good or bad. Although "Phil" only has a 39% success rate in his predictions - might as well get a job with the Met. Office.
Anyway, as today is Groundhog Day, I thought I'd take you back in time (as in the film) to the very first joke ever told on this thread.
My friend Marge is ill. In fact, she's been ill for so long, she's thinking of changing her name to "I cant believe I'm not better."

And now, a new joke:
I said to my friend, "I really like Beyonce." He said, "Whatever floats your boat." I said, "No, that's buoyancy." Just think - if she married Roy Castle's son, she'd be known as Beyoncé Castle!
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Author:  steveqpr881 [ Tue Feb 05, 2019 6:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

A friend rang me up just now, he said he'd changed his name. I asked him to what, he said "Spinal Column." I said can I call you back?

I'm putting all my John Lennon records up for sale on ebay.
Imagine all the Pay Pal.

Author:  liamoliam [ Wed Feb 06, 2019 3:48 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

A guy buys a talking centipede for £5,000 and takes it home in a box.

In a while he opens the box and asks the centipede if it would like to go for a pint. No answer.

He then shouts at the centipede "DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A PINT?"

The centipede eventually replied. "No need to shout I heard you the first time. I'm just putting my shoes on!"

Author:  liamoliam [ Wed Feb 06, 2019 3:55 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

When I was younger I attended medical school. In one exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important body part which is most useful when erect.

Those that answered SPINE are doctors today. The rest of us write on Indyrs!

Author:  liamoliam [ Wed Feb 06, 2019 3:58 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

I said to my wife "When I die I am going to leave everything to you"

She replied "You already do, you lazy b*stard"

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