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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Fri May 18, 2018 10:23 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, I say improved.....let's face it, they couldn't get any worse.
And new....if you lot are expecting anything new from me, all I can say is-
dream on, sunshine.

"What's going on, Steve?" you ask.
Well, it's like this: Steve Russell promised to pay me royalties once the thread reached a certain number of views - long since passed.
Repeated reminders got me nowhere - I haven't had a penny from him.
But I know he was selling adverts on the back of it.
So he had to get rid of the thread;it was a liability, pure & simple.
But we won't be thwarted, will we mirth fans! No, here it is, the New, Improved Joke Thread & let's start off with a topical one - The Royal Wedding:
Prince Harry: "I dont want any tired old fruitcake at the wedding."
Megan: "He's got to come, he's your father!"



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PostPosted: Fri May 18, 2018 2:46 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
TEN views now, and still no replies. :roll:
Come on people, do I have to do it all by myself???
Apparently so. OK, here comes another rib-tickler.

A Geordie bloke took his new girlfriend home to meet his parents.
When he said, "This is Amanda," his father nearly fainted!

Too subtle for ya? OK then, try this.
A policeman pulled me over, he said, "This is a spot check."
I said, "I've got 2 blackheads on me nose and a boil on me bum."



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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2018 12:14 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
18 views now & still no reply; come on people, do I have to it all by myself? Anyway, this one's a cracker; not sure if I posted it on the old thread, but let's face it you lot wouldn't notice. So here goes.
In this hot weather, I popped into my local Fuller's pub. I said, "Can I have a pint of Pride?" The barman said, "Sorry, we've none left - how about a glass of self-esteem?" I'm here all week....on my own, by the looks of it.



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PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2018 12:20 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
43 views now, still no reply! Come on, don't let me do it all on my todd....
Anyway, one good thing about Steve Russell "accidentally" wiping the old thread is that I can recycle as many of the old jokes as as I can remember!
So here goes, it's the Tuesday Jokefest.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I got the chop,they gave it to some other feller. Then I was a painter, gave that up after a while, but it was emulsional. So I went for a job as a blacksmith; the bloke asked me if I could shoe a horse. I said No, but I can tell a donkey to clear off.
And what about my friend marge; she's been ill for so long now, she's
thinking of changing her name to "I cant believe I'm not better."
Esther.......



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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2018 12:56 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Feb 10, 2007 9:32 amPosts: 4695Location: top of the list according to pisspot
Can someone please delete this



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PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2018 1:59 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
They tried that once, Chris, but this is The Thread That Will Not Die. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11

And here is today's ribbed tickler:
Little Johnny is at school & his teacher asks him to say a sentence with the word "contagious" in it. He thinks, this is easy....I heard my dad say it last weekend;the neighbour was painting his fence with a 2inch brush and he said, it'll take that contagious to paint it. Walshy.....



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PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2018 11:05 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I saw a shrink yesterday, he cured me of my lunar obsession.
As you can imagine, I'm over the moon.
:D



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PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2018 10:54 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
As the late Cyril Fletcher used to say on That's Life, I am indebted to Christopher Hewitt, who PM'd me to say, "Steve, I'm a big fan of your joke thread, how about telling that one about the Indian restaurant? Oh and while you're at it, please give a plug for my new band, Cat's Eyes; we mainly play middle of the road."
Certainly, Christof, always happy to oblige a fan. I think the joke you mean goes like this:
I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After the meal, the waiter came up to the table & asked, "Curry OK?" I said, "Better not pal, I've got a bit of a sore throat, I'm not really up to singing."
Dubliner......



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PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2018 11:24 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Here's a bonus joke, just got it off Facebook- er sorry, made it up myself.
Fulham have been told no flares at the Play-Off Final tomorrow, as the last time they were seen at Wembley was 1975.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_03

(even Chris P will laugh at that one.....unless I tell him that PPP put it up)



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PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2018 9:43 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 325
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_24

I used to play triangle in a reggae band but left after musical differences – it was just one ting after another :wink:


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PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2018 1:43 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well done Walshy, that's broken the duck, hopefully that'll flush liam, Dubliner, John22 & co. out of the woodwork.....
Speaking of reggae, that reminds me of the time someone asked Prince Charles how to navigate past Cornwall; he said, "Well, you pass the Duchy on the left-hand side..."
:shock:



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PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2018 2:13 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 302Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
i have started training for the next Sex Olympics. My target is to win the Silver Medal ----- for coming second.


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PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2018 2:20 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
First Walshy, now Liam...the floodgates are well & truly open.
That joke reminds me: I recently competed in the National Erection Championship. I made it to the semi's. :mrgreen:
Dubliner.......



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PostPosted: Thu May 31, 2018 2:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3592Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
IndyRs' solicitors have asked me to make the following statement, in view of the new General Data Protection Regulations:
"Under GDPR you are now able to opt out of receiving new jokes on this thread. However, I'm afraid you will still continue to receive them anyway."
Eye thenk-yew.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2018 12:49 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 503
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ... cola."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."


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