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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2021 12:39 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 553
On a country road a policemen pulled Steveqpr881 over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which Steve replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2021 2:46 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 548Location: It's in the Name
I accidentally swallowed a bag of letters,
my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I'm in a really bad place right now.
Not mentally, I've just found myself walking by Stamford Bridge.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
- Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.
- Jane ate her friend’s colon.



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2021 11:24 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3525Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
JOHN22 told me his car wouldn't start this morning.
So he opened the bonnet, and there was a bat sat on the engine!
The bat winked at him & said, "You're looking grand today, JOHN."
So he knew what the problem was - bat flattery.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_09



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 15, 2021 11:20 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3525Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
When I was a kid, I always used to get bathed in weak Aussie lager.
It took me years to figure out I'd been Fostered.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_24



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 15, 2021 11:43 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3525Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
steveqpr881 wrote:

I used to run a sweet shop & one day, Bruce Forsyth came in.
I asked him what he'd like and he said (all together now)
"Give us a Twirl."
:lol: :lol: :lol:


JOHN, Dubliner - I'm surprised neither of you have picked up the baton & made something of this. After all, there's plenty more comic potential to be had out of old Bruce Forsyth quiz shows, if you......Play Your Cards Right.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_06



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PostPosted: Wed Feb 17, 2021 2:11 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 553
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?"


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 18, 2021 11:50 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3525Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
JOHN22 tells me that Dubliner's put an engine from a washing machine into his car. He's going to take it for a spin today. :roll:
Anyway, what was wrapped in silver foil & climbed up the side of a Paris cathedral? The Lunchpack of Notre Dame. Eye thenk-yew.
:P



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2021 2:21 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 548Location: It's in the Name
The optometrist said to his patient, "Your results are in."
The patient asked, "Can I see them?"
"Probably not."

...and in breaking news: There’s a necrophiliac on the loose.
Look alive people!

....and finally, vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 19, 2021 11:55 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 548Location: It's in the Name
OK it’s Friday and I’ve been quiet for a while so here we go ....
My wife is an artist and when she’s sad I let her draw things on my body.

I give her a shoulder to crayon.


The police are after me for stealing a futon....

I’m currently lying low.


I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...

Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day


A man has been shot with a starting pistol.

Police are pretty sure it's race related.

..and finally:
I've just released my own fragrance

No one else in the car liked it though.


OK I’ll go back to being quiet.....



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2021 11:30 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3525Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Some crackers there, Dubliner; I Must write them down & use them in a few weeks, once you've forgotten them. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_18
Anyway, JOHN22 swapped his bed for a trampoline.
When the missus found out, she literally hit the ceiling.



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2021 12:20 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 553
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be on the bus right now... so shut up."


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2021 11:33 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3525Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
That so-called "Liverpool-Derby game" on Saturday, what a rip-off.....
the Rams weren't in it at all, it was da Pewl & Everton. :roll:
So I settled down with a good book instead, the follow-up to Treasure Island.
Long John Silver's parrot had become very obese. So much so that, when it had a heart attack & died, it was a weight off Long John's shoulder.
:lol:



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PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2021 1:12 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 553
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told
that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2021 11:29 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3525Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Someone's been adding extra soil to my allotment....the plot thickens.

I thought a dog would lift my spirits during lockdown, so I bought one off a magician. It's a crossbreed - a labracadabra.



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PostPosted: Wed Feb 24, 2021 12:41 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3525Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
JOHN22's in the doghouse with the missus....he decided to get romantic this Valentine's Day & booked a table for 2. How was he to know she doesn't like snooker? :oops:

Want to stop being gullible?
I'll tell you how, just send me £2,000 cash NOW!!! Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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