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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 02, 2020 9:06 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 519
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."
"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."
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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison!


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2020 9:33 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3374Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Got home last night, only to find I'd been burgled!
And the bustards took the lot - even my limbo-dancing pole.
How low can you go??!!
:twisted:



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2020 10:02 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3374Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Don't some people have funny names these days? Fulham Ladies have got a player called Chelcee; I can't imagine the fans chanting her name very much! And Ed Sheeran has called his baby daughter Antartica. I suppose he thought it was cool. :roll:

Anyway, I went to a comedy club and a lizard came on stage.
It was a stand-up chameleon!



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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2020 10:09 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3374Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A new French restaurant opened in town, so I thought I'd give it a go.
I ordered the Chicken Napoleon - not a dish I'm familiar with.
Well, when it arrived, it was all bones, hardly any meat.
So I had a word with the waiter, and he said "That's why it's called Chicken Napoleon, we only use the bony part."
:roll:



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PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2020 11:17 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 519
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 15, 2020 12:28 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3374Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I bought the David Attenborough Joke Book the other day, here are some crackers from it:
I thought swimming with dolphins was expensive, til I went swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg.
I'm a bit nervous at the moment, I'm being followed by a large wading bird. I think I'm being storked.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In an archive (ark hive, geddit?)

Anyway, the new lockdown rules came into force in England yesterday - people can only meet in groups of 6. One of them isn't Happy.
:roll:



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2020 11:17 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3374Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Today's Burning Question:
Will glass coffins catch on?
Remains to be seen.
:?



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2020 1:17 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3374Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I saw my GP - I said I was worried because I kept singing Black Sabbath Songs. He said I shouldn't get Paranoid. :?

There's a new quiz show, instead of big prizes, the winner gets set in business as a hat-maker. It's called Who Wants To Be A Milliner.

Here is a travel news-flash: the M1 is blocked, by a shed lorry load of ladders. The police are taking steps to clear it.



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