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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2020 2:43 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I am in hospital at the moment with food poisoning. I ate a daffodil bulb instead of an onion. Doctors tell me not to worry and I will be out in the Spring.


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PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2020 2:55 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
The police rang me today to tell me they had recovered my stolen sofa. That was nice of them. It was beginning to look scruffy.


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PostPosted: Sat May 16, 2020 10:05 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 533Location: It's in the Name
One frosty morning last winter John22 texted me "Windows frozen!"
I texted him back: "what’s the big deal just our some warm water over it."
A few minutes later he texted me again: "Computer really shagged now“


A brave shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber yesterday with her labelling gun.
Police say the man they’re looking for has a price on his head.


A wooly jumper I bought online was picking up static electricity, so I sent it back. They sent me another one, free of charge.



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PostPosted: Wed May 20, 2020 12:23 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 512
Two Irish couples decided to swop partners for the night.
After 3 hrs of amazing sex,
Paddy said, “I wonder how the girls are getting on?”

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."


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PostPosted: Sun May 24, 2020 11:07 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Paddy wanted to sell his car and his mate told him to wind back the clock and he would get a beeter price for it.
His mate saw him a few days later and asked him how he got on. Paddy said when he finished winding the clock back it only had 7,000 miles on it so he decided to keep it!


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PostPosted: Sun May 24, 2020 11:10 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
The police stopped Paddy last night and asked him where he was between 6 and 11. Paddy replied "Primary School"


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PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2020 3:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A man has trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
It didn't take him long - he went from Barking to Tooting in less than an hour.



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PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2020 1:34 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 311Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress

A man's heart beats quicker

His throat gets dry

He gets weak in the knees

And he begins to think irrationally

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag!


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PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2020 12:37 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Since he was put on furlough, JOHN22 decided to keep fit by walking 5 miles a day. He started 7 weeks ago, and now he has no idea where he is.
Dubliner, on the other hand, started to insulate the roof of his house but he's lost enthusiasm lately; he's lagging a bit.
Liam's Norwegian cruise was cancelled & it was a blessing in disguise; he couldn't really fjord it.



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PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2020 2:05 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 512
Forty gypsies arrived at Heavens gates.
St Peter said we’ve only got room for twelve, so decide amongst yourselves who’s coming in
5 minutes later St. Peter said to God…there gone!
God said, “all forty of them?”

St Peter said, “No, the fu**ing gates!!
---------------------------------------------------------

Dubliner, came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing!


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 01, 2020 12:19 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3352Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm afraid this weekend's Tony Blackburn show was a bit thin on jokes, so I've had to fall back on my reserve. And here it is.
I saw a bloke in Tesco buying up all the crabs, whelks, cockles, lobsters etc.
I thought - that's a bit shellfish.



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