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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 21, 2020 5:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3368Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Sorry I haven't been on for a while, but on Tuesday, I was shot 200 times, with an upholstery gun. But I'm now fully recovered.

A man was being examined by his GP & the doc saw he was covered in bruises. He asked what happened, and the patient said he likes to lie alongside the road and let people ride their bikes over him. The doctor said he's showing signs of becoming a cycle path.

Well, that's it for now but I'll be back tomorrow with the pick of the Tony Blackburn Show's jokes.....bet you can hardly wait
:wink:



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2020 2:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3368Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Thought For The Day:
If smoking's bad for you, why does it cure kippers?

What about this Corona Virus, eh?
Hand sanitiser manufacturers must be rubbing their hands!

It doesn't get much more topical than that....now I'm off to self-isolate for 14 days.



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 13, 2020 3:16 pm Reply with quote
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John Travolta was rushed to hospital to be tested for the Corona virus;
he had chills, they were multiplying, he was losing control.
Luckily, it just turned out to be Saturday Night Fever, now he's
Stayin' Alive.



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2020 12:52 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3368Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Still on the medical jokes......
I visited a friend in hospital, he'd had an ear transplant!
But they ran out of human ears, so they gave him a pig's ear!!
I asked him how it went, and he said his hearing was OK......
he just had a bit of crackling.
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2020 3:58 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3368Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
We interrupt this jollity for an important message from the Ministry of Mirth:
"With the Corona Virus Pandemic, we have had to introduce rationing of jokes, as panic telling has brought stocks to dangerously low levels. To ensure that enough frivolity remains, only one joke will be told per day. And the Over-70s* are warned to self-isolate. Thank you."

* No names, no pack drill; you know who you are, Kerrins & ESSEX.



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2020 4:00 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3368Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
What about all this panic buying, eh?
I've just been in my local Soul Music record shop; they were OK for Bill Withers & Aretha Franklin, but they're running low on Lou Rawls.
:oops:



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PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2020 3:20 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3368Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Still on the panic buying - it's all down to the Miley Cyrus
(that is your actual rhyming slang) - does anyone want to buy 100 Scotch eggs & 150 mini sausage rolls? I mis-heard, and thought it was picnic-buying going on.
:oops:



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 20, 2020 12:38 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 506
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Dubliner has designed an invisible aeroplane but I can't see it taking off.

He told me the other day, that he’d really like a job cleaning mirrors. He said it’s just something he could really see himself doing.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2020 11:36 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3368Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'll type this real slow, because I know you lot can't read fast.

The Corona Virus Helpline had a call from a locksmith; he wanted to know if he was a key worker.

Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jnr - they all died of the Crooner Virus.

I'm having a self-isolation party; nobody's invited.



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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 5:13 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3368Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
As Cyril Fletcher used to say on "That's Life," I am indebted to Danny Wells for this ribbed tickler, which he put up on Facebook today:
every time I try to shake somebody's hand, they keep giving me the elbow.
Esther......



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2020 4:06 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 506
China has released the names of the first three that caught the Corona virus:

Sum Ting Wong...........Ho Lee Fuk...........Yu Dai Soon


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2020 11:46 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 539Location: It's in the Name
Single woman with hand sanitizer would like to meet a single man with toilet rolls for good clean fun.

They said gloves and a mask would be sufficient to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on..

Hope everyone is keeping well - please stay safe URsssss!



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2020 12:01 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 539Location: It's in the Name
I shouted through the letter box, "Thanks for the groceries, just leave em on the doormat."
Wife.. "Just let me in the house Alan."

John22 was telling me that he was getting so bored during the virus lockdown that he decided to hold a wet t-shirt contest.
He said after looking at them hanging on the line, he decided he liked his red one the best.

Hope everyone is still keeping well - please stay safe IndyRs!



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PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2020 12:34 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3368Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
These Covid 19 jokes are all the rage......they've gone viral. :oops:

Tesco - good, busy later. Sainsbury - moderate to good, rough in the toilet roll aisle. Asda - slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening. Marks & Spencer - fair. Lidl - spillage in aisle 7. Co-Op - fair to moderate.
And that is the Shopping Forecast.



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PostPosted: Thu Apr 02, 2020 11:30 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3368Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I used to have a fear of speed bumps....but I'm slowly getting over it.

And BBC newsreader George Alagiah has tested positive for Coronavirus.
He's also had bowel cancer twice. Blimey, if anyone's entitled to stockpile loo rolls, it's George.



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