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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2019 7:15 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3482Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Couple of days' worth of doors to open......
stand by for a festival of fun.........

Boeing have announced they plan to introduce an invisible airliner.
I can't see it taking off.

My granddad always used to say - one door opens, and another door closes.
Nice guy, terrible cabinet maker.

The wife's complained about all the CCTV cameras I've installed in the house
I can see where she's coming from.


And the posh bird from the Ferrerro Rocher ad says-
"M'sieu, wiz all zese top jokes, you are really spoiling us."



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PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:09 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Just opened up a Christmas card delivered today and some rice fell out. i think it was from Uncle Ben.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2019 4:01 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3482Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I got home last night & all the windows were open, and all my stuff was gone. Some bastard had been at my advent calendar. :|



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PostPosted: Sat Dec 14, 2019 1:47 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3482Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Time once more to open the daily door on.........
The Advent Calendar of Doom (cue creaky door opening)

I told a sexist joke on Facebook, and now the radical feminists know where I live......luckily, none of them can read a map.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11



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PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2019 1:24 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3482Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Well, that's the last of my Xmas presents sorted.
I just ordered a bugle for me nephew.
He should get it in the last post.



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PostPosted: Thu Dec 19, 2019 2:51 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Remember:
Regular sex helps your memory.
Have a great Christmas and New Year 2016.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 19, 2019 10:39 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 323
The snobby local Yacht club has invited me to their 100th year celebration party.I`m not a member I think they just wanted me to help them Push the boat out :roll:


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 19, 2019 1:59 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3482Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
It was the office Xmas party last night, and here are the pick of the Xmas cracker jokes:

Why does Santa go down the chimney?
Because it soots him.

Who hides in the bakery at Xmas?
Mince spies.

Eye thenk-yew!



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PostPosted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 1:46 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3482Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Feck me, time to brush the cobwebs off this thread!

These Australian bush fires remind me of the time I was in Sydney, and there was a native Australian playing 'Dancing Queen' on a didgeridoo.
I thought - "He's Abbariginal."

My grief counsellor died recently......luckily, he was so good at his job I didn't give a monkey's.

Up for another? Or would that be a mirth overload??
Oh go on then......
I said to JOHN22, "Why do you call Dubliner 'Mother Theresa' - is it because he helps the poor? He replied, "No Steve; it's because he's old and wears blue & white."

And the posh bird in the Fererro Rocher ad said-
M'sieu, wiz all zese top jokes, you are really spoiling us.



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PostPosted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 9:14 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
Dubliner stepped out of the shower, He heard someone in the kitchen downstairs. He was sure his wife was out, so he grabbed his 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that he was in his birthday suit.
He came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find his wife loading the dishwasher.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.”
Scanning the contours of Dubliners doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”


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