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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2019 2:01 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 548Location: It's in the Name
..... Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is very disappointing.....



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PostPosted: Sun Oct 27, 2019 8:21 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else.One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:Always keep your condoms in the car!


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 01, 2019 1:15 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 548Location: It's in the Name
I met the inventor of the trampoline the other day.
Seems like a nice guy, but a bit jumpy.

Tomorrow's Self-Harm Support Group meeting has been cancelled.
Due to Staff cuts.



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PostPosted: Sun Nov 10, 2019 11:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 548Location: It's in the Name
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I've heard nothing since.

To the Person who stole my glasses.
I will find you. I have contacts...



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PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2019 2:02 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Mick says to Paddy "Can you spell Orange?
Paddy says "The fruit or the colour?"


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2019 2:04 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Paddy says to Taffy "How did the faith healing event go last night?"
"Terrible" he said "Even a fella in a wheelchair walked out!"


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2019 3:03 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3482Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I started a new job today, as a roofer.
I almost got the sack, when the boss caught me masturbating.
But he said I could wipe the slate clean.



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 16, 2019 1:10 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3482Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Right, mirth fans, this is a brand new joke, straight off this morning's Tony Blackburn show; they don't come much fresher than that!

My dear old granddad passed away last night.
His last words were "Pint, litre & gallon."
Which spoke volumes to me.



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PostPosted: Sun Nov 17, 2019 10:09 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I bought a dog from the local blacksmith. As soon as I got the dog home he made a bolt for the door.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 17, 2019 10:12 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 316Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I am fortunate. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 17, 2019 11:25 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 548Location: It's in the Name
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea



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PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 12:23 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
As Farmer Brown approached his neighbour’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown shouted.
Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”

.......................................................................................................................


A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 12:56 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 507
Dubliner’s wife noticed him standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 2:20 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 548Location: It's in the Name
One of the guys in work pulled out a photo of his girlfriend and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”



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PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2019 1:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3482Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Christmas is a-coming, so it's time once more to open.......
(ominous music)
THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.

This is fresh off of this morning's Tony Blackburn show -
jokes don't come more up to date than that.

I just bought a new Motown wardrobe.
It's not very big...just enough room for Four Tops.
And the follow-up:
I've got a Motown fridge.
It's full of Temptations.



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