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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2019 11:25 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 547Location: It's in the Name
I hear Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East.

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 13, 2019 4:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 547Location: It's in the Name
I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon.

I suppose that’s what happens when you cut corners.



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PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2019 3:39 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My son told me he did not understand cloning.

I said "That makes two of us"


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 25, 2019 5:51 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My grandad once told me "When one door closes another one opens". Lovely man but a terrible cabinet maker!


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 31, 2019 8:55 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 547Location: It's in the Name
I couldn't figure out why the ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



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PostPosted: Wed Sep 04, 2019 1:35 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 322
I met a mate who informed me he`s had the Shits for the last 6 weeks :shock: ....."but not to worry" he said they go back to school this week :wink:


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 06, 2019 12:46 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 547Location: It's in the Name
Hypochondriacs anonymous
Step#1 admitting you don't have a problem



I actually forgot to go to my Hypochondriacs Anonymous meeting today

I bet it's early on-set Alzheimers



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PostPosted: Fri Sep 06, 2019 4:50 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Australian poetry competition.

The 2 finalists needed a tie breaker to decide the winner. They had 20 seconds to write a poem including the name of a town in the Sahara desert known as Timbuktu. One finalist was from Sydney university and the other from the outback.

The university graduate had first go.

Travelling across the desert sand
was a slowly moving caravan
Made up of camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

Much clapping and cheering from the audience

The guy from the outback's turn

Tim and I, on holiday went.
Found three Sheilas in a pop up tent
They were 3 and we were 2
so I bucked one and Tim bucked two.

This brought the house down!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 11, 2019 2:54 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 322
A sex therapist told me that the most erotic thing a girl can do to a man to get him going is to kiss his ears ,I said I think you`ll find thats Boll*cks Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_02


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 1:54 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
A guy gets lost flying a hot air baloon. He sees a farmer working in a field. He shouts down

"Do you know where I am?".

The farmer shouts back. "You can't fool me. You're in the basket!"


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 27, 2019 10:19 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 547Location: It's in the Name
A few years ago, my wife gave me an ultimatum that if she saw me drink another pint of beer, our marriage would be over.

It's fair to say that since then, it's been a tale of two halves.



...and to the person who stole my antidepressants I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!



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PostPosted: Sat Sep 28, 2019 1:43 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3526Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Dubliner wrote:
...and to the person who stole my antidepressants I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!


Reminds me of the time (stop me if you've heard this one before - you probably have) a man in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket.
I said, "You can hide, but you can't run."



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2019 12:59 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 547Location: It's in the Name
.... and to the Scumbag that stole 300 cans of RedBull from my shop,

I don't know how you can sleep at night!



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2019 7:39 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 508
When I was over for the match this weekend, I decided to get my fortune told.
So I went to see Esmeralda, the local palm reader, in Shepherds Bush Market.
She grabbed my hand and said, "Your future looks very, very black."

I said, "Hold on a minute love, I haven't taken my gloves off yet."


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2019 8:02 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 508
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know That *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm Finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The fecking funeral director," said his wife.


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