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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:10 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I got a surprise whem my wife opened the car door for me today. I would have preferred it if we were not travelling at 70 mph at the time!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:15 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I have had amnesia for as long as I can remember.


I saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day. He was wearing a cat flap.

A man walks in to a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He said to the barman " Pint please and one for the road!"


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 2:13 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 539Location: It's in the Name
I went to A & E yesterday and said to the nurse "I've been stung by a wasp. Have you got anything for it?"

She said "whereabouts is it?"

I said "I don't know. It'll be miles away by now"



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You can't keep blaming yourself, just blame yourself once, and move on..... (Homer)
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 2:14 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 539Location: It's in the Name
As the medic administered the anti-venom, she asked me, "Can you describe the snake that bit you ?"

"Yes, it was like an angry rope."



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You can't keep blaming yourself, just blame yourself once, and move on..... (Homer)
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 9:32 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I am no pancake expert but I know a tosser when I see one!


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 9:35 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I said to my mate "I'm thinking about getting a divorce because my wife has not spoken to me for over 2 months."

He said "Don't be too hasty because women like that are hard to find"


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:23 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 539Location: It's in the Name
What’s your name?" asked the policeman when he stopped John22.

"John” he said.

"And your last name?" The Policeman asked.

"It's always been John......."



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You can't keep blaming yourself, just blame yourself once, and move on..... (Homer)
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:25 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 539Location: It's in the Name
What do you call an Italian beggar?

Giovanni Change.



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You can't keep blaming yourself, just blame yourself once, and move on..... (Homer)
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 10, 2019 1:51 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 539Location: It's in the Name
I have a trampoline phobia...
I can't help it, they just always make me jumpy!

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.



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You can't keep blaming yourself, just blame yourself once, and move on..... (Homer)
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2019 12:07 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 504
A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2019 11:25 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 539Location: It's in the Name
I hear Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East.

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds



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You can't keep blaming yourself, just blame yourself once, and move on..... (Homer)
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 13, 2019 4:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 539Location: It's in the Name
I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon.

I suppose that’s what happens when you cut corners.



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You can't keep blaming yourself, just blame yourself once, and move on..... (Homer)
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 14, 2019 3:39 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My son told me he did not understand cloning.

I said "That makes two of us"


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 25, 2019 5:51 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My grandad once told me "When one door closes another one opens". Lovely man but a terrible cabinet maker!


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