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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:09 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I was in HMV just now.
I asked the assistant where I could find a DVD of The Terminator.
He said, "Aisle B - back."



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2019 12:38 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've not been well lately. I saw my GP, he advised me to lay off milk, cream & cheese. No whey - how dairy?
Then I had a look at the Conjunctivitus web page; what a site for sore eyes.

And today's Top Tip:
Motorists, save ££££s on personalised numberplates; just change your name by deed poll to match your car's reg. Thanks for that, to GCB124R.



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 1:59 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
My friend Sid had his id stolen.
Now, he's just called S. :roll:

Anybody want to hear any bum jokes? I've got piles. :oops:

And finally, Ronnie; spare a thought for poor Thomas Edison.
He invented the gramophone in 1877, but died in 1932 without ever having a hit record.



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:55 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I made a mistake buying a chairlift. It's driving me up the wall.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2019 3:04 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I always wanted to be a procrastinator but I never got around to it.


Just had two Police Officers at my door!
They said; “Are you familiar with the letters HB?”
I replied, “No, I’m not.”
“How about LS?”
“No.”
“What about JD?”
I asked, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?”
The police officers said, “No, these are just initial enquiries.”


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 11:24 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A man went to the doctor, he said, "Doctor, listen to my knee, it's making a funny noise." So the quack got his stethoscope out & had a listen; he said, "That's amazing, your knee is saying 'lend us a tenner.'" Then he put the stethoscope on the man's thigh, and heard 'Lend us twenty quid,doc.' Then he listened to the man's thigh, and it was saying 'Lend us a fiver.'
"Well," said the doctor, my diagnosis is your leg's broke in 3 places.




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PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2019 11:25 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3529Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
By the way, it's my birthday on Monday.
No need for cards or presents, no need to buy me a drink......
just put some jokes up.
:P



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:17 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 504
Doctor said to his patient, "I have good news and bad news!"

"What's the bad news doc?"

"Well, the gangrene has gone too far and we had to chop off both your legs!"

"And what's the good news?"

"The fella in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!"


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:23 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 504
Doctor: "There was an explosion at the factory, and your husband is in wards 2, 3 and 4.

Wife: "I just want to talk to him!"

Doctor: "Well that's just it, he's deaf as well!"


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2019 12:57 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 543Location: It's in the Name
The man that invented human cloning has died
The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.



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PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2019 9:47 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
A truck loaded with Vicks vapour rub overturned on the M25. There was no congestion for 8 hours.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2019 9:49 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 312Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
My cross eyed wife and I have just got a divorce. We never saw eye to eye and then I realised she was seeing someone on the side!


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2019 11:22 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 543Location: It's in the Name
My mate said he didn't understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us...


... and a bonus to mark my resurfacing after retirement (at last!!)

The Chip shop I go to still wraps-up meals in newspaper.
Yesterday i got a Plaice in The Sun.



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PostPosted: Sat Jun 29, 2019 1:42 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 504
What’s red and moves up and down?

A tomato in an elevator!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2019 12:57 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 504
I just got the news, Dubliner was on the beach in Dollymount Strand yesterday and found a magic lamp.

He rubbed it and asked the genie to make him supremely and irresistibility attractive to all women!

The genie turned him into a credit card!!


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