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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 29, 2019 2:15 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3565Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've decided to sell my John Lennon record collection on Amazon.
Imagine all the Pay Pal......
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_15



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PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2019 12:58 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Went to an auction yesterday.
I was very drunk.
Don't remember a lot.


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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 1:18 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3565Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
You're now the proud owner of a Picasso.
That'll be £25,000,000.
Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_03



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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 2:40 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3565Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Just heard, my grief councillor's died.
Luckily, he was great at his job, so I don't give a shit.

I've just got back from a barging holiday.
I haven't got a boat, I just bumped into people.

I'm into baking. This morning, I made a Belgian waffle.
Now, I'm going to make a Frenchman talk bollocks.

I accidentally kicked my dog, and he bit me.
My mate said, "It's karma."
"No," I said - "If anything, it's even angrier."



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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 4:18 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
At the hardware shop I asked "Is this fly spray good for wasps"?
He said "no it kills them".


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PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2019 4:20 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I'm selling my pet python on Gumtree,
Some guy asked "how big is it?"...
I replied it was huge, he said "how many feet?"
I told him "None it's a fekin' snake!"


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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2019 2:44 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3565Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm selling my boomerang on Gumtree.
Yet again - can't get rid of it.

Reminds me of the time I sold my homing pigeon.
Twenty times.



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PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2019 10:30 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3565Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
43,093 views - we're catching up on Kerrins' "Closure of Madrangersfans" for this MB's most-viewed thread!
Here are today's ribbed ticklers, fresh off of this morning's Tony Blackburn Show (it's not plagiarism if I acknowledge my source!)
I used to have a paper shop; but business was bad, so it folded.
Then I opened a clock shop, but business was bad so I wound it up.
Boom boom!
Liam..........



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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 11:05 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3565Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Last night, I came out of the chippy with a pie, saveloy, large chips & mushy peas. As I started to tuck in, I walked past a bloke begging on the pavement. He said, "Got any spare change guv, I haven't eaten for 3 days."
I said, "I admire your willpower, mate."



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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 3:38 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3565Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
With Mark Warburton today's favourite to be our next manager (my 'sauce' is hot, as QBlockPete used to say), and Warburton's being a well-known brand of bread, I thought we should work through all the puns now - just in case he doesn't get the job. So here we go......
He's the best thing since sliced bread.
Liam........



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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 10:57 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Given our financial situation he will not get much dough.


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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 10:58 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
And he'll have to work hard to earn a crust


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2019 1:25 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3565Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A man decides to get a pet, so he goes to a pet shop.
He tells the manager, "I want something special - not your boring pets, like a cat or a dog."
So the manager says, "Well how about this centipede then? Not your run of the mill pet, and he talks - a snip at £200."
The bloke says, "Well that's a bit steep....I warn you, if he doesn't talk, I'll want me money back."
So anyway, he buys the centipede & takes him home. That evening, he fancies a drink so he says, "Fancy going down the pub, Mr. Centipede?"
No reply; well the bloke thinks he must be tired after that trip from the pet shop. Ten minutes later he asks again - "Fancy going down the pub, Mr. Centipede?" Again, no reply.
Another ten minutes later, he's fed up. He says, "Last time of asking - do you fancy coming down the pub or not??"
And the centipede says, "Alright pal, I heard you the first time - I'm just putting my shoes on."



And I'll tell you something else: if Warburton doesn't get results, he'll be toast.



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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2019 9:53 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 304Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Great managers are not born - they are bread!


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PostPosted: Mon May 13, 2019 2:35 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3565Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Which ship doesn't call at Liverpool?
The Premiership!

I went for a walk in the country with a pal. He noticed some animals and said, "Look at that flock of cows." To correct him I said, "Herd of cows."
He replied, "Of course I've heard of cows - look, there's a flock of them./"

Les said he had big plans for the club; Warburton said "I'll have a slice of that."



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