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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2019 11:50 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've just walked out of my job in the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2019 11:58 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I just saw my new shrink for the first time.
He consulted my file & said, "Are you the patient who's obsessed with Neil Diamond song lyrics?"
"I am," I said.



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2019 3:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
No-one else has posted for the last week??
Time to blow the cobwebs off.
An ice-cream van crashed in my street; the whole area was coned-off.
I asked my German pal if he knew the square root of 81;he said no.
The wife tried to stop me from impersonating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.



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PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2019 1:15 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 335
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time. Blue_Light_Colorz_PDT_11
I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.
:wink:


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2019 3:03 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've started to learn to bake confectionary.
This morning, I made a Belgian waffle; now, I'm going to make a Frenchman talk drivel.



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2019 11:30 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
They say walking's a great way to exercise.
When my granddad turned 65, he started walking 5 miles every day.
He's 89 now, and we have no idea where he is.



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PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2019 5:14 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 295Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I said to the waitress " Can I ask you some questions about the menu please?"

She said " The men I please is none of your business!"


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2019 3:18 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Just saw a Muslim woman wearing a sheepskin burka.
Talk about mutton dressed Islam.



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PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2019 4:21 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 168Location: Belfast
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and orders a drink.
"It's a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff" says the Barman.
"Just call me Hoff" he replies.
"Sure" says the barman.

"No hassle"



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PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2019 3:35 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
What a day I've had today!
First, I went to see the doctor, for piles. He said, "Don't worry, we'll soon get to the bottom of it." Then I was in B & Q and got thrown out & barred! Well, some twat in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking.....luckily I got the first punch in.



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2019 2:33 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Today, of course, is International Women's Day & it's certainly helped to make me aware of many issues of gender equality and everyday sexism. I'm sure I speak on behalf of many men, when I say that the birds who helped organise it all deserve a pat on the bottom for their efforts.



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PostPosted: Sat Mar 09, 2019 1:26 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I've just been sacked from the tyre factory.
I kept letting them down.




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PostPosted: Mon Mar 11, 2019 3:05 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
That Walshy....he's a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac. He's up all night, wondering if there's a dog.

Poor old Liam...he rang me up last night, he said "Steve, I've almost done this crossword but I cant spell the last answer- Armageddon." I said "Cheer up son - it's not the end of the world."

Anyway, we're in Lent right now, anybody giving anything up?
I was going to give up Viagra, but I doubt if I can keep it up.

Ever wondered why hurricanes are named after women?
When they've left, they've taken the house and car with them.



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PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2019 4:29 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Read an article in the paper about the UK's oldest woman.
106, she is - reckons she's lived that long by eating lots of herrings.
I thought - this could start off the old fish puns, always a popular theme on the jokes thread. So here goes......What's her name? Don't tell him, Pike.



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PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2019 2:01 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3637Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Nobody fancy the fish puns then?
Ok, still on the subject of food...... I went to a new Chinese restaurant last night. I ordered from the Specials menu but I ended up with too much Foo Yung.



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