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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2019 1:14 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Sign in a shop window:
Flat batteries' help yourself - no charge.

And I heard this on the Tony Blackburn Show this morning, so it's as fresh as a daisy:
Doctor, I'm shrinking, I keep getting smaller.
Doctor: Take a seat & be a little patient.



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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:09 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm reading this new book about vegetarian breakfasts.
By Eggbert Nobacon.

Walshy.......



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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:23 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Last night, the wife said she was leaving me, because she reckons I'm obsessed with astronomy. Honestly, what planet is she on?? :roll:



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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2019 2:29 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Anybody got the address of the Trampoline Society? Every time I send them an email, I just get a bounce back. Come on, don't make me do somersaults to get a response..... Anyway, how about some band name jokes?
Like this classic from the original thread: I'm in a band called Cat's Eyes. We mainly play middle of the road. Then there's the band called Upholstery - they mainly do covers.Or The Innocents - they never got a booking.



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2019 12:50 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Heard on the news this morning that today is Groundhog Day. If you thought it was all made up for that film - no; every year, on this day, people wait in some small U.S. town with an unpronounceable name for a rodent called Phil to pop it's head up. This, apparently, helps them decided if that year's summer is going to be good or bad. Although "Phil" only has a 39% success rate in his predictions - might as well get a job with the Met. Office.
Anyway, as today is Groundhog Day, I thought I'd take you back in time (as in the film) to the very first joke ever told on this thread.
My friend Marge is ill. In fact, she's been ill for so long, she's thinking of changing her name to "I cant believe I'm not better."

And now, a new joke:
I said to my friend, "I really like Beyonce." He said, "Whatever floats your boat." I said, "No, that's buoyancy." Just think - if she married Roy Castle's son, she'd be known as Beyoncé Castle!
:lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2019 1:26 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Still on the "famous people marrying" subject:
If Emmerdale's Zak Dingle married actress Halle Berry (unlikely, I agree),
would they be known as the Dingleberries??



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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2019 6:56 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A friend rang me up just now, he said he'd changed his name. I asked him to what, he said "Spinal Column." I said can I call you back?

I'm putting all my John Lennon records up for sale on ebay.
Imagine all the Pay Pal.



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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 3:48 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 297Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
A guy buys a talking centipede for £5,000 and takes it home in a box.

In a while he opens the box and asks the centipede if it would like to go for a pint. No answer.

He then shouts at the centipede "DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A PINT?"

The centipede eventually replied. "No need to shout I heard you the first time. I'm just putting my shoes on!"


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 3:55 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 297Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
When I was younger I attended medical school. In one exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important body part which is most useful when erect.

Those that answered SPINE are doctors today. The rest of us write on Indyrs!


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 3:58 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 297Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I said to my wife "When I die I am going to leave everything to you"

She replied "You already do, you lazy b*stard"


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:21 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 297Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
I rang the doctor and said, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labour, what should I do?”

He said, “Is this her first child?”

I said, “No, this is her husband.”


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2019 4:57 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I just found a packet of fish fingers in the street. At first I felt guilty, then I thought.....Findus keepers.
I went home & did some gardening; first I divided the grassy area into 4; I did it forlornly. Then I added some soil to my vegetable patch - the plot thickens.
Newsflash! A man has collapsed while riding on the London Eye. Paramedics say he's coming around......



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PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2019 12:41 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I went to my regular meeting of Plastic Surgery Anonymous yesterday.
There were a lot of new faces.
8)



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2019 5:28 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
You can't get any funnier than..............................
Man. City 6, Chelsea NIL !!!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2019 7:15 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A lorry carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the M25.
There are massive cues.
The driver needed a rest, but he hit a bridge.



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